alice in her dreamland

23 October

2011-10-23T03:14:00.000-07:00

This post is for my friend, one of my best ones, the coolest person I've ever known personally in my whole life. She whose unique insights on life changed those of my own, whose myriads of wonderful books expanded my reading list, whose exquisite taste in music enriched mine, whose talent and passion for art never failed to amaze me, whose beautiful poetries cheered me up and made me wonder, whose patience with my immature antics made me learn, whose sincere help brought me out of misery at times when I didn't know who else can I turn to, whose genuine friendship rekindled my hope. She whose 20th birthday is today.

Happy birthday dear Leana. Age is not just a number, it is also Experience, Maturity and Wisdom. May Allah bless you always, and in everything that you do. Sucks that I didn't get to give you a handwritten letter, but I got Julian to write something for you. Hope that will suffice :P See you this summer :D

revamp

2011-10-02T16:25:00.000-07:00

A two-month long hiatus broken with a post about the said hiatus. How meta.

Blog is revamped, because that's what I usually do every time I came back from a hiatus. Not content with needing to manage two separate blogs, I now have a tumblr. What better thing to do on a quiet Friday night than scrolling through 43 pages on my dashboard and reblogging the hell out of Cute Boys with Cats? (They have Dave Franco!!!)

It's spring now in Dunedin, which is the awesomest, because spring is my favourite season. That's not entirely true though, because I like winter even more - you get to wear your loveliest winter coats, and see gorgeous guys wearing blazers and vampiric long coats. Eh. Also, if you're lucky, you get to experience snow. Thank Allah, I am one of them lucky ones - it snowed twice here in Dunedin.

Snow fight!

Ah, I miss winter. I might be complaining about the temperature all the time, but at least I could experience things that I could only dream of. Now that the temperature's getting hotter, I have to ditch my coats and blazers aside. I often found myself going out feeling naked because I'm so used to having an extra layer of clothing over my usual jeans and t-shirt combo. But then, Allah gave me something even better - a chance to witness thousands of flowers blooming before my very eyes.

pics by Linda. I forgot to transfer mine.

The flowers are just beginning to bloom, so at this point there's not much of them save for some lovely rhododendrons, sakura (which are very short-lived and are getting lesser and lesser day by day), daffodils (a whole field of them!) and other random flowers we found at the Botanic Gardens. We're still waiting for tulips and roses - I think by the time we finish our final exams, they'll be blooming like crazy and Dunedin will be much more colourful. I can't wait.

Social relationship-wise, I made new friends, which is always a good thing. I'm still trying to polish my conversational English, although I do still stutter quite a lot. And I get to talk to poi girl! At last! Hahaha. I was doing five-beat weave aimlessly in front of Clocktower one sunny afternoon when she suddenly approached me and asked where did I get my poi. Got some cool new moves from her as well.

Talk about poi, meet my Cheshire Poi, Bella and Belly :D

So yeah, I guess that's it. It's 12.35 am now and I need to go to sleep. If I don't update for the next couple of months, you can always visit me on my tumblr. I've got lots of psychedelic pictures there, they're good for your eyes hahaha. Till next time.

Alice

New wishlist (in no particular order)

2011-08-04T03:37:00.000-07:00

Shpongle!!!
A pair of LED poi.
If that's too expensive, a pair of psychedelic striped poi
PiHKAL
LSD My Problem Child
Some Bodyline stuffs, especially this bag
Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming
A new mp3 player, preferably 4GB coz my 4-year-old one buat hal
Something decent from Dream of Lolita (I'm still drooling over Melty Chocolate btw)
A dreamcatcher
Psychedelic tapestries :D
Lovely cotton fabric, like these
Any kind of cotton as long as I can make a dress out of it
Yardley English Rose. It's been long since I use that
A loliable black blouse
A loliable anything. Preferably classic/aristocrat stuffs
A gorgeous coat. One that reminds me of Moi-meme-Moitie. Perhaps something like this or this
A mini sewing machine
Hippie chic jewelleries & clothing
Can I ask for Isaac here? XDDDDDD
More rings! Hahahahaha
A make up set
Melatonin + choline + B6 pills for my dreams
A new dream journal. Yang lama dah nak penuh
All A's for this sem. Get into Pharmacy School. Failing that, get into Pharmtox Department
More shoes
I need my 10 lucid dreams per month back
Supply of legal psychoactives. Pseudoephedrine. Salvia (lol jk!)
DJ set
Digital camera
As usual, Raphael.

I get what I want. Insya-Allah. (Including that Raphael part hahaha!)

Alice

Bersihkah?

2011-07-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

I personally think both sides overreacted. If it was meant to be a peaceful rally, treat it as so - there's no need for people to flood the streets making KL look like freakin Thailand. Siap baju kuning baju merah semua. For all I know a peaceful rally is not supposed to look like what I saw on my news feed last Saturday/Sunday. You don't bring weapons on a peaceful rally, that defeats the whole purpose. And triggers unnecessary action from the authorities.

And what's with the excessive number of police force employed as if there's a war going on, deploying water cannon and tear gas and all? You guys are not Israeli soldiers! This is not Palestine! For God's sake itu semua tak perlu, unless people began to act violently, bakar2 kereta pecah2 kedai semua like the riot in Vancouver.

And with that much people you would expect there would be sufficient medical help around in case of emergency. I don't know if it's otherwise (Bersih supporters chose not to portray the good side of the 'riot control'? Who knows?), but from what I've been observing through videos and news, that's not the case. Someone even died in the rally after receiving late medical treatment post-tear gas exposure. Please tell me if I'm wrong.

Why can't people pick a group of people large enough to get the message across, but small enough so as to avoid triggering panic-induced actions by the authorities? A few hundred is enough. Assign several police to monitor the rally, just in case. You don't have to gather police from all over Malaysia to control them, itu sangat menyusahkan semua orang termasuk polis sendiri. I didn't say that a rally/street protests/whatever you might call it is a bad way to make your voice heard - Mahatma Gandhi also employed this method, and it was successful - but if you are going to make one, at least make it properly. Properly, true to what people claim it to be - a peaceful rally.

Or was it just impossible to be done? Malaysians are too rebellious to do anything in control? Authorities are too paranoid to let people's voice be heard (especially one that involves things like 'SPR', 'pilihanraya', 'telus' and 'adil')? I know that similar rallies under the same name had been done in different countries last Saturday, but I am yet to hear reports of violence/ things getting out of control like what happened in Malaysia.

And should EVERY single movement in this country be affiliated with political parties and specific ethnicities? Maybe we are so ~~accustomed to~~ obsessed with fighting under the name of 'Melayu/Cina/India etc' and 'BN/PAS/DAP/Keadilan etc' that every other things we fight for must have connections with these. Bersih was supposed to be a neutral rally, away from the controls of specific political parties, be it Opposition or Government or whatever. What was supposed to be a movement for a clean election had morphed into a battle of the races, not to mention a battle between BN supporters and Pakatan Rakyat supporters. Just keep scrolling down. Malaysians, are we that narrow? Remember 13 May?

I may not be able to witness everything first hand, but I do know one thing - don't bother dreaming about Bersih 3.0 if you still don't know what's the real definition of a 'peaceful rally'. Don't bother having another Bersih rally until you have trained yourself to be more civilised. DON'T EVER attend a rally just for the sake of being rebellious. That's just stupid.

If everybody stop themselves from overreacting, Malaysia would be a much nicer place to live. This applies for both sides, the people and the government.

Alice

KEEP CALM AND...

2011-07-01T19:48:00.001-07:00

In Shpongleland, there is no invasion. Everyone is interconnected through an invisible thread of cosmic unity, there's no reason for an invasion to take place. Should there be any, though, we carry on and do what we do best - getting Shpongled. One of the ways to enhance your Shpongling experience is by smoking DMT, because it's Simon's favourite. HAHAHA.

Click here for history, and here for more ways to keep calm. Of course, getting Shpongled is still the best option.

Credits to Leana for the ideas behind the poster and the whole blog post itself (I'm making a parody of her post! XDDDD)

Alice

why do people fall in love

2011-06-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to ask this question for a very very long time, but I just didn't know to whom should I ask. Definitely not my mom, coz I don't share lovey dovey stuffs like this with my family members. Why do people fall in love? How can people love each other? What makes a person willing to devote their everything for a particular person? (Note: for convenience purposes, 'love' in this entry refers to romantic love, that feeling towards a person you barely know for how many years or even less than that, not maternal love whatsoever)

I always thought that guys don't have the emotional capability to love another person. After romantically involved with several guys throughout my life, I came to the conclusion that among these XY chromosome possessors, love simply exists in the form of lust. What other explanation do I have, after knowing several guys who demanded sex from me, and harassed by several others? Although I realize that my statement here is severely biased, I still can't see how that very idea of love can be applied to a guy. Even if lust does not take place here, how can a species associated with dominance, assertiveness, strength and ego could give in to something as gentle as love? When you say you love a particular girl, do you love her because she's beautiful, or because she stirs up something on your groin, or because she loves you first? Or for some other reasons I might fail to see? For guys in their teenage/ young adult years, what makes you willing to say "I love you" to a girl when you are still unsure of your own future? Do you say so because your peers challenged you to go and confess to her? Some sort of game among your guy friends, to see who can tackle the most number of girls? To avoid yourself from being left out because everybody has a girlfriend or two already?

To girls my age who are 'in love': was it really love? How can you be so sure? It could be merely loneliness, or jealousy. You may simply want someone to understand your thoughts and your emotions, or someone to be your conversation partner, perhaps. For all I know, you don't need a boyfriend in your life for that. Most of the time, XY Homo sapiens are terrible when it comes to understanding girls and stuffs. I effin know very well, I could relate to girls my age when it comes to this. Being girls, there would be moments when we simply feel like having someone to 'fill the emptiness in our heart', whatever that means. That's not freaking 'love'. That's something else.

It baffles me how people who are practically teenagers could utter those three sacred words to their 'significant others' so easily. When you say you 'love' someone, it means so much more than sending morning messages, going out for dates, having romantic conversations on MSN/Skype, exchanging gifts every once in a while, stuffs young couples always do. Loving someone means you would sacrifice yourself for that someone, even when you have to die in the process. How could you possibly do that to a person who's practically a stranger in your life? A person whom you have just known for several weeks/months/years? I won't do that, personally. That would be too bizarre.

One more thing. If mutual feelings are required in a relationship, how can two persons possibly fall in love with each other at the same time? I mean, how can A fall in love with B at exactly the same time when B falls in love with A? Wouldn't the probability be so small? From what I've been observing, a romantic relationship usually starts with someone 'falling helplessly in love' with a person, who later agrees to be his/her lover. If that's the case, don't you think it will practically be a one-sided love? When you say yes to a guy's proposal to make you his girlfriend, were you in love with him at the first place, or do you simply say yes because you don't want to break his heart? Because you were thrilled to finally have someone confessing his love to you (as in my case)? Because you were lonely and want to have someone to 'fill that emptiness in your heart'?

I have never been in love, so I may not be the right person to write something like this. No, having a crush on someone is not freakin love. That's infatuation, and infatuation won't last long. I haven't been to the point where I could sacrifice myself for a freakin XY Homo sapiens. But I'm curious, you know, to hear something from people who claim to be in love/have been in love. So please, answer me. I need to know.

Don't you effin misconstrue me or anything. I am not desperate/being extra androphobic/have given up hope on love. I just want to know.

Alice

it's holiday, holiday, gotta get down on holiday!

2011-06-17T02:07:00.001-07:00

TIME TO UNLEASH REBECCA!

too bad the video was removed, though.

I have 3 weeks of holiday. I swear I won't do anything academic during my holiday (besides my usual lucid dreaming/psychoactive drugs researches maybe). In the meantime, I have another list. I love making lists, it makes me feel more organised. #yeahright

Alice's List of Things to Do During a 3-Week Long Holiday (in no particular order)

Sew ~~one~~ two freakin lolita dresses!!! Buy sewing stuffs, Google up tutorials, draft patterns. Sew a petticoat.
Learn at least 10 new poi tricks from this guy by the end of the holiday. Buy/make one proper sock poi. (you wanna buy this for my un-birthday? It's a bargain!)
Get back into lucid dreaming. Haven't got one for 2 weeks already, and I can't even blame pseudoephedrine this time. Also, resume writing in dream journal. Poor guy got abandoned for almost 2 weeks, too bad.
Spend all day in secondhand bookstores. Scribes is a warm and cozy place to be at this winter.
Start writing The Maya Dream (my writing project, ideas courtesy of Leana. Planning to write a dream journal-like novella).
Finish up abandoned artwork and start on new ones.
it's psylocybe as in PSYlocybe. :P
Trip to Cadbury World. A must!
Trip to the beach, perhaps. Tunnel Beach maybe.
Trip to Oamaru. I don't wanna spend the whole holiday stuck in Dunedin.
Finish up reading The Psychedelic Experience, Art of Dreaming (and other Castaneda books I abandoned), DMT: The Spirit Molecule (still hasn't arrived).
Watch movies and TV series. Medical Investigations is awesome.
Lolita photoshoot at the Botanic Gardens. :D
Shopping spree! ~~Savemart shopping spree!~~
Bake something. Or, try new recipes. What? I do love cooking! More so when it comes to cooking stuffs I love to eat, like weird Indian curries and French stuffs. Potato gratin sounds simple; maybe I'll start with that.
Make a new song. I accidentally got a new song while frying my hash brown last night, but I didn't record it so I've lost it already. Grrr.
Post Leana's On The Road. Heeeeeee sorry for the delay XP

Let's just hope I won't end up abandoning this list and spend the whole 3 weeks glued to the computer, scrolling through Memebase instead.

Alice

feeling a bit nostalgic...

2011-06-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

...I decided to compile a list of songs which can make me feel nostalgic. I'm freaky like that, hahaha!

Taste Experience - Summersault: Reminds me of the time when me and my youngest bro could still get along and do things without feeling awkward. I taught him to play the song on my keyboard so that we could play duet.

Funny - Sing A Song (All Night Long): Despite the sheer ridiculousness of this song, I really love this! This is one of my first favourite dance music song. Back when I was 8 or 9, this song was played everywhere, especially at dollar stores (they tend to play lots of crappy Ah Beng nu-italo disco stuffs like that). I remember getting all excited when I heard this song played in a pirated CD shop, and proceeded to ask the salesgirl the title of the song. Of course she didn't know it lol. 11 years later, I rediscovered this song from Ishkur's Guide to Electronic Music. Took me 11 freaking years to search for a ridiculously addictive nu-Italo disco track!

Astral Projection - Mahadeva: My very first Goa trance exposure. Found this on Astral Projection's official website in 2003. Before the advent of Celcom Broadband and affordable mp3 players, I had fun blasting this song on my neighbourhood cyber cafe's faulty speakers, much to the dismay of rempit guys sitting beside me.

Push - Strange World: This was on my first ever dance music cassette, bought in 2002 from my kampung's pasar malam (of course it's pirated, duh). Cassettes are effin annoying - this is my favourite song from the compilation, but replaying it was a pain in the ass (mechanical forward/rewind and stuff, have to be very precise kalau tak nanti terlajak). Thank God for mp3s!

Ian van Dahl - Castles in the Sky: Discovered this from The Official UK Top 40. They used to have this on hitz.fm every Saturday, and I would spend my Saturday evening glued to the radio, religiously jotting down every single dance music songs appearing on the chart (songs from the likes of Flip N Fill, N-Trance, Kelly Llorenna, Scooter, occasional Prodigy). This song reminds me of the times when I had to stay at dad's mother's house, zaman-zaman merempat dulu. Still a cool song though.

4 Strings - Take Me Away: Back then when I had to stay at my maternal grandmother's house, I worked as waitress at grandma's food stall in Gunung Ledang. Johor FM was the official radio station at the food stall, playing the latest Malay hits and lengthy news segments. Odd enough, in between songs and DJs babbling about random stuffs, they played an instrumental version of this song.

Daft Punk - One More Time: I think this came out when I was 9 or 10, no? I was particularly excited about it receiving airplay on commercial radio stations like hitz.fm (it was even on their daily chart! How cool is that?) Back then I was obsessed with songs with vocodered vox, so naturally Daft Punk became my instant obsession.

Cosmos - Take Me With You: From good ol' Essential Selection circa 2001, used to be on Red FM every Friday at 10 pm. Again, kept me glued to the radio until midnight. Friday night was my dance music marathon night, with Wicked playing house and trance from 8 pm, followed by Essential Selection at 10. Those were the times when my only source of dance music was from commercial radio stations, and good thing Red FM had a dedicated dance music segment every weeknights.

Holden & Thompson - Nothing: When I was in Form 1, I was too noob to go back to JB from my school at Kuala Pilah on my own, so dad had to fetch me. He would take a bus to Seremban, and then I would follow him back home by bus. Basically the monthly cost of me going back home would be doubled, because he had to accompany me on my journey. I don't know how I could do that to my dad (hey, I was not the one asking for it). Anyhoo, one unfortunate evening (the day before Raya holiday), dad came and fetch me as usual, but by the time we reached Seremban, there were no tickets left to Johor Bahru. Not even a single ticket, bas tambahan pun takde. No choice left, we had to take a taxi, which costed around RM200 to JB. Thank God there was one unfortunate uncle who also had to go back to JB by taxi, so dad only had to pay RM130 (was still very expensive though). I felt like crying once we're in the taxi, and that's when this song came up on the radio. I still remember every single thing happening on that day every time I play this song. *cries*

Terry Bones vs Fred Baker - Return to Innocence: Form 1. It's either the bus, or dad fetching me all the way from JB by motorcycle. Yep, I'm not bluffing, I used to have several 300km+ journey from Kuala Pilah to JB, and back to Kuala Pilah again by motorcycle when it was time to go back. Come rain or shine, dad would spend a total of 24 hours to and fro Kuala Pilah on the road (6 hours from JB to KP, 6 hours with me from KP to JB, they cycle is repeated again when it's time to return to school). It must be very tiring for him. I'm such a terrible daughter. Anyhoo, the song. I used to listen to this song on one of those journeys, courtesy of Wicked. It was barely audible though, masked by the sounds of motorcycle engine and wind blowing past us.

Brother Brown - Under the Water and Chungking - Making Music: By the time I was in Form 2, I can finally go back home by bus on my own. My journey usually took 6 hours, and by the time I reach JB, it was already 9 pm. I spent the last hour of my journey listening to Wicked, and songs like these usually came up at the beginning of the show. Best part of the journey.

Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful: What? Of course I do listen to stuffs other than dance music! Again, discovered this song from The Official UK Top 40, one rainy Saturday night, in my late grandpa's van while on my way back from shopping at Tangkak. This is a very strange and beautiful song indeed, but it has now became my official stalking song. Most people I like are strange anyway, so yeah. Hahahaha.

Adele - Hometown Glory: I forgot when exactly did I first listen to this song, but this song is nostalgic for a reason. It's the song me and Leana performed on INTEC's Got Talent (we didn't even get to the final stage, though). So basically, this song reminds me of her. Aw, rindu lah.

I think that's all for now. I have lots of other nostalgic songs to be included, but meh. Exam, exam. In the meantime, what's your list of nostalgic songs?

Off to study Chem

Alice

it's exam week but what the hell

2011-06-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Guess what I'll be doing this winter break?

~~Cancelling my plan to go to Christchurch!~~ I'm going to use this baby of mine!

FINALLY AFTER WAITING FOR 2 YEARS

And guess what I'll be sewing?

A freakin lolita JSK of course!

But that depends, really, because I'm yet to find affordable fabric (average price here is $20/metre, back in Malaysia I can get 4 metres of awesome floral printed cotton with $20 you know???). Will probably spend $100 worth of taxpayers' money to complete this project, hahaha.

Loli project will have to wait till I finish my exam, though. CELS this Monday, Chem on Wednesday, Physics on Friday (kenapa killer subject mesti last sekali???) and then it's FUN FUN FUN FUN LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL NOW REBECCA

p/s: I'm staying up to study for CELS (teh horror!) and look what I found amidst tons of lecture handouts. Hahaha!

Fangirling is okay (Philosopher, 2011)

Pray for me, please. As much as I love pharmtox, I don't want to go through the whole contract signing processes again should I fail Health Sciences First Year. Need to get an average of B. That's difficult man, considering I have ADD (lol!) and can't sit on my desk studying for hours without being distracted by the thoughts of spinning poi. Really hope I can get at least one A and no C. A+ sounds better though.

See you in a week's time!

Alice

best thing about living in NZ...

2011-05-28T03:27:00.000-07:00

... I get to buy books I never thought I could buy! Hahaha!

Found this while browsing through Marbecks, a secluded CD store-cums-bookshop in Wall Street. They also had lots of obscure classics, and popular classics with gorgeous covers (note to Leana: I found 3 different versions of On The Road, and they're all awesome like heck).

I'm also waiting for my DMT: The Spirit Molecule to arrive in the mail, bought it off Whitcoulls. Next on my wishlist would be LSD My Problem Child and PiHKAL, found them at great prices on Mindfuel, but I'll probably need to wait until I get my next allowance to buy them. Um, maaaaaybe I'll buy me My Problem Child next month if I do well in my exams, it's only $30 anyway, with free shipping and all.

I really love bookstores here. You could buy books online with no additional shipping costs, you can get all sorts of obscure titles (do you honestly think I would find DMT: The Spirit Molecule at Malaysia? Last time I check I couldn't even find anything about lucid dreaming, let alone hallucinogens), the prices are great provided you don't convert the currency, and you could automatically get a 10% discount by being a student, without needing to apply for membership cards and renew them every year. Even if you want to apply for membership cards, it's absolutely free! And oh, if $20 per book is still too expensive for you, you could always buy them at secondhand bookstores at half the original price or lower. Gila awesome.

I guess this has got to do with the reading culture here. We don't have that strong of a culture in Malaysia; people prefer to read about the latest political sex scandal or stories about 'who gets raped by who' taken from Harian Metro instead of reading something worthwhile. You could hardly find people reading in public places or while waiting for something. I used to carry a book with me and read them while manning Mom's kuih stall, and oftentimes I found myself being the subject of teasing by rempit types who passed by, saying things like "hai kak, rajinnya, jual kuih pun sempat belajar" (I was reading Crichton's Sphere. I didn't know that could be considered as 'belajar'. Oh well, those bits about Drake equation maybe). Anyhoo, putting that aside, I would like to get myself a nice bookshelf and fill them with the books I bought/will buy while I'm studying here. Macam J dalam novel Empangan. There's an epic book sale coming up this September in Dunedin, where you could buy secondhand books at prices as low as $1. I can't wait.

That reminds me. I should totally update my bibliophile wishlist.

Alice

well, one can always try

2011-05-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

Aku masuk pertandingan lagu puisi. How freaky is that?? I mean, okay I can always compose the songs via FL and stuffs, I have a reservoir of melodies on my head anyway, tapi nak tulis lirik dalam bentuk puisi? Dalam bahasa Melayu?? Like heck! Aku kalau bab bunga-bunga ni lemah sikit actually. Aku pun tak tau kenapa aku boleh ambil keputusan separa suicide dengan menerima tawaran Zariq untuk masuk benda lagu puisi bagai tu. Tangguh punya tangguh, sampai ke sudah aku tak siap lagi apa-apa.

Sampaila semalam. Dalam keadaan separa sedar lepas bangun dari tidur (hypnagogia maybe), aku tiba-tiba dapat ilham dalam bentuk random sets of words. So petang tu aku cuba tulis satu-satu, susun elok-elok. Cubaan pertama gila babas punya clichéd, ala-ala sajak aku tulis zaman Form 3 dulu ('jalan penuh duka, raungan kedengaran di mana-mana', stuffs like that). Tak tau la kalau ini pun boleh kira clichéd jugak, but oh well. Dah tak sempat, pertandingan tu Sabtu ni.

Seka Air Matamu

oleh Vryzzer

Sunyi

Walau bibir menguntum senyum tapi di jiwa tiada apa

Sunyi

Satu-satu menjadi debu, yang tinggal hanya rongga

Walau kau kata sinar itu ada, mengapa aku tak upaya

Hanya kelam yang aku rasa

Ini luahan si gadis sunti

Yang hatinya luluh dilanyak realiti

Katanya manusia itu hanya topengan

Mulia luaran disebalik kebinatangan

Rakus politikus menghenyak segala cita-cita

Cita untuk melihat hapusnya duka

Cita untuk mengecap indahnya cinta

Manusia itu apa?

Yang menoda tanah pusaka bangsa

Katanya tak apa, ini hak kita

Yang pengecut menikus tanpa bicara

Katanya tak apa, ini hal mereka

Biarkan sahaja, biarkan sahaja!

Manusia itu apa?

Yang obsesi merajai diri

Kata mereka, aku punya suka

Yang berkuasa mereka buta

Kata mereka, aku upaya

Biarkan sahaja, biarkan sahaja!

Lalu gadis sunti itu diam di situ

Bergenang matanya memandang sepi

Kukatakan padanya, seka air matamu

Kerna yakinlah, janji Tuhan itu pasti

If you're wondering, tema lagu puisi ini ialah kemanusiaan yang hilang. Ada la sikit2 pasal Palestin kot. Huaaaaaaaaaa maluuuuuu

Nanti lagu full aku upload kat Soundcloud.

Alice

could you define the word paranoiac

2011-05-23T23:06:00.000-07:00

I used to think Younger Brother was not as awesome as Simon's other projects, probably because they don't really make Shpongle-tinged psychedelic ambient (unlike Celtic Cross, Purple Om, Mystery of the Yeti and Dub Trees). Younger Brother features sounds that you wouldn't expect coming from the great Simon Posford himself. I mean, Simon is synonymous with psychedelic ambient and Goa trance, he wouldn't possibly produce stuffs that sound like a marriage between Pink Floyd and Coldplay innit? The "un-psybientness" is especially prominent in their latest album Vaccine, where you could actually get Ru singing like he's freaking Chris Martin. But after exploring their tracks pre-Vaccine, I actually found them highly interesting. After all, the whole Pink Floyd-ness vibe is not that bad, I like Pink Floyd. And by making something outside the usual Goa-psy spectrum, more people are aware of the existence of the musical genius that is Simon Posford. Let's just hope he won't end up being the psybient version of Infected Mushroom - too much mainstream exposure can be bad for the imagination (what the hell do they have in mind - a 3 1/2 minute-long psy track???).

'All I Want' is my current favourite YB track, because it's rather psychedelic and has that distinctive Simon + Benji vibe presented in a refreshing way. And Loituma samples - who would've thought of putting that? I also love the vocal samples in the beginning of the track - weird accent, weirdly beautiful. Paranoiac critical method. Awesome.

Talk about paranoiac, 'Adrien having a girlfriend already' is another one of my paranoid assumption. But still, there are possibilities. I didn't know why I was so upset about it - I realized he's too far-fetched for me. Maybe this whole incident reminds me of the things that happened during my school days. I did not feel disappointed, I feel humiliated. This is exactly the reason why I don't want to make the first move (and by first move, I didn't mean flirting whatsoever. I was just sending an innocent message saying hello for God's sake!). When I eventually did, bad things happened. Like that one time when I tried to befriend Ezra, my schoolmate. And shit like these actually decreased my self-esteem further. I mean, am I that repulsive or what? Too ~~eccentric~~ weird? Too ugly? I know this sounded like me circa 2006 (or like any random 15-year-old girls with raging hormones. I should feel ashamed because I'm an effin adult now, I'm 20), but hell.

Anyhoo, to make myself feel better, I made a list on why I deserve someone better than Adrien. Among other things, I included 'fckin womaniser', 'drinks alcohol', 'not a fellow dreamer', 'not a spitting image of Raphael because Raphael is WAY better than that' and 'doesn't even know freakin Shpongle!!! Are you fckin kidding me!!! And he calls himself alty!!!' in my list. Now that really made me feel better!

On the bright side, looks like my New Year Resolution #15 will stay intact, thank God for that. I don't think I will ever have the desire to, um, look for potential campus crushes or anything after this. As the Malay saying goes, I don't want banana to fruit two times (pisang berbuah dua kali HAHAHAHAHAHA!!). 'Sides, going to class for the sake of eyeing your crush sangat menyimpang okeh. Belajar tak ikhlas.

Excuse me while I go and find Raph in my dreams.

Alice

NRT

2011-05-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

I watched this ad for the first time on TV3 around 2 years ago. And every time I watch it, I couldn't help but to think of my dad. Now that I'm away from home, watching this ad once again made me cry. I love my dad so much (even though I never show it, we're one weird family), I couldn't bear the thoughts of losing him to diseases related to his habit. My whole life was spent living away from him (he worked at Singapore when I was 11, and I went to boarding school when I was 13), and I pray to God to give him good health so that I could spend more time with him. I saw what happened to my cousin's father (also a hardcore smoker) and it breaks my heart every time I think of it. I don't want dad to end up like that

Guess I should really introduce nicotine replacement therapy to him. Better late than never

leaving lolita?

2011-05-15T04:29:00.000-07:00

As unbelievable as it sounds, I did not bring any of my lolita outfits with me to New Zealand, save for my Bodyline blouse (the one that I wore beneath that JPA blazer during departure). I practically left behind the very essence of who I am, my primary source of happiness, my much prized possessions that made me feel beautiful inside and out, that saved me from being destroyed by my lack of self esteem (exaggerations, but you get my point). I came here as a completely new person. I am no longer Fatimah the Muslim Lolita, I am Fatimah the Psychedelic Freak, recycling the image I portrayed when I was 13 or 14.

You think I did that on purpose? Of course I didn't. I left my lolita stuffs not because I'm sick of the drama or being name-called or looking like a total freak. I left them because - brace yourself - I was worried that I would exceed the baggage limit set by MAS during departure. How lame was that? I mean, how much would a single JSK weigh anyway, right? But the thing about lolita fashion is, having a single JSK and practically nothing else won't make you lolita enough. You also need to have at least one blouse/bolero/cutsew, a petticoat, socks, lolita-friendly shoes (or in my case, frickin boots), accessories etc to build a complete lolita look. The whole shebang fill up spaces and weigh like a mother. I know, because I tried shoving them into my bag several nights before my departure, only to discover that my baggage weight exceeded the limit by 3kg afterwards. 'Sides, they didn't fit. I brought too much curry powder/spices/A4 paper/toiletries/other essential items (please refer to this post), there were hardly any spaces left even for normal casual clothing, let alone lolita dresses. I ended up bringing only around 5 t-shirts, and 2 non-lolita dresses, subsequently forcing me to morph from this:

to this:

(I'm wearing the same coat in both pictures. Behold the power of coordination.)

The closest thing I could get to lolita is this:

and maybe this:

That's just sad. Well, it's not that I hate my current image or anything (I kinda like it. It obviously screams "I'm a psy chick who supports the legalization of LSD!" without me having to wear tie-dyed t-shirts), it's just that... I feel different.

I no longer have that much interest in cute and pastel-coloured stuffs, preferring tribal/ethnic-flavoured stuffs instead. When shopping for accessories, I no longer squeal over pearl necklaces with rose cameo pendants or pastry-themed rings; my eyes were fixed on the earth-coloured bangles made in India instead. I tend to draw mandalas more than lolita shoes/boots on the margin of my notes during lecture. I have deleted all of my Kanon Wakeshima songs in my computer, replacing them with more Shpongles. All because I didn't bring my lolita stuffs with me. Lawak kan?

But that doesn't mean I have abandoned lolita fashion completely. I still lurk over EGL and d_l daily, and support my Muslim lolita friends whenever I have the opportunity. I visit Bodyline website occasionally, thinking about the tons of stuffs I would buy if Mr. Yan hadn't stopped the $20 DHL shipping offer. I still keep my sweet lolita accessories with me, although I left quite a number of my cabochon rings in Malaysia (apasal semua benda nak tinggal aku ni? Gahh!!). But yeah, I couldn't call myself a lolita anymore here. Not until I could get my hands on a complete set of lolita items.

You ask me why I didn't have them shipped over? Well ah, I don't want to bother my parents - shipping them could be costly, and Mom would probably have a hard time searching for my loli stuffs (I don't have a proper wardrobe back home, and I had forgotten where exactly I put all of my dresses/petticoat/blouses/shoes. Yep, they're all over the place). Sew a new dress here? That's difficult, because I also left my sewing materials behind. Sewing stuffs are rather expensive here, and I just don't have the time to handsew a complete set (including petticoat and head accessories). I found a couple of lolita dresses on sale at trademe, but considering my current financial state (had to survive on less than $500 now, JPA delayed our allowance for 1 month wuuuuu) I need to think twice even before buying clothes at the nearest OP shop, so there's no way I could spend $90 on a Meta sailor dress.

I guess I'll just have to wait till next January to get my lolita stuffs back. Hope my love towards lolita fashion won't disappear completely in the process. I really wanted to buy me an AatP dress with the money I will get from fruit picking jobs this summer. That would be awesome.

Sew frills onto the hem of your heart

Alice

bitchin'

2011-05-10T05:07:00.000-07:00

We live in a world where physical appearances are much better appreciated than 'what's behind the curtains'. That's why we have girls putting their duckfaced pictures on their blog headers, trying their best to look like HanaYunaTajimaWhatever in every single shots. No, I don't have any specific opinions regarding these girls, although sometimes I do feel they have gone overboard.

But that's not my point. My point is, how often do you find a person attractive due to his or her quirkiness? Or, since quirkiness may only appeal to a small subset of the community, his or her charisma? Flair? Attitude? Most people would definitely go for what they could perceive with their naked eye. Having said that, if you are born pretty, or somehow found a way to make yourself look pretty, you will most likely be the subject of admiration for many people. Yep, I know, I'm merely restating an obvious fact; there's nothing new here. But how about those who did not have beauty (or physical attractiveness, at least, considering the word 'beauty' is so damn subjective) as their asset? Sure, someone would eventually notice that hidden, skin-deep beauty within them, but can you guarantee that they won't suffer from serious inferiority complex/ lack of self-esteem before that happens?

And guys still question why girls wear makeup and Hana Tajima-inspired outfits.

While we're at it, is quirkiness a turn-off?

Alice

talking? what's that?

2011-05-07T02:09:00.000-07:00

I can't have a decent conversation with people.

No really, I can't.

No, I'm not trying to be pessimistic and start a two-page rant about my non-existent social skills, but that's the reality.

It's one of the many things I can't do well in life. Whenever I found myself engaged in conversations with people I'm unfamiliar with, things get awkward in a matter of seconds. Either I began babbling incoherently about things that are not worth mentioning (most of the time about myself - I'm self-centered like that lol), or I started stuttering while trying to say simple phrases like "How's your Physics test?", or the conversation died after two clichéd questions.

Example:

Me: Hi there, can I be your lab partner?

Girl: Sure, that'll be cool.

Me: So... what's your name?

Girl: I'm ____. And you?

Me: I'm Fatimah :D *forced smile, barely audible*

Girl: Oh, Tina?

Me: No, it's F-Fatimah *stutters* Just call me Tim.

Girl: Oh, alright then Tim.

*long pause, us doing our own thing*

Me: Sooo... where do you come from?

Girl: I'm from Auckland. You:

Me: I'm from Malaysia.

Girl: Cool! Malaysia is a lovely country.

Me: You think so?

Girl: Yeah, I like Malaysia.

Me: Cool!

*another long pause*

Me: Do you live in a residential college? (well duh, that's obviously a lame question because all first year students are required to stay in a residential college)

Girl: Yup, I'm staying at X College. Where do you live at?

Me: Ah, I'm staying at T-Toroa College *stutters again*

Girl: Sorry?

Me: Toroa, it's quite far from here, um, ah... *trying to find words to describe where exactly is the location of my college* ...near St David.

Girl: Cool! So you wanna stir this chemicals first?

*long pause lasted until the end of the lab*

Like heck. That happens in most of my labs, particularly one in which I don't have a permanent lab partner and none of my fellow Malaysian friends are around (yes, I'm talking about CELS here). Explaining something requires tremendous amount of effort, and even with all those precautionary measures I've taken (arranging my words carefully before blurting them out, making sure I know what I want to talk about, translating them properly from Malay to English) I still can't speak properly. I stuttered. I lost my words in the middle of a sentence. I don't have any freaking topics to be brought up. In the end, I kept my mouth shut, trying my best to keep conversations with other people minimal, all the while making myself look like an extremely snobbish person who doesn't want any kinds of human interaction.

That sucks, because if people don't start talking to me, there's no way I'm going to start talking to them. I really wanted to make friends with people in my class other than fellow Malaysian students and the occasional Bruneians, but that simply won't happen because, well, there's no way they're going to say hi to a socially-challenged Asian girl like me. And there's no way I'm going to start that too, because I fear things will get awkward. Like that time when I decided to become friendly enough and said hi to an Indian girl who always sit beside me during HUBS lecture. Suffice to say I never found her sitting beside me again.

Maybe my English just sucks, hence me not being able to have a decent conversation with people whose mother tongue is English. But then again I found myself extremely conversant when I'm talking to myself. Doesn't matter if I didn't 'arrange' the words prior to speaking or anything, I can easily deliver a 10-minute non-stop impromptu public speaking session when I'm alone in my room, no stuttering whatsoever. I'm too shy? Hell no, I was never a shy person, nor I was born to be one. Mom once told me that when I was 4, I was the one entertaining our guests with my non-stop rants and my tendency to break into a Michael Jackson-inspired dance in public (I still do that dance-in-public thingy nowadays- only this time, instead of moonwalks I prefer hippie trance dance). I still don't know what happened during my pre-adolescent years that made me transform into the socially awkward person that I am today, but one thing I'm certain, they involved things like 'being ostracized' and 'damned paternal family who did nothing apart from making our lives more miserable day by day'. Wait, that last part didn't have anything to do with being socially awkward, but meh.

Last two days I had a very long 'conversation' with myself, trying to discover what I could do to fix this particular problem of mine. Among other things, I realized that I worry too much on what people think about myself. Like, "OMG I stutter every time I speak, they must think I'm retarded or something, how can I live like this OMG OMG" I focus too much on perfecting the 'cosmetic' side of conversation (i.e. slang, intonation, pronunciation, body language), while paying little attention on the essence of the conversation itself. Seriously, you can still talk to people and give the impression that you are one friendly girl willing to make friends with others even when your English is not Band 7 material. I've seen that in action. And gosh, I kept thinking about "what if things end up being awkward?" instead of thinking about the positive outcome of the conversation. FGS what's the worst thing that could happen? People may think I have the weirdest accent ever, maaaaaybe with some problems pronouncing my R's and S's, and slightly exaggerated facial expressions, but that adds up to my eccentricity, and I love being eccentric. I may end up talking to an equally eccentric person (like that poi-playing girl in my class - seriously, I should talk to her one of these days, I like poi), maybe even finding someone who actually knows what the hell is Shpongle (hint: someone = not Adrien).

I'll start with that psy guy in my chem lab next week. And maybe Adrien after that. After all, I need to explain to him that the ever elusive 'Shy Siti' is not Alia, even though she does seem to be shyer than me.

Mark my words.

Alice

ozora!!!

2011-04-08T02:48:00.000-07:00

Hi
Long time no [proper] updates? So sorry, I have CELS test on Saturday and Physics test next week. And sorry for updating with - of all things - this.

Anyhoo.

OZORA!!! This is exactly where I want to be! Awesome music, awesome deco, awesome lineup, awesome stuffs (a psychedelic labyrinth! How cool is that?).

I kinda like Ozora better than FMF. Not that I've been to any of them, but Ozora seems to have a warmer, more ethereal vibe. And more Shpongle and Twisted people, that's for sure. One of my Facebook friends is going to Ozora this year, and dammnnn how I wish I could go with him! Simon and Raj are going to have a special set this year (it's Shpongle's 20th anniversary!). Must be awesome. Sigh.

Guess I'll just stay here and trance dance to Ineffable Mysteries
Alice

entry tipikal seorang perempuan

2011-04-01T04:28:00.000-07:00

I'm at the verge of breaking my New Year Resolution #15.

Good news is, that guy (I didn't know his name, but let's just call him Adrien) fits my description of Raphael perfectly. Long brown hair - check. Gorgeous and hypnotizing eyes - check. Awesome sense of fashion - check. Quirky attitude - check. Music junkie - check. Mesmerizing voice - check. It's like I have found my dearest Raphael - this time, it's not merely a dream. I couldn't help but to fall in love. Haish.

Bad news is, I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! I'm a socially awkward person, see, and there's no way I'm going to start a conversation with random people, let alone with a guy I fancy. I almost got an opportunity to talk to him and even sit beside him today during HUBS, but I didn't have the audacity to do so. No, there's no way I'm going to make the first move - look what happened back in my school days.

I would love to be his friend. He seems to be interested in quirky stuffs, and he's rather eccentric as well. I love eccentric guys like that (think Simon Posford). I could already imagine how awesome it would be if I were to be his friend. "You're into lucid dreaming as well? Dude, that's awesome! We could, like, have a shared lucid dream or something. No really, it's not merely Inception material, you really can do that in real life. Let's try it tonight!" Feel free to change 'lucid dreaming' to 'Shpongle' or 'Infected Mushroom' or 'dimethyltryptamine'.

Next time I will find out his real name. If it's Raphael, I swear I'm going to make the first move. And tell him I'm in love with him.

Wish me luck

Alice

this is why i don't wanna be a dentist

2011-03-26T00:23:00.000-07:00

I'm back! Yes, I'm still alive. Sorry for the long absence. Health Sciences First Year's not a walk in a park, especially when your memory relating to Physics stuffs has long been buried since 2009. Anyhoo, Dunedin's getting colder now that it's autumn already, and I went to class breathing out condensed water vapour. Awesome. Will post autumn-related photos to make you jelly later.

Yes, this entry is about my problematic tooth. I freakin don't understand why I keep having dental problems despite using flosses and Listerine and Darlie Lemon Fresh Whatever. I would like to blame the copious amount of soft drinks I chugged last week for celebration purposes, but then again, maybe it's just those damned natural selection survivors lurking in my premolar, wanting to take revenge over their defeat in the last antibiotic war. I TOLD that government clinic dentist to extract my tooth back in Malaysia, but he didn't want to, saying it's unethical and stuffs. Will definitely not go to a government dental clinic anymore after this. So yeah, last Sunday my tooth was giving off warnings about an impending infection, but I thought it won't be that bad. I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen? Turns out the next day, the worst thing happened. I was forced to be bedridden, crying and screaming bloody murder as the nasty little microbes gnaw their way through my tissues. Being the painkiller junkie that I am, I even took 10 tablets of paracetamol in less than 24 hours, much to the dismay of my liver and kidneys. At one point I was even thinking of calling the ambulance so that I could be taken to A&E and get myself a nice shot of antibiotic. And goddamn morphine. Anything to keep those little buggers quiet.

The next day, following the advice from a senior (who's also suffering from a crippling toothache), I went to the uni's Dental School, hoping that I could go home with an antibiotic prescription. I was told that there's a lot of people waiting to get their treatment that day, and it would probably take about half a day before I could finally meet the dentist. I thought what the hell, I have CELS lecture at 4, might be missing my only chance to see Adrien in class, so I postponed my appointment to Wednesday. Thinking that I might be exhausting my reservoir of paracetamol that night, I stopped by Albany Street Pharmacy to get more painkillers because self-medication is awesome. Gosh, the assistant pharmacist is damn cute! With a soothing and mesmerizing voice! He gave me Panadeine for my pain (thank God for opiate!) and I went to my CELS lecture only to discover that Adrien was not there. Sheesh.

On Wednesday, my tooth was getting a bit better, but I went for my appointment anyway. The staffs (dental students?) were very friendly, but I didn't make much attempt at conversations since I couldn't bother lifting my aching jaw. Oh, did I mention about having my lymph nodes swollen? Anyhoo, after going through my medical history and obtaining a radiograph of my lower left jaw, the lovely dentist confirmed the fact that my premolar was indeed infected. No antibiotics whatsoever this time, you either get extraction or root canal. Since I couldn't be bothered to have multiple dental appointments after this, I chose the easier (and cheaper) option: get that damned tooth out of my mouth.

In the Oral Surgery department, I was put under the care of a lovely dental student, who did her best to make me feel comfortable. She kept asking me whether I was okay, and assured me that I was "doing really good". What a pleasant dentist she would be someday. Her tutor came and supervised her throughout the anaesthesia procedure, and I heard her saying something like "rotating, superior, posterior...", possibly giving instructions to the student about how to yank off my tooth properly. I was a bit nervous (of course I was! It's my first time and I have a student pulling out my tooth!) but she told me I was doing really good so yeah. Everything went okay initially (I even asked for extra anaesthesia just for the hell of it) until I noticed that she was having difficulties with my tooth. After several minutes of yanking and rotating, there were no signs of my tooth getting loose from its socket, so her tutor came in and helped her. Just a bit though, didn't want to ruin the whole learning process. Second attempt after 15 minutes, still unsuccessful. Her tutor asked her to use another tool, and she continued to work on my tooth for about ten minutes more. Still no progress. Despite the anaesthesia, I could feel my nerves being pulled, and all those yanking and rotating made me feel like they would dislocate my jaw any time from now. More "you're doing really good" followed.

One peculiar thing about the dental clinic was that they didn't have any suction devices to suck out the saliva and blood from my mouth. They just kept dabbing my mouth with gauze to keep it relatively dry (I don't think a gauze is efficient enough to do that). At this point, the smell of blood was too much for me; I even felt a wave of nausea hitting me whenever they shove those bloody gauze into my mouth. Worse still, the gauze left a trail of bloody saliva across my cheek. I felt extremely uncomfortable, and tried to direct my attention to other things, but the smell of blood kept distracting me. More rotating and pulling action, still no remarkable result.

Another dentist (male, possibly Muslim) came into the room to see what took them so long to pull out my teeth. The student, possibly too nervous, managed to chip off the filled part of my tooth, which caused me to groan in distress. For no apparent reason, a drop of tear suddenly escaped from my eye! What's wrong with my tooth? What's with the army of dentists invading the room like I was some sort of a case study? What's that chipping noise again? Why the hell am I crying?? To make things worse, they noticed me crying, and the mak cik cleaner (who was also in the room - God knows why she was also there) gave me some tissues to wipe off my tears. Instant humiliation!

The tutor worked on my tooth for a little while before giving up, and passed the bloody job to her colleague, a young Chinese man. After what seemed to be an infinity, he finally managed to extract my tooth. Everybody in the room could not contain their relief and actually cheered! Now that's something new - dentists cheering in an op room like they had just delivered a baby. And I actually cried tears of joy like I almost gave birth to a baby! Sheesh, gila awkward. I glanced at the wall clock behind me - it was 4.20 p.m. (lol 420) and I was late for my meeting with Dr. Brunton. What the hell. After calculations I realized that they took a whole 1 hour to pull out my premolar. No wonder why they bloody cheered. Isk.

I went home without any antibiotic/painkiller prescriptions. With blood-stained face, I walked aimlessly around the campus, contemplating whether or not I should attend my HUBS lecture. Alas, I decided that I was too stoned to do HUBS, Adrien or no Adrien, and headed straight to Toroa. All hell broke loose after an hour when the anaesthesia wore off, and I moaned and cried my heart out in pain, alone in the room, thinking why the hell can't they just give me antibiotics.

The next day, I had a nasty post-op infection. Two days later, I went to get them checked only to discover that I may won't be able to claim my insurance because they didn't keep a record on the dentist who treated me on Wednesday. Up until now, the extraction site was still painful and filled with pus.

One hour and four dentists later, this.

At this point, I sincerely miss Malaysian dentists.

Alice

p/s: I'm not trying to say that dental care in NZ sucks - it's not, you see, the dentists are very lovely. It's just that, well, I was hoping for something better. But then again I went to a dental school so what do you expect kan.

let's go back in the time machine... to ancient India...

2011-03-14T22:57:00.000-07:00

Taken from my old blog on Friendster (lol gila ancient!):

Every single psy-trance headz know and realize the fact that this particular sub-genre of dance music is heavily related with drugs. Hell, I do realize this too, ever since I first fell in love with it. People say that psy-trance is LSD, and LSD is psy-trance. Heck, what did they know about it?

For me, I didn’t approve the idea of psy-trance is drug music. Hell, I know psy-trancers all over the world took LSD in the middle of a Full Moon party [I didn't], but isn’t the music more enjoyable without lysergic acid diethylamide? A lot of people thought that "Oh, if I take acid I’ll slip into a trip so that my senses will be more sensitive and I’ll experience the true beauty of psy-trance". Yeah yeah… wait till you experience bad trip.

Let me tell you something, you don’t necessarily need acid to experience real trance-like effects. Oh, and hell, I’m not only talking about the psy-trance community and acid alone, I’m talking about the whole dance music community, bet you take acid or E or GHB or crack or whatever. If you really wanna enjoy the music even more, all you got to do is listen it with your ears and your heart. That one always work, for me. If you still can’t feel it, try listening it with the aid of some multi-sense tools (that’s a geeky double talk for visuals). That’s why God created VJs — to help you enjoy the music without drugs of course. Psy-trance lovers can always enjoy the music by listening it by headphones, and sit in front of psychedelic visuals on TV/ computer/ LCD projector/ plasma screens [the bigger the better]. Hard to find such visuals? Winamp AVS will help you, for sure. Or just drag the Kurst VJs into your home [or you can always go to ALT*CTRL, a visual festival in UK. Or similar events...]

Well actually, you can get a lot of benefits if you ditch drugs. I don’t wanna say it in an old mama way, but anyways. First of all, of course, you won’t experience bad trip. And the risk of being OD’ed to death. And then, you can always save your money to buy Final Scratch if you’re a vinyl hardcore fan, or even upgrade your TT to SL1210MK5G [or if you prefer, SLDZ1210]. Then again, you don’t have to be a fugitive by running away from policemen. And best of all, there will be no such RAVE act in the USA. Oh, you might even end up being Paul van Dyk and be the No.1 DJ in the world, even being the next German president or something. Remember, PvD don’t take drugs.

Well, I don’t wanna nag more here. If you still can’t leave those acid/E/GHB/ice crack/such and such, just take this simple step. Take 20 Panadols and wash them down with Coke. You’ll definitely fell into a massive trancelike state…. with slim chance of recovery, that is. Oh never mind, you can always resume your trip in heaven. Hell, maybe.

I can't believe I wrote this when I was 13. Seven years later and I'm preaching the entheogenic properties of LSD already! Hahaha. Well, you can still say I'm an anti-drugs person (lol that's kinda hard to believe isn't it), but psychedelics have at least some benefits to mankind so yeah. Just don't take drugs for the sake of drugging yourself, if you know what I mean. You still have DMT in your brain. Use that.

Don't let Hofmann cry in his grave, he wrote LSD: My Problem Child already

Alice

dunedin

2011-02-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

Hi! Sorry for the long absence. 16 February was my departure date, and I haven't been able to be online until yesterday. No free WiFi here apart from the uni connection, so while waiting for our connections to set up (which, we initially thought, would miraculously set up on its own without us needing to do something about it) I basically spend the whole day going thrift shopping around Dunedin, and watching back-to-back Fringe episodes at night - all the while trying not to freeze myself to death of course.

So yeah, so far Dunedin is lovely. Very lovely, in fact, far beyond my expectations. If you're wondering, I was expecting Dunedin to be some sort of a boring countryside with no proper places to do my favourite activity (read: shopping). Way to go for not doing my homework before flying haha. Turns out Dunedin is a shopping paradise, in a way - God knows how much money I have spent buying thrift store items, gadgets at student prices/Mydin prices (Lava lamp for NZD 15! 3-in-1 printer for NZD 39! 1TB external hard disk for NZD 95! Brother sewing machine for NZD 189! Oh wait, I didn't buy that sewing machine, it's in my wishlist. Must. Stop. Compulsive. Buying.), food items, stuffs from Kmart, etc. Some of them are even cheaper that the ones I could get at Malaysia! (Side note: well ah of course when you convert the prices, they're more or less the same, but remember Miss Ain's Golden Rule: Jangan convert nanti takleh hidup!) Halal meals are also very easy to find here, so dining will not be that much of a problem (we cook for ourselves, so yeah. Halal foodstuffs are everywhere).

Contoh masakan halal yang sedap lagi awesome.

I live in a residential college, the lovely Toroa College, which is awesome to the max (despite my previous whines about that RM7000 thingie. But yeah, worth RM7000 I tell you!). I get to live with Amal, Alia, Linda and Hannan, which makes living here much easier since we've known each other long enough already. Downstairs, we have 3 other Malaysian students - Michelle, Elfira and Felicia, so it's easier for our seniors and JPA officers as well when it comes to settling scholarship/ Malaysian student-related things with us. And oh, we're also under the care of a Malaysian RA, Sim. Not to mention the very caring Malaysian seniors living nearby. We're lucky like that.

My flatmates

Our very lovely house. We live upstairs.

My room also happened to be the most regularly shaped in the house, if not the biggest (lol). It's a very cozy room, and I get to decorate it as psychedelic as I could :P

door is decorated for Toroa College's Pimp My Door comp so haha!

room is big enough for me to be happy :D

I just have to put em here! XP (note the pharmtox info sheet on the left)

Since we don't have much activities this week apart from the English diagnostics test, preliminary lectures and the orientation activities this weekend, we spent the last few days doing, um, what else but tourist activities! Take lots of pictures! XD

The roses are very awesome here btw. Macam bunga kertas kat Malaysia. They're everywhere.

Psychedelic-wise, I haven't mingled with the people here that much so I don't really know much about psy culture here. As far as I could observe, people here LOVE dubstep. And alcohol - alcohol is a very serious problem here in Dunedin. The university, however, has a club named The Shamanic Circle which, as the name suggests, does shamanic things in sacred places surrounded by candles etc. May also include lucid dreaming, astral projection/OOBE, technoshamanism and getting Shpongled. Sounds highly awesome, but I doubt it'll be good for my faith here. I am, after all, still a Muslim.

There's a strong cannabis culture here as well, headlined by the uni's own NORML movement. Not that I'm remotely interested, but yeah, like I mentioned before (not here I guess, it's somewhere in my MINDS debate notes on legalizing pot) these dudes are like our cousin because marijuana is a mild psychedelic, and, er, so there. Thanks to this, there's a cool shop on George Street named Cosmic Corner, a strong supporter of cannabis legalization, which also sells Salvia. Gosh, Salvia FGS.

Psychedelic, albeit not psy enough for me. But they do have Salvia *emphasis on Salvia*

Haha, enough with the psychedelic babbles. So far, I'm loving Dunedin already, but classes haven't started yet so I can't really say much. Homesickness may come later this year, when I was up to my ears with academic stuffs. But till then, I think I wanna enjoy a little bit more. Off to Botanical Gardens tomorrow! Shoot, got English diagnostics test. Will write more elaborately on my next entry, Insya-Allah. Bye for now!

And no, I am not going to buy those Salvia, if you're wondering.

Alice

16 February

2011-02-10T06:10:00.000-08:00

GAHHHHHHHHH

My days here are numbered. Less than a week before I'm off to Dunedin.

Yup, you heard me right. Less than a week, which means my flight won't be on the 19th as expected. It's a long story, but suffice to say that you should never EVER believe in hypes even when they come from a slideshow presented by MAS.

pic stolen from Aisyah. To clarify, the date shown says '19 Feb'

Right now I'm in a constant state of panic. I have only bought a few essential items for my journey to Dunedin, because I thought what the hell, I've got plenty of time more to do shopping. I'm awesome like that, see. Must go invade Giant tomorrow. And Landmark IT Mall also. Don't want to be caught using pirated Microsoft Office at NZ, no?

Of course, this latest news triggered screams of frustration by many an INTECian going to Otago (save for a few overzealous types, but I won't name names here although they don't read my blog), but well, there's no point grumbling really. JPA said it's 16 February, and that's it. 16 February would it be. Doesn't matter if your parents can't get a day off, your relatives can't come and send you to the airport, your former crush can't say goodbye to you on that day, etc. Haish.

And wow, lesser time in Malaysia. I know 3 days won't make that much of a difference (since I spend my day sleeping and wake up hoping that the day will end faster so that I can sleep more. Can't help it, I'm practicing :P) but tsk. 3 less days to spend with my parents and bros, 3 less days to spend some quiet time in my beloved cramped space of a bedroom, 3 less days to feel the warmth of the blazing JB sun, 3 less days for afternoon naps (lolwut?). Wow. Quick, give me time dilation stuff! (read:pot)

But then again, everything is fated by God. He knows what's best for us. Flying on the 16th is not that bad really, since we could make it in time for the course enrollment stuffs and orientation programs. And more time to settle down before class starts. That's good, that's good.

So yes, we plan and Allah plans too. But Allah's plans are better than ours, so be grateful! (bunyik pelik oh, aku direct translate ni ha)

See you at Dunny!

Alice

yes, i now have a dream journal

2011-02-08T05:51:00.000-08:00

If you want to become lucid, it would be very helpful if you keep a dream journal and improve your dream recall. Through this, you will be able to detect patterns in your dreams and recognize dream signs so that it will be easier for you to distinguish between your waking life and your dreams. I kept a physical DJ last year, but stopped after the second week because well, there's no fun in keeping my bizarre dreams to myself. Online dream journal sounds very awesome, so I created a new blog for dream purposes (I may also post lucid dreaming-related stuffs there instead of here). I decided not to keep a dream journal at specific dream sites (like my favourite, the Dreamviews Lucid Dreaming Community & Resource DJ) because, um, I may post crappy things in my DJ so kakakakakakaka!

So yes, feel free to visit my DJ: http://dimethyltryptamine-trip.blogspot.com (aw can't help it, DMT is cool dude!)

In the meantime, happy dreaming!

Alice

a pathetic attempt at drawing (also: Forever Alone.jpg)

2011-02-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

I don't have much talent in drawing compared to my bro, but I do love em. When I couldn't be bothered to draw proper anatomy, I draw people with round heads and specs. This is my signature style ever since I was in Form 1.
And yeah, my stroke is a bit messy. :P

I think you can click on them to have a better view. Enjoy!

Alice :D

you are me and i am you

2011-02-04T02:55:00.000-08:00

Dear followers,
Sorry for the never-ending Shpongle spams here. I'll post lolita-related things once I get my camera phone back. In the meantime, have a listen to Simon and Raj here. Your life will be transformed forever, I promise. No you don't have to like electronic music to fall in love with Shpongle - their music is frickin diverse anyway. But of course things would be much easier if you could savour the complex layers of the musical arrangements (perhaps too complex for some?), because that's where the beauty lies.

I particularly liked Shpongle's latest album, Ineffable Mysteries from Shpongleland. It's somehow different than their previous albums (some said it has more pop elements - idk, sounds psychedelic enough for me. I mean, yes there are more vocals, but damn that's Michele Adamson dude, Michele Adamson is full-on Goa dude!) . This song, I Am You, is so lovely I almost cried. Those harmonic vocals are just...OMG. Listen from 3.26-4.11, you'll know what I mean. (I believe Simon also contributed his vocals in this song, but not in this live version).

Oh, and yes, Shpongle live shows are CRAZY as heck! Really wish I would be able to attend one someday. Simon, New Zealand sounds fine to you? :DDD

While you're at it, check out this one. Michele Adamson is very lovely. Can I be a Goa trance vocalist like her as well? XD

Alice

Pseudoephedrine I Have Known And Hated (PIHKAH)

2011-02-02T05:26:00.000-08:00

I have found the culprit behind my inability to have lucid dreams.

This guy here.

Apparently, because I was so obsessed with [medicinal] drugs to the point of daring to prescribe myself random medications, I bought a tab of Allerpid (loratadine 5mg + pseudoephedrine sulphate 120 mg) without consulting a doctor beforehand. Without even Googling 'if I ask for decongestant from a pharmacist what kind of drug will she give me and what will the drug do to my body' first. I just went to my favourite pharmacy, asked the lovely pharmacist for a tab of oral nasal decongestant for my rhinitis, was presented with two options (Claritin-D and Allerpid) and opted for Allerpid because it's cheaper (cough cough). And then I just sort of take em whenever I liked (dosage says one tablet bd, I took one tablet every itching days). Of course I checked MIMS, but they didn't give me any alarming information, save for one DI with antacids (not of my uttermost concern since I don't take antacids - cimetidine is not an antacid isn't it?), and somnolence as its adverse reaction. What I failed to realize is the fact that pseudoephedrine is a phenethylamine, belonging to the same class of chemicals as amphetamines (shoot I should've realized about that earlier) and also in the same group as MDMA, 2C-B and mescaline. Mescaline FGS.

Picture is for decorative purposes only

Nah, of course taking an innocent pseudoephedrine tablet won't give you peyote-like effects, or ecstasy-like effects either. But one should bear in mind that apart from being a potent decongestant, pseudoephedrine is also a potent stimulant. Although your regular OTC nasal decongestant drugs (like my dear Allerpid here) come in the form of antihistamine + pseudoephedrine combination, the mildly sedating properties of antihistamine do not cancel out the stimulating properties of pseudoephedrine (that's why Claritin-D is labelled as 'Non-Drowsy' FGS!). Thus, side effects ranging from headache to restlessness to nausea (akin to that of a caffeine overdose) are not uncommon. In rare cases, nervousness, irritability, disturbed sleep and palpitations/ increased heartbeat can also rise up. Unfortunately, these 'rare cases' are the ones that I've been experiencing for several days already.

I didn't really know what triggered this, but a few nights back I kept waking up in the middle of the night, around 3 a.m. or so, with my heart beating extra fast and me feeling extremely restless. I tried to get back to sleep (with renewed hope because Stephen LaBerge said you can get lucid dreams easier if you take a nap after waking up in the middle of the night or something) but after almost 30 minutes of tossing and turning, I was all but sleepy. The next day, I felt an overwhelming sense of irritation, and almost screamed at my mom who woke me up for my kuih frying obligations. Heartbeat was probably 120 bpm, and not only did I feel irritable and edgy, I also felt some sort of general malaise. I wanted to fall down and pass out, but I couldn't even if I try. It was as if I had just swallowed three packets of extra strong coffee. And I hadn't even touched a drop of coffee for 3 weeks already.

So here, I would like to hypothesize that my history of caffeine abuse has caused the rare side effects of pseudoephedrine to manifest themselves. You know I love making up twisted hypotheses like that.

Eh wait, this is getting way beyond our scope. So what has this got to do with lucid dreaming, you may ask. You see, as mentioned earlier, pseudoephedrine is a stimulant under the amphetamine chemical class, and apart from being used to relieve nasal congestion, it is also used as a wakefulness-promoting agent. That simply means less tendency to fall asleep, and when that happens, you tend to have less REM sleep. When you do not have much REM sleep, dreaming would occur lest often, which also means less lucid dreaming. No seriously guys, I have looked this up; stimulants like amphetamines and their relatives do suppress REM sleep (Shneerson 2000). And it's tried and tested also; I only had around two non-vivid dreams each night for the past few nights (I usually have 4 or more extra-vivid dreams per night). No wonder I found it more difficult to recall my dreams these days (please check out my dream journal). Haish.

For the time being, I think I'll just stick to good ol' REM sleep-promoting cetirizine, since I don't have any obligations which require me to stay awake for long periods in the morning (goreng kuih is meh - I just need to put on my headphones and treat my groggy self with 1200 Micrograms of Hallucinogen and I'm good). I'll probably need those pseudoephedrine tablets for my new academic session later this month though. Ah hey, I made it sound as if I'm planning to launch into some full-blown pharmaceutical abuse. Hahaha. Gosh, must go see MD. I think I also have palpitations.

You know the moral of the story already. Don't self-medicate.

Alice

p/s: yes, title is a rip-off from Phenethylamines i Have Known And Loved (PiHKAL). Sorry Shura/Alice!

Shpongle - Ineffable Mysteries

2011-02-01T07:01:00.000-08:00

I've been Shpongled! When will you? :D

Seriously, you know how much I love songs with Indian chants/Indian classical music elements. That's how I got into Goa and the rest of those hippie stuffs in the first place. And this, THIS is AWESOMERGYGHJKUDGHKGYJSvhbv

Simon and Raja is my personal DMT. Nuff said

i cough cough love older guys

2011-02-01T05:21:00.000-08:00

I guess since I am already over 18 I won't be regarded as a lolita (as in Nabokov) by thinking so? XD

Aw come on, who doesn't love handsome older guys? They are, after all, more mature than your peers, have greater insight on life, probably more caring, etc etc... Considering that the average guy's mental capacity is 2 years younger than his actual age (while us girls' mental capacity is 2 years older than our actual age... statement not supported by any statistical facts, just a sweeping statement XP), dating someone your age would mean dating a person who's 4 years younger mentally than you! And that simply means more drama, more immaturity, more "ala hunny bunny bucuk-bucuk, b nak kiss cikit takkan tak boleh, majowk kang". Things would be even worse if you decided to date someone younger than you. So as a safety precaution, I would go for older guys okeh thank you.

Guys like this:

the great Simon Posford, a.k.a. Hallucinogen, a.k.a. Younger Brother, a.k.a. one half of epic psybient duo Shpongle (okayyyyy he's not that old, but damnnnn he sure is gorgeous!)

Shpongle. No, Simon bukan yang sebelah kanan. Itu Raja Ram Rothfield. Yes dia sangat quirky, I love him, but not as much as I love Simon :P

Next one would be:

You know I am obsessed with this guy for months already. The father of lucid dreaming, Dr. Stephen LaBerge, Ph.D. He's a genius (he developed various techniques for lucid dreaming), a man well versed in the matters of consciousness. And he's a funny man as well :D

(side note: I love guys in academia. I wanna marry one someday. Perhaps my mentor, or my lecturer, or the director of the pharmaceutical company where I will be working at, ~~or the Dean of Pharmacy at Otago~~)

Another gorgeous older guy:

Neil Gaiman! Okay fine, he's married, his daughter is almost as old as I am, I know I know, but he's sweeeeeet! And he's such a dear father, I tell you. Go check out his journal.

And here's some other guys I fancy:

Gary Oldman. Well cough cough, I gotta be frank, he's only gorgeous in Dracula XPPPPP

Gerard Butler. Hey, don't ask me why I chose this picture :P

And last but not least:

Everybody loves the immortal Keanu! Neeeoooo! *bunyi panggil kucing Leana*

If you have to ask, yes, I took drugs today

Alice

thank you

2011-01-30T06:19:00.001-08:00

Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned.

Al Baqarah 2: 286

Alhamdulillah, semua dah settle. Allah Maha Penyayang, waktu sedang kebuntuan, Dia beri jalan keluar. Waktu sedang sempit dan sedih, Dia beri kawan yang baik dan sudi membantu.

So thank you Allah. And dear friend, thank you :).

three drives - greece 2000

2011-01-26T09:01:00.000-08:00

Discovered this from Global Underground 007: New York mixed by Paul Oakenfold. It's haunting me for days already. There's something addictive beneath the simple, repetitive trance melodies; something which brings me back to my younger days. Maybe it's the melodies: a lot of late 90s/early 2000s trance anthems have similar synth sounds. One thing for sure, this song reduced me to tears. And it doesn't even have a single fragment of lyrics.
Damn, I'm like an old woman reminiscing my 'earlier days'. But I love old-school dance music like this. In fact, I believe I am only inclined towards old-school dance music. Today's dance music has already been polluted by the likes of Guetta and his entourage of R&B/hip-hop/whateverheck 'artistes'.

Side note: guy in the video is hot!

aku sape nak komplen2

2011-01-24T19:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like leaving lolita until I graduate. Bukan apa, sejak aku minat lolita ni aku mempunyai ilusi yang aku 'cukup kaya' untuk beli baju-baju yang ratus-ratus tu (walaupun baju aku yang mencecah harga ratus hanya 2 - one Bodyline blouse and one Baby JSK, but still, you get my point). Disebabkan aku minat benda ni la aku sanggup melanggar rule Jangan Lebih RM50 tu. Dan disebabkan aku minat benda ni, minat aku terhadap fesyen2 lain makin lama makin accumulate, menyebabkan aku melakukan compulsive buying setiap kali pergi shopping complex. Tambah lagi dengan shoes addiction la, accessories addiction la hape la, memang banyak duit aku dah buang. Kalau mak bapak aku kaya takpe la, ini cukup-cukup je. Aku pulak shopping macam la bapak aku CEO syarikat. Agaknya kalau aku simpan duit dari awal, beli baju dan kasut setahun 2 kali, tak beli barang-barang lolita bagai tu, aku dah boleh simpan cukup duit untuk bayar yuran Toroa. Sekarang ni dah sempit baru nak mengomel salahkan JPA la, salahkan Otago la. Padahal memang salah aku sendiri. Yelah, salah sendiri sebab walaupun JPA tak bagitau awal-awal yang diorang memang tak bagi duit for that, aku patutnya aware yang study overseas ni memerlukan duit yang banyak. Memanglah aku ade save duit scholarship (target konon RM1000 satu sem- habuk la RM1000), tapi tu pun dah habis buat bayar deposit Toroa dah - maknanya sikit la savings aku. Reluctant2 beli barang pun tak boleh save duit eh, pelik betul. Benda2 style2 ni tak penting pun - orang lain tak stylish pun boleh je berjaya dalam hidup. Memanglah tak salah beli baju bergaya, tapi kalau dah tak sesuai dengan financial status sendiri itu dah jadik salah dude.

Sekarang ni kena sapu licin duit mak untuk bayar Toroa fees. Dah menyusahkan mak pulak. Duit tu dia nak guna beli rumah pulak tu. Haih. Nak pinjam sedara mara memang mintak maaf la. Nama je profesor la, pengarah hamendefirma la, hape la, tapi kedekut nak mampus. Memang betul, kalau kita susah dan memerlukan, takde sape pun nak pandang hatta sebelah mata sekalipun. Bila dah kaya semua nak ngaku sedara. Time tu aku akan tendang sorang-sorang sambil lemparkan kata-kata kesat. I long for that moment.

Sesiapa nak beli semua barang-barang lolita aku? Aku ada blouse Bodyline, JSK Baby n Bodyline, 2 pasang boots (hitam n putih), satu handmade JSK, bonnet Baby, beberapa altered offbrand JSK/OP, er... La sikit jugak barang lolita aku eh? Pelik.

kucing

2011-01-23T04:40:00.000-08:00

Beberapa hari lepas anak kucing jiran merangkap anak kucing angkat aku mati. Nama dia Putih, tapi dia sebenarnya tompok macam Buyou, tapi tompok dia warna kelabu biru-biru instead of hitam. Aku memang sayang dia sangat-sangat, sebab dia sekor je betina dan dia rupa macam Buyou. Masa dia lahir dia tak cukup bulan, so dia memang sangat frail la dibandingkan dengan abang dia si Kuning. Lagi malang masa dia umur dua minggu camtu dia accidentally kena pijak dengan bapak aku sebab masa tu bapak aku rushing nak hantar surat diskaun JPA kat aku yang sedang menunggu kat pejabat imigresen untuk buat pasport (aku memang amnesiac camtu). Aku memang nangis gila-gila la time tu n marah diri sendiri. Kalau aku balik sendiri ambik instead of tepon bapak aku sure dia tak kena pijak. Tapi Allah Maha Penyayang, walaupun kena pijak dia still lagi hidup, n membesar jadik anak kucing yang hiperaktif (tapi aku agak panik jugak la tengok dia tak minum susu langsung selama 2 hari lepas kena pijak tu). Masa umur sebulan dia suka tidur dengan aku, snuggle dalam toto aku pastu dalam pukul 3-4 pagi mula lari-lari panjat badan aku pastu ngiong-ngiong tak pasal-pasal (sebab diorang nokturnal kot).

adikku Putih

Bak kata mak aku, si Putih ni memang dirundung malang memanjang. Bulan lepas, dia termasuk dalam lubang jamban rumah kitorang. Walaupun dia ni kecik dan ringan (maybe sebab lahir tak cukup bulan kot) dia suka lari-lari tak tentu pasal, dan dijadikan cerita satu hari ni dia lari punya excited sampai termasuk bilik air dan subsequently tercebur dalam lubang jamban. Nasib baik adik aku perasan kalau tak mesti dia dah mati kesejukan dalam tu (masa tu midnight, pulaktu tengah hujan). Aku yang tengah tidur-tidur ayam terus terbangun. Adik aku dah siap mandikan dia dengan air sejuk pastu adik aku lagi sorang gi letak depan kipas angin nak keringkan dia. Punyela kesian betul. Aku nak marah pun tak sempat, aku terus peluk dia masuk dalam baju, lap badan dia sampai kering sambil keringkan dengan hair dryer. Memang menggigil gila dia time tu. Sekali lagi aku nak nangis. Well, tak boleh salahkan adik aku jugak sebab dia pun tengah panik time tu kot terus mandikan dia dengan air sejuk sebab nak jerang air tak sempat. Anyhoo, memang lepas insiden tu si Putih ni kerja bersin je macam aku.

Masa aku pergi Selangor for Southern Gathering last week, mak aku cakap sekali lagi adik Putih aku ni tercebur - this time dalam longkang yang dalam depan rumah. Aku tak tau la kenapa dia ni kerja tercebur aje, maybe sebab badan ringan mudah melayang (cakap pasal melayang, dia try beberapa kali terjun dari sofa rumah aku, tapi disebabkan melayang punya pasal dia termiss aim pastu terlanggar bucu meja. Aduh.). Memang si Putih ni susah sikit nak jaga sebab dia sangat frail tapi terlebih hiperaktif. Bila dah masuk longkang tu apa lagi, makin teruk la selesema dia. Aku nak bawak pergi jumpa government vet (mintak maaf, aku terpaksa berniat pergi gotv vet aje sebab duit aku serius dah habis for Toroa) tapi disebabkan aku tak tau kat mana klinik tu n bapak aku pulak memang tak nak bawak hence takde transport, niat aku tu ditangguh-tangguh. Si Putih pulah steady aje bersin dekat aku. One thing aku notice, dia jadik makin kurus.

Sampailah berapa hari lepas entah, aku notice dia tiba-tiba jadik sangat lemah. Aku letak dia dalam katil kucing yang bapak aku baru jumpa dari Singapore, dia duduk je situ diam-diam. Abang dia gigit nak rak pun dia buat dek aje. Tengok-tengok dia dah terberak dekat tepi katil kucing tu, muka dia lemah gila babas (which is bad sebab kucing-kucing ni tak pernah pun berak merata-rata; kalau diorang nak berak diorang pergi tempat berak diorang la). Aku bersihkan la semua pastu selimutkan dia. Pagi esoknya masa aku nak goreng kuih mak aku cakap dia kerja muntah aje all night. Aku bagi air kat dia, dia tak nak minum. Memang sedih sangat tengok condition dia time tu. Tapi aku nak rawat lebih-lebih pun tak sempat sebab aku kena goreng dan jual kuih, n mak aku pulak ade tempahan kuih lagi. So aku selimutkan dia lagi tebal-tebal, dan berdoa biar dia sembuh cepat. Aku memang bertekad nak hantar dia pergi vet hari tu jugak, tak kisah la kena bayar berapa pun.

Ditakdirkan Allah, aku kena rhinitis attack kaw-kaw punya pagi tu. Masa jual kuih pun aku melayang-layang rasa macam nak pitam, hidung kerja srot sret srot sret aje. Bila mak aku datang dia suruhla aku balik n tido kejap, kasi rehat dulu sebab rhinitis ni annoying kalau tak berehat dia tak nak hilang. Aku tengok si Putih elok lagi tido dalam katil kucing dia, tapi memang nampak sangat lemah la. Bila aku bangun balik, mak aku cakap dia dah selamat kembali ke rahmatullah. Aku on the spot nangis , masa mandi dalam bilik air aku almost meraung nangis, time makan pun nangis, lepas dua hari nangis lagi, tengok abang dia nangis lagi, nak tido nangis lagi. Memang sedih. Aku rasa menyesal sangat-sangat sebab tak bawak dia jumpa vet awal-awal. Sampai sekarang I sort of can't forgive myself because of that, tapi nak buat macam mana dah ajal dia. Kalau dia tak mati pun lagi kesian coz terseksa punya macam tu sekali.

RIP Putih

Takpelah, si Kuning ade lagi, I told myself. Sejak Putih mati aku memang sayang extra la kat si Kuning, sebab dia ni bijak pandai n bulu dia lawa sangat panjang dan lebat warna macam singa. Aku main-main guling-guling dengan dia, timang-timang dia. Aku peluk-peluk dia sambil nangis sebab bila pandang dia teringat Putih. Tengok dia main sorang-sorang memang sedih la sebab masa Putih ade lagi, dia suka buli budak tu even though Putih tu 2 kali ganda lagi kecik dari dia. Tapi somehow lepas Putih takde dia jadik terlebih ligat. Tak boleh stay indoor diam-diam, mesti nak keluar pastu main dengat mak, akak dengan bapak dia. So malam semalam disebabkan dia insist nak keluar jugak kitorang biar la dia keluar. Tak risau sangat sebab si Kuning ni cerdik, kalau dia merayau mana-mana dia mesti balik rumah jugak eventually. Bila dah midnight dia tak balik-balik jugak aku dengan meroyannya pergi keluar carik dia keliling blok dengan pakai kain batik. Nasib baik orang semua dah tido time tu, kalau diorang nampak aku sure diorang ingat aku ni meroyan. Mak dia ikut aku carik sekali (tau pulak ko concern ye kucing, masa anak ko ade lagi ko bukan nak jaga!). Carik punya carik tak jumpa, last-last aku buat conclusion yang dia maybe pergi tido rumah jiran aku. Tak terfikir pulak aku yang Kuning probably kena buang dengan wak indon pencacai celaka neighbourhood tu. Aku pun masuk rumah dan tido.

Hari ni aku bangun tengok Kuning still takde. Bapak aku pergi rumah jiran aku, diorang cakap Kuning takde kat situ. Sah kena buang. Indon celaka tu memang pantang jumpa kucing, dia mesti nak buang ke kampung sebelah, atas arahan Yang Teramat Mulia Abu Kassim and Family (landlord neighbourhood aku). Yes, aku tau undang-undang rumah ni kata tak boleh bela kucing atas sebab-sebab kebersihan, tapi kucing aku pandai berak dan kencing kat tempat dia (indoor so takdela mengotorkan taman-taman or persekitaran rumah yang diorang sanjung-sanjung ni) so f*ck off dude! Lagi satu kucing aku tu baru 2 bulan kot! Dia still menyusu, makan pun kena orang bagi. Bapak aku siap belikan dah Friskies satu bungkus besar nak bagi dia makan. Memang celakalah orang-orang yang menganiaya binatang ni. Aku tak faham kenapa ada orang dalam dunia ni yang benci kucing macam tu sekali. Semoga Allah membalas perbuatan diorang.

Kuning masa umur sebulan

Yes, aku masih menangis. Anak kucing aku seko mati, seko hilang. Ya Allah, peliharalah kucing aku Kuning, bagi dia petunjuk untuk balik rumah aku. Kalau tak balik semula pun biarlah dia hidup sempurna kat tempat baru dia, sentiasa dapat makanan. Wuwuwuwu, baru nak tengok Putih membesar jadik Buyou versi betina, n Kuning membesar jadik Kucing Iklan Friskies. Wuwuwuwuwu.

Sedihlah.

Alice

deep house fever

2011-01-22T10:12:00.000-08:00

From this week's Essential Selection (God I miss you Pete Tong). It's been a VERY long time since I last listen to a decent deep house song (ke aku yang malas carik?). Anyway, it's refreshing to listen to something new rather than shuffling through my small collection of very old skool dance music circa late 90's - early 2000's. If only Celcom Broadbad could be as fast as tonight every single day.

nak study kat new zealand? part 2 dan 3

2011-01-20T01:56:00.000-08:00

Sambungan previous post. Credits to seniors at Southern Gathering jugak, and seniors lain-lain, and fellow flymates :D

Part 2: Makan!

Sesiapa yang ambik catered halls sila enjoy makan makanan omputih yang sedap lagi halal ~~tapi nahaslah korang kena bayar lebih hahahahaha~~

Sesiapa yang ambik self-catered halls / dok luar sila belajar masak. Kurangkan makan kat luar sebab makan kat luar untuk seorang kosnya sama macam masak sendiri untuk 5 orang.

Tapi kalau nak jugak makan luar ada banyak pilihan yang halal (sila Google mengikut tempat anda). Makanan halal biasanya banyak kebab/makanan Pak Arab/masakan Asia, tapi kalau nak jugak makan makanan Melayu kat luar boleh pergi Restoran Cinta di Wellington.

Grocery shopping boleh dibuat di mana-mana market terdekat, e.g. Park n Save, New World, Countdown, to name a few. Banyak supermarket yang ada Asian Groceries section, bagi korang yang nak beli perencah-perencah apa-apa. Daging halal pun ada dijual di section khas di supermarket.

However, bagi barang-barang makanan lain seperti biskut, aiskrim, beverages etc, korang perlu berhati-hati dan baca ingredients sebab ada additives/ bahan kat dalam tu statusnya syubhah or haram sama sekali. Maklumat lanjut mengenai additives halal/haram/syubhah boleh didapati di sini dan sini

Jangan berangan nak makan McDon, Subway, KFC etc sebab fast food outlets sebegitu memang konfem serve daging tak halal dan minyak diorang berkemungkinan besar dari sumber binatang pink berekor gulung-gulung

kalau korang makan jugak yang ni tak dapek den nak nolong

Kalau ditakdirkan housemate korang pemakan binatang pink gulung-gulung di atas serta share kuali korang nak masak benda tu, korang tak payah carik air tanah etc nak sertu. Basuh je macam biasa. Tapi kalau was-was jugak baik korang jual je kuali tu kat dia, beli kuali lain.

Apa-apa hal pun kalau sedang lapar dan sengkek tahap kesian boleh ketuk pintu rumah senior mintak simpati. They love you so much, don't worry :D

Part 3: Ibadat

New Zealand, terutama sekali South Island, sangat sejuk. Summer diorang pun tahap Cameron Highlands je. Tap water pulak seko panas sangat seko lagi sejuk sangat. Hal ini mungkin menyukarkan korang untuk ambil wuduk selalu. Cara yang terbaik ialah preserve wuduk yang korang telah ambil selama yang boleh (cara preserve wuduk termasuklah kurangkan makan benda-benda yang boleh menghasilkan gas!). Dan bila nak ambil wuduk tu, kalau gila tak tahan sejuk memadailah basuh anggota wajib sahaja, once each, asalkan air diratakan seluruh anggota. Tapi kalau korang rajin nak campur air panas gila + sejuk gila sampai temperature jadik lukewarm untuk ambik wuduk ok je.

Anyhoo, tahukah anda kita sebagai orang Islam diberikan rukhsah yang pelbagai, termasuk dari segi mengambil wuduk? Untuk menyenangkan hal korang boleh niat khuf so that bila wuduk dah terbatal nanti korang tak payah cabut stokin + boots untuk basuh kaki. Arghhh berbelit aku nak explain, sila baca sini thank you

Satu benda yang perlu diingat, bila nak ambik wuduk korang tak boleh buat macam kat tandas Malaysia main splash splash air sampai kaki boleh naik masuk sinki (aku la tu buat). Silap hari bulan mau kena sembur dengan Kiwis sebab diorang benci tandas yang basah. So untuk mengelakkan perkara yang tidak diingini korang boleh bawak satu botol untuk kegunaan mengisi air mutlak. Dengan itu bila tiba time nak solat korang boleh ambik wuduk di mana-mana sahaja korang suka.

Air mutlak bukan setakat air paip. Kalau tengah jalan-jalan kat Rotorua boleh je korang nak main celup-celup air tasik untuk ambik wuduk (provided jangan macam itik jumpa air sudahla). Kalau korang join ski trip pun boleh guna salji untuk wuduk.

Di dalam keadaan serius takde air/tak boleh ambik air banyak-banyak e.g. dalam kapal terbang, korang boleh guna debu kat dinding untuk tayamum. Tapi make sure la dinding tu takde najis mutawassitah hitam putih.

Kelas start before Zohor dan berakhir lepas masuk waktu Asar? ~~Party start before Maghrib dan berakhir masa nak masuk Subuh?~~ Korang boleh jamak dude, no hal. Tapi jamak je la boleh, jamak qasar tak boleh sebab qasar2 ni khas untuk musafir.

Dalam kes-kes benda yang start before Zohor dan habis time Maghrib, gunakan kreativiti korang untuk mintak excuse keluar sekejap untuk solat. Ala, berapa minit je dude, hendak seribu daya dude.

Korang sure pernah jumpa gambar seniors yang solat di tempat-tempat random termasuklah parking lot kan? Asalkan tempat tu suci, the world is your ~~oyster~~ masjid. Sebelah meja time exam pun boleh solat kalau dah terdesak sangat. Jangan lupa bawak kompas kiblat / belajar cara tentukan arah kiblat.

Kita boleh ikut mana-mana mazhab Imam selagi tujuannya untuk menurut perintah Allah Taala. Yang penting jangan terlalu taksub dengan pegangan masing-masing sampai tahap mau bertumbuk dengan pengikut mazhab lain. Amalkan sikap hormat-menghormati, dan jangan sampai tak khusyuk pulak tengok minah Somalia sebelah korang solat lain macam.

Ha ambik ko huahahaha. Mana-mana yang korang rasa aku tertinggal boleh tolong tambahkan, mana yang silap boleh tolong betulkan. Nantikan part seterusnya mengenai miscellaneous items pulak! Chow!

nak study kat new zealand? edited version

2011-01-18T04:15:00.000-08:00

A collection of infos I obtained from Southern Gathering. Many thanks to the seniors from AUSIS for giving us valuable infos and guidances :D

ETA: Mintak maaf, info yang diberi di sini banyak misleading, so aku yang dah tiba Dunny ni edit sikit2. Maybe silap time ambik nota, or kekeliruan masa bual2 dengan senior etc. Sekali lagi, mintak maaf sekiranya entry ini menimbulkan kekeliruan. Dengan ini saya mempersembahkan the edited version!

Part 1: Benda-benda kena beli/bawak

~~Sesiapa yang guna OS/ Microsoft Office yang tak ori, sila beli yang ori before fly untuk mengelakkan complications kot-kot dia check.~~ Tak perlu pun, diorang tak cek. Tapi untuk meningkatkan keberkatan boleh je beli ori.

Bawak tudung, brooch, pakaian muslimah (blouse labuh ke, T-shirt panjang ke), handsocks, scarf, anak tudung Syria etc secukupnya dari Malaysia, buat bekalan. Kat sana susah nak dapat benda-benda macam ni, kalau ada pun mahal. <--- yang ni betul. Aku tak cukup tudung wuwuwu

Kalau nak, boleh bawak baju kurung 3-4 pasang kasi pakai dalam kelas bagi Mat Saleh jelly. Dan memandangkan kita konfem raya kat sana, bawak la baju raya barang sepasang dua, boleh bergambar masuk Salam Perantau kan.

~~For girls, pad beli banyak sikit kat sini. Unless korang nak pakai tampons kat sana (ade je pad kat sana, tapi tampons lagi berleluasa la. Pad kat sana tu kira taraf tampons kat sini la kot).~~ Tak perlu beli banyak-banyak dari Malaysia, buat berat luggage aje. Sini ada jual pad, kat convenience store pun ada. Bawaklah sebungkus aje just in case.

Disebabkan kat sana selalu hujan renyai-renyai, adalah dinasihatkan supaya anda membeli sweater kalis air. Nak bawak payung no hal, tapi kalau taraf payung Malaysia ni tahan sehari je la coz kat sana angin kuat dan Insya-Allah payung anda akan diterbalikkan dek wind force. Kalau insist jugak nak guna payung, beli kat sana (mahal gel tapi tahan lama) or bawak payung pasar tani yang gedabak tu. Tipu sini payung mahal. Aku dapat kat Kmart $1 je. Dan angin takdela se-horror yang disangka, orang sini pakai je payung macam kat Malaysia.

Untuk mengelakkan episod mengidam makanan Malaysia yang sedap lagi menjilat jari, sila bawak serbuk kari, rempah-rempah, perencah siap, asam keeping, asam jawa, cili boh, kiub pati ayam etc. Tapi make sure diorang dipacking dalam packaging yang ada list ingredients, kalau tak kena buang.

Sesiapa yang ada medical conditions yang memerlukan korang makan ubat regularly (coughrhinitiscough), bawaklah bekalan ubat sebanyak yang boleh. Tapi for prescription drugs yang agak bahaya e.g. codeine kena dapat pengesahan bertulis something from your doc la (cakap je kat doc tu pandai-pandai la dia). Benda-benda OTC macam Panadol tak payah. Cetirizine pun tak payah, buat kena gelak je dengan doktor.

Beli kasut siap-siap kat Malaysia sebab kat sana tak best dan mahal. Better beli kasut bertutup, preferably sneakers yang mempunyai cengkaman yang awesome sebab kat sana jalan selalu ada frost so boleh senang-senang ice skating kalau pakai kasut tapak haus. Dude, tak perlu. Kasut sini MURAH KOT. Beli sini aje. Nak lagi murah beli kat thrift shop. Boots harga RM70 boleh senang2 dapat $10 kat sini.

Cakap pasal tak best, stationeries seperti kertas kajang, kertas A4, pen etc pun better beli siap-siap kat sini. Mereka sangat mementingkan environment tak macam kita so kertas kat sana ialah kertas recycle yang kuning dan tak best. Beli la barang 450 helai punya set tu, kang bawak banyak-banyak terlebih kg. Pengajaran yang paling berguna: JANGAN BAWAK KERTAS A4 BANYAK-BANYAK DARI MALAYSIA. Buat penuh luggage aje. Kertas sini sama je dengan macam kat Malaysia. Aku siap jumpa test pad Made in Malaysia kot.

Sila bawak extension dari sini. Dan jangan lupa beli universal adaptor. Adaptor boleh didapati di mana-mana kedai/mall aksesori komputer seperti Low Yat, Landmark IT Mall, Digital Mall dan IT floor di Plaza Alam Sentral semurah RM8 sebijik (yang spesifik untuk Aussie/ NZ punya, tapi takde surge protector) atau RM14 sebijik (for universal punya, ada surge protector). Tak payah beli yang mahal-mahal, yang tu lagi prone rosak. Lagipun kalau rosak yang murah tu korang boleh beli baru dengan harga 2 dollar je kat sana.

Bawak eye mo, losyen kulit, lip balm etc. <--- Boleh dapat kat sini

Sesiapa pakai spek sila buat spek extra sebab spek kat sana mahal gila babas.

~~Sesiapa yang gigi berlubang tak cabut-cabut ~~macam aku~~ pun sila cabut siap-siap sebab rawatan gigi kat sana mahal dan insurans tak cover.~~ Insurans boleh cover, tak perlu risau. Bab cabut n tampal n wisdom tooth procedure boleh aje. Yang tak boleh kalau korang gedik-gedik buat cosmetic surgery tu je.

Bawaklah shower foam or syampu siap-siap dari sini (tapi takleh bawak banyak-banyak suka hati korang nanti tak lepas – sila cek nanti okeh). Kalau korang pakai pencuci muka Safi atau Shurah dan tak boleh pakai pencuci muka jenama lain pun boleh jugak beli bekalan siap-siap. Kat sana ada jenama international je la. Sini barang2 camtu murah, so tak payah bawak banyak-banyak. Kalau kat Malaysia St Ives mahal nak mampus, sini murah tahap gaban. Hair products jenama Schwarzkopf boleh dapat $4 je kot kat sini.

Sebagai kesimpulan, ingatlah rule of thumb ini: bawak benda yang korang rasa orang kat sini tak pakai je (e.g. barang muslimah, rempah ratus Malaysia). Tipu la orang sini tak pakai payung, kasut, shower foam, baju sejuk etc kan. Perlu juga diingat: JANGAN CONVERT CURRENCY!

philosophy of time travel

2011-01-04T10:01:00.000-08:00

Hi there. Went back from Shah Alam earlier today, for my Merit Certificate Ceremony something. Left JB yesterday with a crippling abdominal pain, and after a brief consultation with the doctor at Klinik Waqaf An-Nur (which is an awesome clinic, especially if you have financial difficulties), I was finally diagnosed with gastritis. Uh, well, I've been diagnosing myself with gastritis since forever, but yeah, never had any official diagnosis until now. So thanks to the crippling pain, I'm now on cimetidine and hyoscine butylbromide and finally, my hypochondriac self-diagnosis is certified to be true. So kids, if by any chance you're interested in self-harming to get attention whatsoever in your early teenage years, do not choose to starve yourself. Don't skip breakfast. And don't attempt to get overdosed on NSAIDs (uh, not that I've ever taken NSAIDs before - paracetamol is not anti-inflammatory - nor do I ever attempt to OD on any drugs, but you get my point). Pesanan penaja ini dibawa khas oleh Kementerian Kesihatan. Baca label sebelum menggunakan ubat.

Uh, where were we? Oh yeah, the Merit Cert thingie. Like I've mentioned in my previous posts, I was hoping for a merit, but definitely didn't expect two merits, especially when one of them is for the dreaded ESLS. Hell, I didn't even bother to check my grandma here kot! Thank Allah for that. Turns out I was among those People You Wouldn't Expect to Get Merit Whatsoever, i.e. not in the same category as Jeffrey and Hajar. Definitely not in the same category as Jeffrey. He whom the Director of INTEC knows personally, who have awesome people skills, who went around giving cards to every single AUSMAT lecturers, who have mesmerizing voice. Eh wait, I didn't mean to sound jealous or whatever la, I was just pointing out the obvious. Those who follow my Findings From My Anthology Studies series will understand that those who can connect with people better, and have superior interpersonal skills, will more likely be successful in whatever they're doing compared to their antisocial-ish peers. Individualism is a thing of the past, and since people are so engrossed with teamwork and stuffs like that nowadays, interpersonal skill is what you MUST have in order to survive. In other words, they didn't care about your natural tendency to be shy or among people, you have to shove your true personality aside and blend with the rest of the fake smiling crowd to climb the corporate ladder. I honestly think that while some people may be born with that natural charm, many people merely pretend to be 'friendly' for their own good. Doesn't matter if you don't like certain individuals, just wear that fake smile to portray that 'pleasant' imagery of yours, and people will start worshipping you in no time. No, this has nothing to do with Jeffrey at all. Just something I've been thinking for a very long time.

But then again, what you might refer as 'your default personality' may not even be default at all. Some people claim that it's in their blood, it can't be helped that they're not people friendly like the rest of their peers, that God has made them that way and there's no way to change it. Very few people realize that personalities are decided by our own self. We are the one who determine who we want to be, what sort of responsibility do we want to hold, our reasons to live in this world. To quote the philosophy professor in Waking Life: "... we should never simply write ourselves off or see each other as a victim of various forces. It's always our decision who we are." So I guess you could decide whether or not you want to be quiet, or talkative, or rebellious. What you are today may be determined by your actions and decisions in your earlier stage of life (I always thought that one of the reasons why I seem to be very very quiet is because I couldn't be bothered to connect with people back then when I was younger. This resulted in me refusing to make any effort to be friendly or learn vital social skills, hence making the the socially awkward person that I am today.) I guess you could even apply this to them "Saya Gay, Saya OK" people out there. You choose your own destiny and what you want to be peeps. Don't blame natural selection whatsoever in this case.

Wow, those are some seriously detached writings I've got there. I can never write a full book based from my dissertation later (what book? the "Fighting Rhinitis By Gene Therapy Which Is Absurd Because Histamines Are Part Of Our Defence Mechanism"?"Immunotoxicology For Dummies"?). Anyhoo, title is such because I've been highly interested in the theory of wormholes these days. Maybe it's influenced by Fringe, or John Connolly's The Gates, or Crichton's Sphere, or all those CERN- and quantum physics-related stuffs (and Goa stuffs - you would be amazed) I've been Googling for the past few weeks, but I do find them interesting. There's an infinite number of parallel ~~universe~~ multiverse, and by travelling through wormholes you might be able to travel to other bizarre places. Like the fifth dimension, or the universe where everybody still wear neon leotards and have bad mullets, or someplace where you can have Salviatrip just by breathing in air. The possibilities are endless. I would love to go back to the Rococo era, but that would be too clichéd for a lolita like me. Maybe that universe with Salvia-saturated atmosphere would be awesome. I would be happy to travel to that universe hahaha.

Thanks for reading by the way despite me being in my twisted mood

Alice

like any other blogs, a new year post

2011-01-02T05:45:00.001-08:00

2010 had been a wonderful year for me, a year of achievement. Ececeh, mukadimah gila poyo. But it's no doubt that 2010 had been better than my previous years, because

I celebrated my first year of no cutting
I passed my IELTS with my desired band
I passed my Otago interview
I became more active in lolita fashion, including managed to make my first handmade JSK
I managed to complete my internal assessments okayly (hahaha gila word)
I passed my SACE with flying colours, and got two merits in the process
I had reached my goal of getting lucid dreams once per week
I graduated from AUSMAT, the "toughest preparation program in INTEC"
I had awesome people as classmates and lecturers
I, uh, survived the year without falling for someone? XDDDD

Alhamdulillah, thank God for every bits of happiness that He gave me throughout the year. And thank God for every bits of uncomfortable moments as well, because they taught me something about life (like, recently I've learnt that it's always a bad thing to keep things from your acquaintances, especially benda2 yang ko tak puas hati. Baik cakap awal-awal daripada accumulate banyak-banyak di kemudian hari).

For 2011, although I'm not the one who makes (and keeps!) resolutions every time a new year arrives (my resolution for 2010, like the previous years starting from 2006, is to be more organised - I'm pretty sure I'm still a disorganised person by the time I'm writing this!), I thought it would be cool to list down my goals for 2011. After all, those who fail to plan, plan to fail right? Hahahahahahaha XD

So here goes nothing:

Alice's List of Things She Might Wouldn't Even Achieve Being A Pessimist That She Always Is

Stop being too pessimistic!
Be organised. Just organised, not "more organised" because I was never an organised person to start with
Reach 2nd year of being ~~sober~~ free from cutting. April is not long from now, go bebeh go!
Have at least two lucid dreams per week. By the end of the year, must have at least one lucid dream every alternate days.
Read more books, including deep philosophical stuffs. And physics stuffs, because I suck at physics.
Should I find any headshop at NZ, refrain self from buying LSD/peyote/Salvia/DMT (shoot, think I've found one)
Survive Health Science First Year with more than B. Get Dean's List or whatever (awwww Prof. Duffull~~)
Under the conditions in which I fail to pass HSFY with at least a B, beg JPA to allow me to take pharmacology
Survive first year at NZ with as little tears as possible. Aw shucks.
Make more lolita outfits. Assemble a hippie loli coord!
Reduce compulsive buying. Since 'stop compulsive buying' is too harsh, reducing em will do
Uhhh... socialize more?
Get Melty Chocolate replica
Update blogs moarrrr!!!!11!11!
No romantic relationships whatsoever. Exceptions only apply if I manage to find Raphael
Increase study hours. Less time online. Erk, contradict #14
Improve music making skills. Make more songs. Explore other sub-genres, like, uh, breakbeat?
Speak more English. Well, speak more in general. Resurrect ~~grandma~~ grammar
Stop pendam-pendam hahahahaha
Be less dependent and more independent
Be a better muslimah and be closer to God :D
The list goes on

Don't know if I will manage to achieve all of them though. Anyhoo, I do look forward to whatever in store for me this year. Marilah 2011!

By the way, thank you for following! (kes ~~dah~~ baru cecah 50+)

Alice

comic fiesta ohohoho

2010-12-28T19:52:00.000-08:00

(a rather short one I guess)

I went to my first Comic Fiesta last week, on December 19th. I've always thought that going to CF would be an impossibility because I'm living in JB and the event is during my holidays (so that I can't go there straight from my college in Shah Alam), but this year I had found a perfect excuse to fork out RM70++ worth of bus fare to go to Shah Alam/KL: I had to take my SACE result slip. And oh, I also needed to go to Putrajaya to get a new SKB coz the one I made via post was invalid (all because of one effing number! Civil servants bukan kena buat eye check ke before masuk kerja?). But good thing though, two excuses to cover my main agenda (laughs menacingly).

Anyhoo, one reason why I was so hyped up about going to CF this year was because I participated in the Malaysian Lolita Club's lolita runway. Yep, you heard me right, lolita runway. My only experience in modelling clothes would be during this one 3K carnival hosted by JPKCA last year (lol), but then, I modelled 'the proper attire for an INTEC student' and not full-blown lolita. To make things worse, I was the only Muslim lolita wearing hijab on the runway because Najwa was free-haired as always and Chark decided to wear a wig because a hijab won't suit her gothic coord very well. As for me, there's no way I'm going to expose my hair to public so there you go, a tudung-wearing loli on stage (dah tau camtu apasal join jugak hoh).

I was supposed to wear my handmade sweet JSK but decided not to do so because 1) Chark cancelled her plan to twin with me, 2) I don't have enough time to assemble a decent coord with the JSK, 3) I bet there would be too many sweet girls joining already and 4) I somehow don't want to wear my new hooker white boots (a full 4 inches I guess ) on stage lol. So I just went with a half-gothic, half-classic coord instead (I seriously don't have a clue how to pigeonhole this coord).

petti was made the previous night...sebab tu kembang gila babas

*buat gaya Leo DiCaprio jalan*

Outfit rundown time!

JSK: Bodyline

Blouse (a cream-coloured one): Offbrand lucky find

Jacket: Peace Collections (from my aristo coord)

Mini top hat: from My One Shop (the same hat from my aristo coord)

Boots: Offbrand, from Sungei Wang

Rose brooch: Handmade

Accessories: Random offbrand finds

Also, here's the link to the egl post, in which you could find snapshots of other lolis as well (and a derpy shot of mine)

Aaaand of course we have a video!

(if you can catch what that guy was saying when I was on stage I'll give you a free cookie)

group shot! *lost in the sea of burando*

After the runway show, we had a mini meetup outside the ballroom, where I met Aira and a bunch of other Muslim lolitas, as well as other MLC members who do not participate in the runway

group shot once again!

with Aira!

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful for me, apart from having my lunch with a new set of lolita friends, and meeting Top (pelik eh? I was supposed to give him that Pirate Latitudes, and he was supposed to give me my Lost Symbol but neither of us managed to bring them so yeah, we just, uh 'dated' the whole day). I guess going to CF no longer excite me as much as I would do two or three years ago (during the height of my anime obsessions... I'm way mellower nowadays). But still, it was fun joining the runway and meeting new friends, and changing my perception towards several people (don't ask!). Too bad we weren't able to have a proper meetup with the Muslim lolita girls that day. But yeah, meeting all of them is enough already, and I'm looking forward to joining the next MLC/Muslim lolita meetup. Perhaps one more before I fly to New Zealand? *hint hint*

Till next time!

Fatimah

the ocean also dreams (a song meme - Goa trance version!)

2010-12-24T03:24:00.002-08:00

Nobody tagged me, but I still feel like making one here. Lame meme is lame, but who cares? XD

RULES :

1.Put your music library on shuffle.

2.For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3.You must write that song title as the answer to the question, no matter how silly it sounds! Most of the time they seem to work though, strangely enough.

Ok, go!

1. If someone says, “Is this okay?” you say

Zero by Astral Projection

2. How would you describe yourself?

Kumba Mela by Cosmix & Etnica (what dude seriously?)

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?

One Blinding Illumination by Cosmosis

4. How do you feel today?

Gift of the Gods by Cosmosis

5. What is your life’s purpose?

Fluorostani Transcendance by Unconscious Collective

6. What's your motto?

Navras by Juno Reactor (awesome)

7. What do your friends think of you?

Reload by Deedrah

8. What do you think of your parents?

Maian Dream by Astral Projection (!)

9. What do you think about very often?

Radioactive Rain by Infected Mushroom (typical of me)

10. What is 2 + 2?

Mai Mai by Jaia

11. What do you think of your best friend(s)?

Astral Way by Etnica

12. What do you think of the person you like?

The Flame of Eternal Life by Chi-AD (gila awesome Raphael)

13. What is your life story?

Astral Warrior by Chi-AD (yeah!)

14. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Liquid Sun by Astral Projection (ha!)

15. What do you think of when you see the person you like?

Imagine if the World Was On Trip by X-Dream (oh yes, imagine....... )

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?

Spiritual Beings in Physical Bodies by Shakta (trance dance I reckon...)

17. What will they play at your funeral?

Dracul by Infected Mushroom (appropriate weh!)

18. What is your biggest fear?

The Prophecy by Astral Projection (Hari Kiamat kah?)

19. What is your biggest secret?

People Can Fly by Astral Projection (yes I can fly! In my lucid dream and in reality! XD)

20. What will you post this as?

The Ocean Also Dreams - Chi AD

Doesn't make sense, eh?

Alice

entry marah

2010-12-23T03:18:00.000-08:00

Aku nak buat pengumuman, sekarang ni aku dah tak kisah lagi kalau sesiapa nak tegur aku depan-depan. In fact, I prefer it to be that way. Especially bila melibatkan keadaan di mana aku kena menghadapi orang ramai. Just cakap straight to my face, I would appreciate it very much (provided cakap tu baik-baik la, jangan terus terkam serbu je). If you don't have the guts to tell me face to face pun, tak perlu la jeling-jeling or bisik-bisik belakang aku. Kalau benda tu memang betul kenapa takut? FYI, telinga aku telinga lintah and I can easily overhear conversations about me within a one-metre radius. So daripada aku find out cara macam tu lepas tu bermusuhan dengan kau selama tujuh keturunan baik kau cakap depan-depan. Ini tak ada kena mengena dengan budak INTEC.
Boleh tak lelaki loser jangan kacau hidup aku lagi? Which part of "I'm not interested in romantic relationship with guys" don't you understand? No, of course aku bukan lesbian walaupun aku ada fiancée bernama Nurul Izzati, tapi aku ada sebab kenapa aku tak nak terikat dengan apa jenis romantic relationship pun dengan mana-mana lelaki especially them loser despo types. Nak tau sebab apa? Aku geli geleman! (ini cue untuk tak tanya further questions) Having said that, please stop any attempt to usha/tackle/etc dengan menggunakan terms of endearment, kalau dah stranger* tu buat cara stranger. [Ex] Boyfriend aku pun aku tak bagi guna perkataan macam tu apatah lagi kau yang entah sapa-sapa.
Duuuuuuude. Orang Melayu kalau kerja dengki-dengki aje bila nak maju duuuuuude. Kalau mak aku nak buat nasi lemak untuk cover ketiadaan nasi lemak kau sebab kau pemalas nak berniaga kerja ponteng aje so what duuuuude? Bukannya the next day orang terus tak nak beli nasi lemak kau pun dude! Kalau orang tak nak beli pun bukan salah mak aku dude, salah kau jugak masak cincai-cincai tapi naikkan harga macam kau masak guna petrol RON 97! Bila aku komplen kau kata harga barang naik. Dude, kau masak nasi lemak guna gula 3 kampit sehari ke dude?
Last but not least, I despise red tape, but it seems like the world goes round because of it. Nasib baik SKB aku diperbetulkan dalam masa 10 minit je, kalau tak dengan Julian Assange sekali aku sembur walaupun kurang berkaitan tapi ada jugak kaitan.

Bersyukurlah dilahirkan sebagai perempuan because you'll always have hormones to be blamed

Alice

*stranger: everybody outside your basic family member. Bergantung kepada keadaan, suami boleh jadi stranger jugak, and so does your BFF for 6 years

the bittersweet SACE result

2010-12-17T06:36:00.000-08:00

what I actually wrote and kept as a draft the day before I got my result:

"Let me tell you something. It's not in my nature to reveal my target on anything (unless if it's obvious - like SPM, ofkos la aku KENA dapat 10 A1 yaww). But this time I felt compelled to do so because, uh, I don't know.

ATAR at least 94

All A's - INCLUDING Maths. Impossible? Who cares!!

At least 1 merit - I'm hoping it's Chemistry.

Of course I'll be content with ATAR Cukup-cukup Sembilan Puluh Dua as long as I get to go to Otago, but I'm determined. It makes me cry to think that I have been anything but excellent during my college years (as compared to me during my school years), so I really hope that things will be changed this time. I painfully realized that I didn't put much effort in AUSMAT (read: tido, internet berjam-jam, study bila nak exam aje), but who knows what God has in store for me, right?"

16th of December was D-day. I was up at 5.30 am for sahur when I received messages from my friends asking me how did I do in SACE. Naturally, I, being the person who finds it difficult to face the reality, resumed my slumber instead of going online to check the result. When I finally woke up for good, it was time to goreng kuih and it was 9 am when I finally got the opportunity to turn on the computer and log on to www.sace.sa.edu.au to check my results.

I cried when I saw what's displayed in front of the computer screen.

Alhamdulillah, I managed to achieve my every target, even getting an A for Maths! I couldn't describe how shocked I was. Shocked, really, because I only targeted for ATAR 94, but God gave me way more than that. Shocked, because I knew that my dream of getting straight A's would only remain a dream with Maths blocking my way, but God finally granted my wish. Shocked, because all the talk of getting a merit would not fit an extremely lazy person that I am, but God gave me the opportunity to achieve what I thought couldn't be achieved. For that, I am extremely grateful. Thank you Allah.

Of course, deep in my heart, I felt like I didn't deserve it. I have to admit, my efforts are very minuscule compared to other people. I was never the one who could study round the clock, harnessing every single materials I could get my hands on. I tried that, but I couldn't. My mind was so accustomed to the laid-back method that I've been using since my school days that when I finally pushed it to work harder to cope with AUSMAT's gruesome schedule and expectations, all systems began to overload. Or something close to that. Back in my school days, I kept stressing over the fact that I couldn't be half as hardworking as most people in my class, leading to several cutting sessions (because of the whole goddamn inferiority complex thingie lol). That was until a friend said to me "dude, kau ada cara sendiri, diorang ada cara sendiri. kau ada kelebihan dalam part lain, diorang ada kelebihan dalam part lain. so just go with your own method!" (quote telah diparaphrase).

So in order to achieve my mission to reach my first anniversary of being free from cutting, I took my friend's advice and study at my own pace. Although it is indeed fatal for my academic achievement (please refer to previous posts under the label 'AUSMAT'), it's better than adding another scar on my hand by doing things I'm not fond of. Of course it's a very bad feeling, especially when considering the fact that I did much better at school than I did in AUSMAT, but after a year and a half, I had become calloused already. I just leave it to God, let He determine what's best for me. I would be grateful enough if He gave me something which befits my efforts for one year and a half, like, say, ATAR Cukup-cukup Sembilan Puluh Dua (or less than that, I think). But if He wants to give me more, I would be more than elated.

At the end of the day, I believe it's about doing things your own way, praying and tawakkal. "Your own way" may mean staying up until 3 am to study, camping at the study room/library, or playing DotA while browsing through your Specialist Mathematics notes; it basically depends on which method you are comfortable with (I know I'm not comfortable with camping at the library lol). Just because others have their own study ritual doesn't mean you have to follow them bulat-bulat (well, of course you can if you want AND if you have the capability though). At the same time, "I can't do this bawww" should not be an excuse for you not to do anything either. Dude, who am I to say this anyway hahahahaha.

This post is unrelated to anything or anybody. Just feel like writing because I can.

Alice

p/s: Berbaktilah kepada haiwan nescaya haiwan akan mendoakan kemurahan rezeki kita

p/p/s: Remember the elevator dream? Apparently my dream deciphering is correct!

permata hijrah? permata sadomasochism lah!

2010-12-15T03:04:00.000-08:00

Today mom brought me to Permata Hijrah for my 'sinusitis treatment'. Despite me convincing everybody that my disease is allergic rhinitis and not resdung, mom said that Permata Hijrah's method is worth trying no matter what histamines/virus/bacteria/creatures you are breeding in your sinus, so yeah, she's bringing me there. As a future pharmacist who spends her day flipping through MIMS Annual and Googles like hell whenever she receives a rather new medicine, Alice here is a bit skeptical about this whole Permata Hijrah thingie. Yeah, I gotta admit, the treatment method is rather attractive (according to mom and what I saw on TV, the treatment involves them 'vacuuming' out how many litres of mucus you have in your nasal cavity. Not really vacuuming though, but at the end of the treatment you're supposed to be free of mucus or something), but I don't see how a disease associated with faulty histamines can be cured by vacuuming out mucus. But yeah, worth trying. Kalau tak usaha macamana nak senang kan *shrugs*

So I went there, feeling a bit nervous. I haven't done my homework on that particular thing so I don't have any clue on how it will work, or what method they will use in order to purge out mucus from my nose. It may be very painful. Last thing I want is to feel intense pain today, dah la esok nak dapat result ngaummm. After the registration and whatnots, I was brought into the treatment room by one akak.

First thing she asked me to do is to shove two cotton buds soaked with Ubat Telinga Whatsoever into my ear canal as deep as I could. Paranoia #01: I am afraid of putting things into my ears that deep. Gila kau! Aku tau la guna cotton buds, tapi eardrum aku sensitif tau! Besides, it's painful! Turns out it was painful, but in a weird way. My ear canal, which I thought was full of wax or something, gave way to the cotton buds easily. And then, they move on their own. In and out, in and out. Now I have two cotton buds raping my ears! It was terrifying I almost cried! Haha, a bit exaggerating there, but yeah, I almost cried. And I haven't gone to the actual treatment part yet! Damn my low pain threshold.

Note: I didn't ask them, but I'm assuming that the ear raping treatment is necessary because sinusitis is an ENT disease, so of course you need to treat your ears as well. Though in this case, they could at least ask me "ada sakit telinga, nanah kat telinga, etc tak?" before doing so.

After asking me whether I hear any sound in my ear (me: of course I heard something. I hear them cotton buds raping my ears! akak: 30% ada resdung), she proceeded to the actual resdung treatment. She made me inhale some kind of herbal powder, which stung like hell, and told me "Kalau nak bersin, bersinlah". It took me a while to sneeze, which was of course torturous - you know the feeling when you're about to sneeze but in the end nothing came out? Imagine feeling that for 3 minutes. And when I finally sneezed, it was a total of 12 or so sneezes. Awesome. At this point, I was beginning to feel a bit suspicious. What I felt after inhaling the powder (non-stop sneezing, mucus overflow) was similar to the events in which my histamines were beginning to work overtime. Like I inhaled a big chunk of allergen!

As soon as she realized that I'm drowning in my own mucus, she began massaging my face to let them mucus out. And hell, what a lot of mucus I have!

Here's a picture to let you understand further. Sorry for its gross factor. You should see mine.

At first I was pleased with the result, though a bit tak puas hati because I felt like all the mucus came from my allergic reaction with the 'herbal powder'. When you're practically drowning in your own nasal secretions during a severe histamine attack, you will feel overly grateful looking at the long trails of mucus coming out of your own nose. Of course, I have high hopes that this particular treatment will eventually make me mucus-free (although part of me tells me that it's impossible - you don't have a reservoir of mucus inside your nasal cavity, they are secreted by my frickin mucous membrane and an overflow will only occur if histamines are in action!). Several nose-blowing moments later, I knew I was wrong.

I had a total of four painful rounds of mucus expelling. Okay the first round involved her massaging my sinus area to expel mucus, so that's not really painful. But when she began inserting two cotton buds dipped in the above herbal powder into my nasal cavity, I felt like getting up and shove them herbal whatsoever shites into her nasal cavity. GILA PERIIITTTT!!!! Just imagine having someone inserting cotton buds laden with paprika up your nose as deep as they could get. It's that bad, I swear. I fought the urge to slap her and run out of the room, and endured the treatment with clenched teeth and fists. I looked at mom with tears-filled eyes that screamed "PLEASE MOM MAKE HER STOP!" but she just nodded apologetically. Done with the first round of gruesome facial massage, she asked me to blow my nose as hard as I could to expel the remaining mucus in my nose. As hard as I could meaning I have to blow until my blood vessels were about to rupture (I silently hoped they would so that I could sue Permata Hijrah or something). She asked me afterwards, "Rasa tersumbat lagi tak?" Of course I had to say yes, because apparently after all those mucus expelling and blood vessel bursting there are still loads of mucus in my nose because THE HISTAMINES TRIGGERED THE CONSTANT PRODUCTION OF MUCUS FROM MY NOSE DAMMIT! I thought that she would proceed with a different treatment method, but as soon as I saw her holding two more cotton buds I knew I would be tortured yet again. And the cycle continued for two more rounds. Good thing she didn't use the dreaded herbal powder for the third and fourth round (she used some 'ubat resdung' liquid which feels quite minty), but still, the pain was still unbearable because she once again shoved them cotton buds deep into my nostrils. After everything was done, she asked me the dreaded question again, "Rasa tersumbat lagi tak?" This time I had to say no. I don't care if my mom paid RM50 for this utterly unscientific and nonclinical treatment, I want you to stop this shite and get me out of here!!!

So I went out of the treatment room teary-eyed. The akak told my mom that I have loads of mucus in my nasal cavity, and recommended her to buy me a bottle of herbal capsules worth RM100+ to 'cure my resdung' because apparently the capsules can 'cure resdung altogether from the roots, not just eliminate the symptoms'. Mom said she did not bring extra money with her, so the akak told her to at least buy a different kind of herbal capsules to 'alleviate my symptoms of resdung', which costed RM25. Determined to make me feel better, she said yes, and she paid a total of RM75 for the treatment and the capsules. Before we left, the akak and her colleague at the registration counter asked me how old I am and what I'm currently studying. With my renowned acid face, I told them that I'll be going to NZ to study PHARMACY and find cure for my RHINITIS. With that, I left the premise.

Look, I'm not trying to be ungrateful over what mom had done to alleviate my daily sufferings, I just felt cheated. Not mom's fault in any way, it's the people at PH who should be blamed. I mean, it's okay if you want to introduce alternative healing methods to cure sickness which could not be cured by modern medicine, but to do so by assuming that all diseases involving the nose is resdung is just, uh. FYI, after the treatment I Googled like hell about other people's reactions on the PH resdung treatment. Amidst the tons of "aku tengok video orang buat rawatan resdung keluar ulat resdung" (which is bullshit if you ask me), people did not complain much on the treatment. But then again, maybe they do have resdung in its entirety (and not rhinitis like I have here), or even if they also have rhinitis, they do not know much about the nature of the disease. I'm yet to find a proper MD who writes about this particular resdung treatment. Maybe I should ask my doctor about this.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but at this moment I'm still having the worst bout of rhinitis attack in my life. Either way, I'm so not going back to do my second treatment, I'll just stick to my kidney-destroying cetirizine HCl thank you.

inb4 sokong produk kafir tak sokong produk Islamik Bumiputera

Alice

p/s: akak tu cakap aku kena pantang makan, tak boleh makan makanan bergoreng, seafood, AIS (gila kau pantang ais JB ni panas kot!). Dalam hati aku cakap to hell with pantang, aku allergik habuk la bebeh

december loliday 2010 / sewing project completed!

2010-12-07T05:35:00.000-08:00

Last 4th of December was the International Lolita Day. Since I can't find myself a proper lolita friend who lives in JB (come on, that would be impossible. I don't even have a proper friend in JB, let alone a lolita one), I celebrated it alone like my previous Lolidays. Only, instead of wandering around City Square aimlessly in hope to find a random fellow lolita or two, I went to Danga Bay to celebrate it. Wait, that's not entirely true. I celebrated Loliday at Danga Bay a day after Loliday because like last year's one, Mom had enormous kuih orders to be made that day and I can't just leave her to do them alone without lending a hand or two really. I was paid after all yaww XD.

But I did manage to wear lolita on Loliday, despite me needing to do my medical checkup for that NZ student visa. Annoyed the clinic assistants like hell with my layers of clothes. Also managed to drop by Persada for a while to check out the PC Expo there (didn't buy anything, too skint already) and went to City Square in search for a fellow loli freak. Sheesh, looks like City Square should be my official Loliday venue after all. Padahal bukan ada apa-apa pun kat situ lol.

Anyhoo, like my previous Lolidays, I would set myself a special Loliday sewing project. First it was the black OP surgery, then it's the epic JSK recon project. This Loliday, however, I wanted to upgrade my sewing skills and decided to make a JSK from scratch, completely hand-sewn. Yup, that's right, completely hand-sewn, no machines whatsoever, just thread and needles and rulers (and a bunch of pro seamstress friends XD). Of course, I didn't believe I can complete it in two weeks' time either, but somehow I did. And here's the result:

Hand-sewing a JSK is not an impossibility XD

Bodice. Seriously I had a difficult time making it because I didn't have any clue on how to make a bodice. But thanks to Chark, I managed :D

I actually wanted to include a bib on the JSK, but since I'm hand-sewing everything (hence I can't make any freakin pintucks - that would be disastrous) I cancelled the plan and made an over-easy JSK instead. Don't have much time dude *shrugs*

Wearing my new JSK, I headed to Danga Bay, hoping that the lovely Rose Garden Cafe at Festive Street Mall still exists. To my utter disappointment, the whole Festive Street Mall had ceased to be an abandoned building. The hell?? Last time I went there everything were still in place! (That was a year ago though) Since I no longer have a proper place to have my Loliday tea party, I decided to walk around aimlessly around the area and enjoy the late afternoon scenery.

Don't you just wish it was sunset/moonrise? - Goa trance freak Alice

Since it was weekend, people started visiting the amusement park (or whatever) much earlier than usual. Already at 4 pm, the grand carousel was up and running, with several little girls riding the lovely little horses accompanied by their mothers. How I wish I could take a ride on the carousel as well, it's so damn beautiful. But uh, enough with me walking around wearing a dress which looked like it was designed to be worn by a five-year-old girl - I totally didn't want to appear too adult baby-ish to the people by riding the carousel. Of course I was heartbroken - carousels are so rori, and things would be different if I'm not alone, but, yeah *sigh*

Grand carousel

Y'know, it's a shame I didn't manage to take a pic of me anywhere near the carousel. Next Loliday I demand people with DSLR to take my pic here. Wait, I don't want my next Loliday to be in Malaysia. Wellington sounds nice.

Here's my coord for the day. Chopped legs awesomeness.

I can't smile. My petti is dead. And if you're wondering, I was listening to Chi-A.D. Cannot take off headphones.

After I was quite satisfied with my walk around aimlessly session, it was time to go home. But I was still disappointed with not being able to have my afternoon tea at Rose Garden Cafe, so I went to Secret Recipe at Perling Mall and had my customary Loliday cake (only, this time it was once again a brownie - I can no longer eat a full slice of Secret Recipe cake alone. Muak doh!)

yang ni pun tak habis

I think I kinda enjoyed this year's Loliday more than the previous ones - probably due to the fact that I have successfully finished my first hand-sewn JSK , or probably because this could be my last Loliday here (please let it be! please let it be! Amin!! <--- results will be out this week). I honestly feel that I have learned a lot about Lolita since last year's December Loliday, and I hope to be a much better lolita than I am now after this. Next Loliday mission: get Melty Chocolate!

Wishing you a VERY UTTERLY belated International Lolita Day,

Alice

a muslim lolita's dilemma

2010-11-30T07:46:00.000-08:00

*thought I might want to write something about this. It's been long since the Muslim Lolita blog is updated*

In my humble opinion, lolita fashion could work with the Muslim clothing guidelines, as lolita is a very modest fashion. I said 'could work' because there are some outfits that are deemed unsuitable to be worn by a Muslimah, as they might be too form-fitting (thus defeating the purpose of covering the aurat) or having inaproppriate motifs (crosses - like most of Moitie's dresses *sigh*. Some stricter Muslims also do not approve of animal motifs in clothings, especially dog motifs. But I do think that IW's Puppy collections are very adorable though). Apart from that, I don't think there are any problems regarding wearing lolita as a Muslimah. You can wear a long-sleeved blouse with a normal JSK (you can opt for a cardigan if you think the JSK is too form-fitting), and wear a cute matching hijab, and maybe a little bow on your hijab to lolify it further. One thing though.

What the hell am I going to do with my legs????

Here's the dilemma. You see, other lolitas will choose either to wear a pair of OTK socks, knee-high socks or tights (or even ankle socks if you prefer) before slipping into their favourite tea parties or RHS or mary janes. As a Muslimah, while OTK socks and their counterparts may seem to cover them legs enough to warrant them as Muslimah attire-friendly, they have one problem - they show the shape of your legs. And that's a no-no, because you are still deemed as not covering your aurat.

covers your skin all right, but the shape still shows, love.

So for about 3 years, I wore lolita with dress pants or slacks to complete the Muslimah look. For 3 years also, I refused to show my lolita coords to public (aside to a number of people who I'm positive do not have any inkling on lolita fashion). You see, the lolita community generally disprove of pants in coords (other than the obvious dandy/ouji/kodona...but those are not lolita really). I've seen one post on egl a few years back, and from what I saw these people are less forgiving when it comes to pants in lolita. Maybe you could say that pants + skirt combination generally looks off and impractical (although more people are starting to adopt the dress + pants combo in their casual coords nowadays...in my country at least). Still, I do not have any choice other than wearing pants with my lolita dresses (people have suggested tight jeans or leggings, but those definitely defeat the purpose of covering up the aurat, no doubt), so I just went on with that. Most of the times, I dare not label my coord as lolita (this was before the emergence of the Muslim Lolita group).

NOT LOLITA YO

Even when I reveal my coords for the world to see, I'll make sure that the legs part are carefully cropped so as to avoid revealing any glimpse of pants (or socks for indoor shoots)

EEP! What are those two cylinder-like things under my JSK???

After months of lurking on egl, I suddenly discovered something awesome. A fellow Muslim Lolita, Noor Al-Kattan (sugar_noor on daily_lolita... she's the icon of Muslim Lolita really ^^) posted a lolita coord on d_l, and instead of pants, she wore boots!

I've been pondering over the idea wearing boots to cover up my legs really. You see, unlike OTK socks or tights, some boots are loose enough and do not show the shape of the legs. Perfectly OK for a Muslimah.

Awesomeness

While this certainly excites me (yay for showing full coords to the world!), I have another problem: lolita boots are expensive and cheapskate me can't afford them. BAWWW!

But that didn't stop me. Why baww over expensive lolita boots when you can buy normal boots and lolify them? But then, boots are expensive on their own (read: more expensive than shoes) and I can only spend RM50 over a single item (major lol). Still, I scoured Times Square and Sungei Wang, hoping to find a nice loliable lace up knee-high boots which are not too form-fitting in either black or white - preferably white - which cost less than RM50. Gila impossible! But thank God, somehow I found one (although not in white)!

All hail awesomeboot (ignore smudged background...don't even bother to guess)

Personally I think the boots suit certain lolita styles well (gothic and classic: maybe, pirate: of course!). Too bad I can't find a sweeter white coloured boots - I prefer white because my current wardrobe mainly consists of sweeter dresses. But I was very grateful to find this one really. Finally, something to wear with my new Bodyline JSK!

sorry them boots are far from visible in this coord pic XP

My next mission would be finding an appropriate white boots (hopefully under RM50 also). I heard that Danga Festive Street Mall has a couple of shops selling damn cheap boots (kes tak laku). I need a pair for the Malaysian Lolita Club's fashion runway - planning to wear my handmade Children's Tea Party JSK (from this "project registration") and twin with Chark on that day. If you find any please do tell me! :D :D

Boots are a Muslim Lolita's best friend XD

Alice

lucid dreaming (and dreaming in general)

2010-11-29T06:18:00.000-08:00

(yes, because this is very lucid dream-ish. 'Sides, it's Goa. *ends argument*)

It's very weird, you see, to know that I haven't blogged about this (properly, at least) despite being a self-confessed hippie (yeah, turns out that I'm morphing into a full-blown hippie with a penchant for everything New Agey - even Neotantra! - thanks to my immense love towards Goa trance). I can't really label myself as a regular lucid dreamer, because I rarely have lucid dreams even though I practically sleep 12 hours per day. But I do have vivid dreams every time I sleep, resulting in either oversleeping or intense sluggishness while frying curry puffs (obstructive sleep apnoea perhaps - Hypochondriac Alice). And mind you, I can remember every single dream that I had, without needing to learn dream recalling techniques. So I guess I'm almost there?

As far as I can remember, I only had around 4 lucid dreams after discovering about it. I may had more when I was little (e.g. reality check when dreaming about going to the toilet to make sure I don't wet the bed lol), but those didn't count because I didn't know anything about lucid dreaming at that time. My latest lucid dream was about me going to Bukit Putus, Kuala Pilah, stopping by a small house and meeting my ex-schoolmates. Unfortunately, as soon as I deduced that I was dreaming, know what I did? Instead of flying, I opened my eyes! Utter disappointment.

Lately, I keep having dreams involving me reaching high places (riding an escalator from ground level to the 3rd level without going through the 2nd level, or, oddly, climbing ropes in a shopping mall), only to inadvertently fall back to where I started. It was both frightening and wonderful - frightening because everything was so vivid, it can almost pass off as a real life 10-metre plunge downwards; wonderful because everything was so vivid, you could even feel the adrenaline rush. Good thing though, each time I fall, I managed to bring it to a halt, allowing me to rise up again. Woah, talk about metaphor (at the peak of my academic excellence at school, falling miserably during AUSMAT, passing SACE with ~~TER~~ ATAR 94? Hope so! Amin!). It's kinda freaky, because I never had any themes in my dreams before (aside from the usual 'going to familiar places altered beyond recognition' - I have those every night), unlike my housie Leana who has running dreams since forever. But yeah, now that I have familiarized myself with the escalator dreams, I'm determined to make it lucid. Next time I have one of those I'll be flying instead of falling yo!

Talking about making lucid dreams, it seems like my hypothesis is correct - I cannot lucid dream with aids, be it binaural beats or isochronic tones or hallucinogens (I-Doser version of course) or even somnacin (lol!). I listened to lucid dreaming isochronic tones twice, then tried astral projection tones, then OOBE. Nothing. Don't get me started on I-Doser. Even in complete darkness, pure silence, with my bro's AVF HM900 headphones, I didn't get anything noticeable (but somehow, I did experience the feeling of being sucked deeper into my body while listening to the Trip dose). Right now I'm in the midst of trying the lucid dreaming induction techniques devised by the Lucidity Institute. It may or may not succeed, but I'm determined to make it happen. My goal is to have at least one lucid dream per week, although having more than four dreams in one night like my man Stephen LaBerge would be most awesome.

I love this guy. He's the best ever, like Prof. Stephen Duffull. It would be very awesome to be his student, no? :D

So yeah, I believe that with enough practice, I will reach that level. It's not that difficult, isn't it?After all, Top also lucid dreams, so I don't see how I, a person fifty times more Goa than him, can't do the same. I have plenty of time to practice this holiday, hope I'll get there before January (haha, aim for the moon baby! Like ATAR 94!). In the meantime, are there any of you lucid dreamers out there who would be kind enough to share a couple of tips with me? I would most appreciate it :D

When you dream there are no rules. People can fly. Anything can happen.

Alice

old flame?

2010-11-25T05:30:00.000-08:00

Hari ni aku dapat missed call misteri dari sape entah aku pun tak tau. Dia call nombor aku yang lama. Disebabkan nombor lama tu aku selalu guna untuk urusan-urusan rasmi, aku pun cuak la takut-takut Tunku Sofiah Larasih ke telefon aku (contoh...mane la tau permohonan aku untuk claim balik deposit Toroa College diluluskan ke kan), so aku call la balik. Orang tersebut angkat. Berikut merupakan transkrip perbualan aku dengan orang tersebut.

Aku: H-hello, saya Fatimah, tadi ada telefon nombor ni ke? (nada sungguh formal tapi tergagap-gagap because I suck at verbal conversations)

Orang: Huh? <--- okey sah bukan pegawai mana-mana

Aku: Er, ni nombor sape yek?

Orang: Hai, saya Saiful, dari KEMPAS.

Gila sial! KEMPAS yang dah lama gila aku shove jauh-jauh dari memori aku kot (ada peristiwa buruk berkaitan dengan tu). Apahal makhluk ni call aku pulak, lepas 4 tahun kot baru nak contact.

And, sejak bila la pulak ada budak nama Saiful dari KEMPAS ni? Saiful PKTR aku tau la, sebab aku love him so strong (inside joke). Ke aku yang lupa?

(FYI, KEMPAS tu ialah Kem Pendidikan Alam Semulajadi 2007 peringkat kebangsaan. Aku, Linda ngan Amirah Samsuri (A-Level) pergi jadik wakil negeri time tu, menang second place. Kat situ aku jumpa S*****)

By the way, sambung conversation.

Aku: KEMPAS? KEMPAS 4 tahun lepas tu? Biar betul kau. Mana dapat nombor ni?

Orang: Mana dapat tu tak penting, yang penting saya nak kawan dengan awak. Saya suka sangat tengok awak. Boleh kita berkawan?

Kau tau tak, aku cukup anti betul bila makhluk spesies Homo sapiens kromosom XY dah mula keluarkan ayat "boleh kita berkawan" dan sewaktu dengannya ni. Kau nak kawan, kawan je la tak perlu bagi ayat bunga-bunga. Biasa kalau makhluk XY ni bagi ayat macam tu mesti dia ada intention lain, as in carik awek. Bukan niat aku untuk jadik sombong ke apa, tapi aku lagi prefer if you cut the clichéd words short and say things like "Hey, I heard you like Goa trance. Menarik gila, biasanya girls dengar lagu Justin Bieber (contoh). Saya suka heavy metal, tapi ada jugak lagu Goa trance yang saya suka. Filteria sangat bagus".

(sekadar selingan. Apparently ramai heavy metal fans suka lagu ni sebab ia SANGAT AWESOME!)

Dan satu lagi, what's with that "Saya suka sangat tengok awak" tu? Boleh kau ingat pulak muka aku macamana lepas dah 4 tahun? Kalau benda ni betul la, aku memang salute habis. Dahlah tak pernah contact, tiba-tiba stalk cakap "saya suka sangat tengok awak". Creepy. Part ni dah mula menimbulkan syak wasangka aku.

ALSO, weh apekahhhhh??? Perkataan yang aku paling anti! Mana dapat nombor? "Itu tak penting...". GAHHHH boleh tak bagitau terus? Kau mintak dari adik aku ke, dari Linda ke, kau google nama aku keluar nombor aku ke. Sebab aku tak bagi nombor aku kat strangers okeh mestilah aku kena tau sebab aku panik. Kalau nak kata dapat dari buku program KEMPAS, aku punya nombor tu tak wujud lagi masa zaman KEMPAS kot. Aku beli lepas kem tu sebab nak tepon S***** lama-lama (kantoi).

Cakap pasal S*****, aku tiba-tiba dapat realization. Wait, budak ni kata dia budak KEMPAS, siapa la pulak yang tau pasal KEMPAS ni kan. Dia dapat nombor yang memang aku tak bagi kat budak KEMPAS yang lain except S***** dan schoolmates dia.

Ni mesti makhluk S***** menyamar ni! Suara pun macam sama! Hoh! (Linda ade kata dia nak contact aku balik before SACE hari tu, tapi aku tak bagi dia nombor baru kasi padan muka sikit).

So aku tanya dia:

Aku: Yo, ni S***** ke?

Orang: *senyap jap* Eh tak lah.

Aku: Cakap betul-betul, ni S***** ke? Macam ye je.

Orang: Bukan. Saya Saiful.

Disebabkan aku dah geram dan sayang kredit, aku suruh dia mesej aje and letak tepon. Dia kemudiannya bagi mesej yang berikut:

"Awak, saya nak kawan dengan awak boleh ke tak? Lagipun saya dah tengok muke awak kat facebook tau. Awak comel sangat..."

Aku geram tau tak geram. Nampak sangat.

"Mane dapat nombor ni? Please bagitau. I don't give my number to strangers"

Dan dia tak reply2 lagi sampai sekarang.

Aku akan keep on with my first guess; 'Saiful' itu ialah S***** yang sedang menyamar. Aku ambik ESLS dan Maths Studies aku tau la deduce. Berdasarkan bukti-bukti di bawah, aku 95% confident yang dia tu S***** sebab:

Dia tau kewujudan KEMPAS.
Dia tau nombor aku
Dia punya suara sejiban
Taktik provokasi yang aku memang tau milik dia (awak comel la etc etc)
Tak nak cakap mana dapat nombor aku
'Saiful'. LOL appropriate sungguh nama kau.

Aku takdela nak mengamuk lebih-lebih. Aku pun pernah menyamar ape, kenakan Ezra (kahkahkahkahkahkahkah). Tapi uh, kalau betul la kau S*****, apasal tak cakap je terus terang. Bukan aku nak makan kau pun. Hari tu aku tak contact sebab aku terlepas call kau, lepas tu malas nak call balik sebab takde kredit.

Dan kalau kau betul Saiful from KEMPAS, uh, please cakap mana dapat nombor okeh? Itu pet peeve aku orang tak nak bagitau mana dapat nombor. Aku takde la pulak join FinGang ke Brader Sistah Gempak ke ape.

Tapi, uh, lantaklah. Tak kacau hidup aku pun sebenarnya. At least ada bahan nak buat update blog kan muahahahaha. Sorry kalau terkasar bahasa gahahahaha (lol sorry tak ikhlas).

At least now you know what repels me,

Alice

got nothing better to write

2010-11-24T19:36:00.000-08:00

Emo girl: Music is my life, I can't live without music.

Me: What kind of music? The one that tells you to slit your wrist because your life sucks? I believe it's "I can't live with music", honey :)

new song

2010-11-22T06:31:00.000-08:00

Not entirely new, though, just felt like sharing this with you.

Unfortunately I'm still new when it comes to music production. Hope that I'll be able to improve my skills this holiday.

Lucid Dreaming to the Past by Vryzzer

If you're wondering, yeah, I intended to make psy (failed miserably, though)

cerekarama, feminism dan masochism

2010-11-22T04:17:00.000-08:00

Raging feminism contents inside. Patah balik kalau cepat butthurt. You have been warned.

Semalam aku tengok telefilem Melayu, Masyitah. Tak berniat untuk tengok secara serius pun, tapi disebabkan aku sedang bosan tahap maksima masa potong kentang (nak baca buku tak boleh seba tengah potong kentang, so what do you expect), aku pun terpaksa la layan je. Lagipun channel lain takde cerita best. Kalau ikutkan, baik aku bawak laptop pergi ruang tamu, pasang Inception, pakat nganga sama adik-adik. But when you're doing potatoes there are things that you can't do makanya aku tengok ajelah drama tersebut. Itu pun tak tengok dari mula.

Dipendekkan cerita, Masyitah ni pasal seorang perempuan yang berhadapan dengan pergolakan rumah tangga akibat sikap mak mertua yang kuat menghasut. Si Masyitah ni ada anak yang autistic, jadi mak mertua dia yang loser tu guna alasan anak cacat tu untuk pisahkan dia dengan laki dia. Yang laki dia pun ikut aje cakap mak tanpa banyak soal. Tipikal la dalam keluarga Melayu. Mak mertua mesti menyampah gila dengan menantu perempuan dia, tuduh dia perempuan tak elok la, malas la, perampas anak orang la. Bila dapat cucu ada defect sikit, salahkan gene perempuan tu (padahal gene defect tu daripada anak dia yang merokok rantai 3 peket sehari). Bila tak dapat cucu pulak sekali lagi tuduh perempuan tu mandul la hape la (walaupun hakikatnya anak dia yang ada low sperm count sebab dah banyak 'bazirkan' masa muda-muda dulu!). Kalau anak dia dah mula tak dengar cakap dia, sekali lagi tuduh perempuan tu guna ilmu hitam la, guna-guna la, minyak dagu bayi la. Lepas tu pakat dapat sokongan padu daripada saudara-mara kasi pulau sama itu perempuan. Sampailah ke tua perempuan tu kena pulau. Ini bukan exaggeration, hal ini memang terjadi dalam masyarakat Melayu (even dalam keluarga aku sendiri - tapi version lain sikit la).

Disebabkan dah selalu sangat terjadi dalam masyarakat kita, penerbit-penerbit telefilem pun gunalah jalan cerita tersebut untuk buat telefilem. Basic storyline dah ada, cuma perlu ubah sikit-sikit aje, takut orang tuduh plagiat pulak kan. Lepas tu menang Anugerah Skrin. Honestly speaking, berapa banyak telefilem dah aku tengok cerita pasal perempuan yang dipulaukan keluarga suami or bergaduh dengan mak mertua. Itu baru yang aku tengok, belum yang aku tak tengok. Yang kelakarnya, semua cerita tersebut mesti memaparkan "ketabahan seorang wanita menjalani liku-liku kehidupan berumahtangga, yang akhirnya menemui kebahagiaan berkat kesabarannya", dan "kebahagiaan" tu biasanya bermaksud laki dia pulang ke pangkuan dia, dan mak mertua dia dapat terima dia. Macam Masyitah la, last2 laki dia lumpuh dan insaf lalu kembali semula kat dia, dan diakhiri dengan scene Masyitah menangis teresak-esak (meminta ampun perhaps) dan memeluk laki dia.

My question is: kenapa setiap kali buat cerita macam tu mesti paparkan perempuan sebagai seorang yang lemah dan tak buat apa-apa selain bersabar? Good thing jugak cerita semalam tu portray Masyitah sebagai wanita berkerjaya, kalau dia tu seorang ibu technically tunggal (kira gantung tak bertali la) yang terpaksa jual kuih demi menyara anak yang cacat (like the others) lagi la aku mengamuk sakan. Memang betul, sabar itu bagus, sabar separuh daripada iman, tapi kalau bersabar aje tak buat apa-apa kau ingat everything will be fine dalam sekelip mata?

Come on, let's face it, real life bukan macam kat dalam drama. Kau tak boleh expect laki kau yang kaki perempuan tu tiba-tiba insaf dan kembali ke pangkuan kau dalam sekelip mata. Kau tak boleh expect mak mertua kau yang kepala batu dan hati keras tu tiba-tiba boleh terima kau. Oh, by the way, kenapa mesti expect diorang insaf dan terima kau at the first place? Kenapa mesti bergantung pada diorang jugak? Tak boleh ke tinggalkan diorang terus, tak payah nak sakit-sakit hati? Tak boleh hidup tanpa laki? Sebelum kahwin boleh aje hidup. Tak elok putuskan silaturahim? Siapa yang mula-mula putuskan sebenarnya?

Perempuan ada hak, gunakanlah hak tu. Kalau dah terang-terang sangat diorang dah benci, buat apa menghegeh lagi kat diorang? Buang masa dan tenaga. They will manipulate you for their own satisfaction. Kau diam membisu, dia suruh sain agreement tukar hak milik tanah. Kau tak melawan, dia bawak perempuan lain masuk rumah. Kalau dah obvious sangat dia tak tunaikan tanggungjawab sebagai suami, mintaklah fasakh. Pergi jumpa peguam syariah. Kenapa masih jadi perempuan submissive yang ikut saja cakap laki walaupun boleh memudaratkan diri?

Itulah masalah masyarakat kita. Perempuan kena patuh, taat, ikut sahaja cakap orang jangan banyak soal. Kena bergantung kepada lelaki, kalau tak takleh hidup. Kalau laki buat hal, sabar...sabar... dia lelaki jadi dia ada hak nak buat apa-apa. memang betul, dalam Islam lelaki ialah pemimpin kaum wanita. Isteri kena taat perintah suami, kalau tak dikira nusyuz. Tapi hal ini tak boleh apply lagi kalau laki tu sendiri tak jalankan tanggungjawab dia. Apa ingat perempuan aje boleh nusyuz, lelaki pun boleh dikira nusyuz okeh. Tak caya pergi Google. Islam bukan agama yang zalim. When it comes to marital problems, seorang perempuan ada banyak options untuk bebaskan dirinya. Janganlah biarkan diri jadi punchbag - ada jalan keluar, gunakan sebaik-baiknya.

Dalam kes mak mertua kurang hajar pulak (macam nenek aku), buat apa memperbodohkan diri. Tunjuk la garang sikit! Dalam hidup ni kalau kita berterusan tunjuk diri lemah lembut dan submissive, orang senang take advantage. Dia tak terima, ok fine. Dia punya pasal. Dia dah tua, demented agaknya, don't bother about her anymore. Kalau ambik hati dia pun buang karan je kan, so baik tak payah. Lari jauh-jauh, putuskan contact. Selagi dia boleh kejar kau, selagi tu dia akan kejar dan kacau hidup kau, mintak harta la ape la (macam nenek aku). Sebab tu kalau boleh cariklah bakal laki yang yatim piatu, senang sikit hidup tak payah layan mak mertua yang banyak hal. Please la, be firm, forget about lemah lembut whatsoever. This is about your rights. Dalam soal hak kita tak boleh lemah lembut.

Aku dah lama sebenarnya nak tulis pasal ni, tapi pendam-pendam makanya jadik panjang macam ni. Perempuan-perempuan zaman sekarang, please stop being so submissive tanpa banyak soal. Dan satu lagi, tolonglah bersedia awal-awal sebelum kahwin, jangan main kahwin aje. Khatamkan buku undang-undang keluarga Islam dulu. Be wary of your future husband (before kahwin memang la setia gila, cuba kalau dah kahwin nanti...hancus). Kalau future husband suruh berhenti kerja, cakap dengan dia "Aku study 11 tahun kat sekolah, tambah setahun setengah buat AUSMAT yang menggila, lepas tu study lagi 4 tahun nak dapat degree kau boleh senang-senang suruh aku berhenti kerjaaa???? Pergi mampus!!!" sambil ugut nak clash kalau dia mention lagi pasal tu.

Fight for your rights

Alice

appropriate professions in the scientific field for Goa trance headz like me part 1

2010-11-20T05:43:00.000-08:00

That's a mouthful ya

(of course this is not Goa, but it's scientific enough so yeah)

So yeah. You love Goa trance even before the emergence of the first full moon festival, and your knowledge regarding this particular style of trance would shame Goa Gil himself. You are the Goa version of a quaintrelle, so it's only natural that you take up a job related to Goa trance, innit? Problem is, you are the heir to a legacy of Einsteins, and you are so not going to end up being an underground DJ/producer, spinning and making records that people have stopped listening to since the 2000's (okay, there are people who still listen to Goa trance, but by the turn of the century people have become too preoccupied with psy already, so who cares about Goa anymore?). So what are you going to do then? Study about Goa related stuffs, of course! Here are some professions which you might want to consider.

Mycologist

Let's face it, us Goa headz love our mushrooms. Especially those under the genus psilocybe. We eat them, process them, even make tea out of them. To us, mushrooms are the most sacred God's creation (after Salvia divinorum perhaps), and therefore should be valued and cherished with all our heart. What better way to value the wonders of mushrooms than by studying about them deeply?

Pharmacognosist

Okay, I know I can just say pharmacologist, but that's not accurate enough yaww. Pharmacognosist is, well, an expert in pharmacognosy, which is basically the study of natural remedies, or the study of how mundane plants can become useful medicines and cure any kinds of maladies. Since we Goa headz are so hippie we don't believe in carcinogen-laden modern medicines, being a pharmacognosist is crucial for the Goa headz population to ensure that we can stay healthy without polluting ourselves with man-made poisons (in this context, please conveniently ignore LSD).

Oneirologist

Please do count the number of Goa trance/ psybient songs having references on dreams, be it lucid or vivid or whatever. Too many to count, right? Dream is, after all, an integral element of the Goa biosphere, since the nature of dreams itself is highly mystical. I mean, where else can you find yourself flying without wings, confidently naked while surfing across what seemed to be a highly altered version of your childhood hometown accompanied by various sorts of distorted beings? Salviatrip, perhaps, but that doesn't count. A career as an expert in the scientific study of dreams helps you to uncover the mysteries behind what happens when one slips into an REM state. And nothing is more Goa than uncovering the mysteries behind that one. You can also study about the very mystical lucid dreaming, and astral projection for that matter. Oh, speaking of astral projection...

Astral Projectionologist/ OOBEologist

Okay, I made this one up. But one can always start.

Cosmologist

You see, the study of the Universe has been fascinating us Goa headz from the start. You'll find these cosmic elements in abundance in Goa trance, from the samples taken from films like 2001 A Space Odyssey, Star Trek, Star Wars and Dune, to the 'deep space noises' drones and synths (e.g. Zero by Astral Projection) and the cosmic-sounding outfit names and song titles (e.g. Space Tribe and Dancing Galaxy respectively). Maybe it has got to do with the whole Hindu mythology of which Goa headz are very fond of (it is, after all, Goa trance). You ask me why cosmology? Well, you can always take astrophysics or astronomy, or if you are very inclined, exoplanetology, but none of them is as mystical as cosmology, and you can never be Goa enough unless you are immersed in something highly mystical innit?

Psychopharmacologist

Because Rick Strassman is one. Studying about DMT and other psychoactive substances is so much fun, really. By being a psychopharmacologist, you can deepen your understandings on how those drugs work on your body to distort your conscious perceptions. Uh, no really. You actually focus more on what happens when one takes them psychoactive drugs, taking note on any changes in behaviour, mood, thinking, those stuffs (Wiki 2010). In short, you observe people babbling about "meeting highly intelligent creatures, telling me all the secrets of the world, seeing the past, present and the future all blended into one, feeling an overwhelming sense of love, peace, knowledge and tranquility...". Now that must be fun.

Plus point, you can always get a free dose of DMT (or two) any given time, "for the benefits of humanity".

So there you go. Plenty of options already. Who says you have to give up your future to live a very Goa life? And who says you have to give up your passion to have a secure future? You can indeed get the best of both worlds!

Happy studying and Boom!

Alice

the grand dinner

2010-11-18T06:56:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it was like a dream. I graduated from AUSMAT already (though I must mention that the official graduation ceremony was in August. Lol lawak eh?). What better thing to end your 1.5 years of a killer matriculation program than with an equally killer grand dinner? Awesomeness.

The dinner was held at the very majestic Empire Hotel. Theme was Grammy night, so there were a bunch of paparazzis taking pictures of us walking along the red carpet and on a Grammy-ish backdrop. Very Grammy, indeed. I must applaud the committee members for organising such an awesome night (despite all the things that happened prior to the event - not going to disclose that one XD). We were supposed to walk into the ballroom in pairs, and my partner for the night was, of course, Nemo (ape ko ingat ade ke mamat2 AUSMAT nak ajak aku jadik partner diorang? Kirim salam. "Tim yang selalu pakai baju hitam tu kan?" But not that I care anyway).

So I said I want to wear aristo. I wore aristo.

Jacket: Peace Collections (not Peace Now or Black Peace Now okeh), with buttons replaced

Blouse: My very old altered 'loli' blouse

Skirt: Handsewn the night before. Slept at 5 am for this.

Epic long petticoat: also handsewn

Jabot: Handsewn 3 hours before the dinner lol

Shoes (which you can't see here, but it's a pair of red velvet stilettos): A shop at Sungei Wang

Mini top hat: Altered, bought at My One Shop. God I'm going to miss that shop.

Also, I must tell you that before the event started, I bumped into Cikgu Hassan. He eyed me from head to toe, and with an inexplainable expression on his face (shocked? disgusted? 'apakah pakaian yang mengikut budaya sembah syaitan ini'?), he asked me "Ni pakaian jenis apa ni?". I was stunned and couldn't say a word, but I managed to blurt out " Uh, ah, ini aristocrat, Victorian style, uh..." and quickly find refuge inside the ballroom. Heh, if Laura and the Innocent Girl Connie can wear micro mini dresses, I can't see why am I not allowed to wear a modest, not form-fitting aristo outfit (itu nasib baik aku tak pakai lolita and boots, kalau tak mesti dia tanya "mana seluar awak?").

By the way, here's how me and my fiancée looked like to

gether (yeah, she said she was thinking of wearing sweet lolita with me, but not many people are courageous enough to wear lolita in public so there you go).

lol macam nak lari

And so the main event kicked off with a performance by AUSMAT's very own band, The Last 3 Letters. Syira's acting was brilliant, kalau audition jadik pelakon tu memang boleh sangat sangat lepas (ini serius). The performances were cool, too. I especially enjoy the Korean medley dances with Leong's sissy antics and whatnots. I was 'invited' to perform a few months back, but I decided not to because I want to eat my heart out without having to worry about performing, and because I don't think people (and Cikgu Hassan?) would appreciate a bunch of electronic noises while munching off their lamb chops lol.

yang ni pun boleh tahan, tapi kena interrupt kejap. what the eff korang tak bagitau aku jien lee main piano

Speaking of lamb chops, the food was AWESOME! Definitely worth RM80. Wished I had bigger stomach though, I only managed to eat one round of everything. There were lamb chops, baked macaroni, dory fish in tartar sauce (?), some cheesy potato thing, mixed vegetables, soto, pineapple and chicken salad, garden salad with coleslaw, bread n butter (super keras tapi sedap), blackcurrant and peach pudding, brownies, cheese cakes, apa lagi tak ingat kot. Sampai sekarang terngiang-ngiang lamb chop tu. I love western-tinged buffets like that.

takde gambar makanan, but enjoy the photo of me with my tablemates

Because it was Grammy-themed, the committee decided to give out a few awards to deserving students and lecturers. There were awards for the most innocent, stylo, talented, hot, Mr. and Ms AUSMAT and happy go lucky students, and the most popular and favourite lecturers. There were also a special award for Suria, the main person behind the awesome event, as well as the awards for best dressed peeps. I was nominated for Talented and Stylo, but of course I was not talented and stylo enough (talented = pandai nyanyi and main instruments, aku nyanyi tak sedap and the only instrument I play is FL Studio 9. Stylo = trendy coordinations using trendy brand items. Lolita is not trendy and BTSSB is not a trendy brand XD). Takpelah, tak kisah part tu, it's a popularity contest anyway and I'm not popular. But one thing though. How come Jepa dapat Most Talented Guy??? Jawab aku, jawab cepat.

By the way, look at the girl winning the Best Dressed award for the night, Salehana.

HEBAT!

The highlight of the event was a candlelight vigil ceremony (lol) for the lecturers. Lights were killed, everybody sat anxiously in the dark, before us candle bearers went in and surround the lecturers table with candlelights. Gave them roses and gifts, and let them blow out the candles. I didn't realize this one, but by that time people were actually crying, suddenly flooded with the memories from the past 1.5 years. The hard work, the perspirations, the tears, the significant moments, all wrapped into one night. Haha, okay I'm going to stop with that here, I'm not good at describing memories with words XD.

Before I forgot, we received our yearbook that night. The birth of my beloved child. The Yearbook Committee's pride and joy. I was proud to be a part of the yearbook team, as one of the graphic designers. Was even prouder when Prof Bib praised our efforts in front of everyone. "This is the original Facebook", she said. Kudos to my man Hong Seng for making it a success.

So yeah, grand dinner was grandiose, no doubt. The best ever in my life (haha, gaya macam pernah attend banyak grand dinner je doh). I shall cherish the memories of AUSMAT till the rest of my life.

Turns out, despite all those whines about the 'most difficult preparation program in INTEC' here, I found myself missing AUSMAT already. Well, missing the memories, certainly not the assignments and tests and quizzes. Hope my undergraduate years will be as awesome, if not better. Marilah Otago!

p/s: almost all photos were stolen from Suria. Some of them are mine, and my tagged photos

p/p/s: Illawong is the best!

a short one about BBW

2010-11-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

I'm very tired from 4 days of jalan-jalan patah kaki, but I wanted to make a blog post about this heavenly event, so here we go:

Books on the left are Linda's, the rest are mine. Bought on Day 1 and the media preview day (because apparently my Red Riding Hood impersonation wins the heart of the Wolfie, so I am now officially his BFF or something).

Total damage: RM 165

Books purchased:

Palahniuk's Pygmy
Crichton's Disclosure
Crichton's Sphere
The Gates by John Connolly
Vlad The Last Confession by C.C. Humphreys
Digital Fortress by Dan Brown
Venus in Furs by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (hee hee...couldn't help it, I'm a masochist after all XD)
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Brother Grimm by Craig Russell
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Cleo by Helen Brown
The Giver by Lois Lowry
Intercession by Isa Kamari
Queen Victoria Demon Hunter by A.E. Moorat
Mr Darcy, Vampyre by Amanda Grange
Cold Plague by Daniel Kalla
Dream Searchers Book 2 by Andrey Reutov
The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice
Grotesque by Natsuo Kirino
Horrible Science: Painful Poisons
Vampire Kisses graphic novel

Bonus: my current Crichton collection (The Andromeda Strain, Prey and Next at home, State of Fear dah hilang)

(you ask me why I have 2 Pirate Latitudes? Well, one is for Top, but apparently he's too busy to meet me and claim his books (thus fulfilling his promises whatsoever), and I couldn't be bothered to remind him about it, so it shall remain with me at least until 2014. Your fault!)

Oh, by the way, thanks a lot Leana sebab tumpangkan saya kat rumah awak :D

maka dengan ini saya mengisytiharkan

2010-11-10T07:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, saya sudah MERDEKA!!!!

Penat lelah selama satu setengah tahun (lelah sangat la kau) telah berakhir dengan selamatnya pada pukul 2.42 petang tadi. Harap-harap impian murni untuk mendapat TER 94 (ambitious much?) dan subsequently fly ke Otago akan tercapat...

Amin....

Terima kasih kepada semua lecturers, especially lecturers yang pernah mengajar saya selama saya berada di INTEC kerana telah mendidik dan membimbing saya tanpa jemu.

Terima kasih juga kepada rakan-rakan di INTEC yang telah banyak membantu, especially budak-budak Illawong yang best!

Terima kasih kepada housemates yang berjaya endure setahun setengah dengan saya yang uber twisted

Terima kasih kepada penyelia asrama, driver bas, pak dan mak guard, makcik cleaner, abang library, etc etc... pendek kata, semua yang pernah hadir dalam hidup saya sepanjang bergelar pelajar INTEC.

Jumpa di dinner!

Alice

change of plan

2010-11-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

Special 'dress codes' have rendered my plans to wear sweet lolita/ my new Bodyline dress for my grand dinner inexecutable. The HEP head honcho says that should anyone fail to follow the dress code, i.e. long attires for ladies, no short skirts whatsoever, poor Head of Programme will suffer some bad consequences. Which means no knee-length lolita dresses. Friends said that lolita is okay since I'm going to cover everything below the knees with boots (which are not form fitting - I saw some of those around) but I dunno, better be safe than sorry. Aku kan budak protokol (Linda 2010).

So putting aside my Bio and Chem books for a while, I let my imaginations run wild and made this

Muslimah Blood Aristocrat by alicephantasmagoria featuring a black dress

I already have the blouse (not exactly the same as above, but passable), the hijab, the headdress (needs some more embellishments), the ring and the lace gloves. Gonna make the jabot myself. Found a nice aristocrat-ish long blazer at Peace, and planned to hunt for the skirt at Subang Jaya. Kasut tu pinjam orang je kot XD

So yeah, can't wait for SACE to end so that I can make preparations for the dinner (and CF perhaps) quick. Cakap pasal SACE, I only have two papers left - Bio and Chem. Maths, surprisingly, was not as horrifying as I would have expected. Alhamdulillah for that. As for the two others, hmm tak taulah, when it comes to language papers you can't say much coz they're very subjective anyway.

One thing for sure, sitting for three 3-hour papers while having a stabbing toothache sucks real bad. Let's hope that the ampicillin given to me will do wonders within its 3-day course. Kalau tak, aku demand balik RM35 aku tadi. But really, the pain is beginning to subside now that I have taken two capsules already.

How I am amazed with the power of modern medicine,

Future Pharmacist Alice

permohonan maaf

2010-11-03T05:42:00.000-07:00

Hey, I'm sorry for what I've done earlier today. That was very improper of me, to overreact like that. The hysterical ramblings are not meant for you, but I'm sorry if it has somehow affected you or anyone else for that matter.

After all, a toothache of an unidentified source is not cancer, no?

I'm taking my analgesics now, don't worry :)

words

2010-10-26T05:06:00.001-07:00

Be careful when you choose them. No matter online or IRL, terlajak perahu boleh diundur tapi terlajak kata kau gigit lidah (or jari?) aje lah.

Whatever. Sick of being misconstrued already. Cakap macam ni salah, cakap macam tu salah.

Lighter note because I can't be cryptic all the time: SACE (unofficial) lagi sehari. Mulai hari ini sampai Jumaat aku akan cuba cakap 100% Bahasa Melayu, supaya hari Khamis ni tak akan terpacul perkataan-perkataan Inggeris hatta 'OK' sekalipun dari mulut aku. Tolong doakan aku sebab aku agak hancur dalam bab bercakap ni (sila rujuk perenggan pertama).

Sebagai penutup aku tujukan ucapan berikut kepada semua calon South Australian Certificate of Education 2010, terutama sekali dari INTEC:

Baiklah, sihat (Achik 2010).

Semua terbaik dan baik nasib.

Semoga lepas dengan warna terbang!

Hambar, aku tau, tapi aku suka,

Fatimah (sebab Alice bukan Bahasa Melayu lol)

not a counter-attack

2010-10-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

but rather, a ~~good~~ great news, my dream is finally closer than I think!

(no, not Otago, something lamer, lol)

Remember this?

The original AP version will cost me at least RM1000 per JSK, which is definitely waaaay beyond what I could afford. I was left to drool over the set, witness the whole collection being re-released on AP's site, see them being sold out completely (yet again) and drool over them once again on egl_comm_sales. It's painful, really, wanting for something so impossible....

...Until this saves the day.

Melty Chocolate replica by Dream of Lolita (Taobao), approximate price RM150+

KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!11!!1!!!!!!

So who cares if it's a replica? Call me vile or anything, but I don't have anything against that. The construction looks okay, and the price is damn way cheaper than the original version. Although the quality is inferior to the original AP rare print, it's definitely worth the price. Not everyone could work their ass off to earn money for lolita dresses, and even if everyone could, not everyone could justify spending half of her taxpayer-funded semester allowance for a frickin lolita dress. Might as well use that money for Toroa College accommodation deposit, no?

I might end up buying this baby in mint. Probably as an early birthday present. Next year, before going to Otago (Insya-Allah, pray for my success in SACE okeh thank you :D :D).

But, uh, of course, need to wait for the reviews first, should there be any flaws on the print, or any misplaced icky laces (the gold trimming is like, uh, out of the world :O). But yeah, if it's generally okay I won't hesitate to buy one. Just need to work my ass off helping mom with our kuih business for a month, then y hola dream dress!

Of course I won't pass it off as AP,

Alice

i take drugs

2010-10-19T02:42:00.000-07:00

I was introduced to binaural beats from my eagerness to induce lucid dreaming and astral projection. A bit skeptical at first, but since the science behind the whole thing is logical, I thought it won't hurt to give it a try.

(unfortunately, I can't seem to be able to lucid dream or astral project with the help of them binaural beats. Without them, however, I managed to partially move out of my physical body. Awesomeness.)

Anyhoo, last week, my friend on fb introduced me to this binaural beats software called I-Doser. Apparently, you can get all sorts of binaural beat 'doses' from this program, ones that can allegedly induce feelings of euphoria, hallucinations, intoxication, alertness, near-death experiences, things like that. It's the digital equivalent to taking drugs (or antidepressants, or caffeine, or aphrodisiacs, or whatever), sans the side effects.

(Legal DMT in my computer? YES PLEASE!!)

Of course I was interested. I am a Goa trancer, after all, and all Goa trancers will involve in hallucinogenics in one way or another (mine would be the natural DMT mentioned in my previous posts), so it's only natural for me to try the digital version of hallucinogens on I-Doser.

So I tried several doses, and here's the result:

Lucid Dream: As mentioned above, no lucid dreams with aids

AstralQH: Same as Lucid Dream. I am too Goa to astral project with aids lol

Ecstasy: It worked :D (hey, don't blame me, I'm curious :P)

Memory+: Not that I can feel the effects straight away anyway, so I dunno

Brain+: Didn't finish the dose, but even if I do I guess I'll have to say "Refer to Memory+"

TripQH: Nothing. Nada. Disappointed.

LSD: Didn't finish the dose because I was 'too scared'. First timer lol.

Anti-Sad: Played the dose, listened to it, fell asleep after 90%. Woke up, felt a sudden rush of despair, and cried uncontrollably for half an hour. Hebat punya opposite effect.

(didn't try DMT yet because I have plenty in my brain)

The verdict? I can safely conclude that I-Doser should be renamed as I-Placebo. I'm going to prove myself wrong by blind-testing Gates of Hades on some of my friends here, but for the time being I'll just stick to my placebo doses. And try full Peyote dose after this, perhaps.

(maybe you will be as awesome as this!)

support Mr. Yan

2010-10-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

Hi all. As you know I made my first Bodyline purchase (first = new, from the website, not secondhand) a couple of weeks ago, because Mr. Yan's birthday sale is too tempting to miss, and I've been saving for it since the last birthday sale. It was more of a compulsive decision really, as I intended to use the money to buy me a nice pair of boots (an attempt to lose the pants in my lolita coord without having to expose the shape of my legs). But since I was so smitten with this particular print since the first day of its release, I thought what the hell, Mr. Yan punya birthday setahun sekali so yeah (the decision was also fueled by the roommate, who I guess was already exasperated with my reluctance to spend over RM50 for a single item, and me continuously pestering her with questions like 'Ko tengok dress ni, lawa tak?' and 'Ko rase patut tak aku beli ni?Sekarang tengah sale, Mr. Yan tengah mengamuk. Harga asal $50, aku memang suka sebab dia macam AatP punya Castle of Nightmare. Ade group order lagi, boleh jimat shipping. Aaaa, tapi reluctant doh!'. Something along that line XD)

So to cut things short, I went on and gave the link of my desired JSK (l188 in red) to Akiko, the GO organiser, paid for it and waited for my 'dream dress' to arrive. This part was perfect and swift; by 23rd September the parcel arrived from Bodyline, and a week later it arrived at my place. I was also very satisfied price-wise, as the shipping is just RM10 per item, postage was free (I opted for e-parcel. Apparently the free postage is going to be discontinued after 20 October so cepat2!) and her charges are way cheaper than those of the other GO organisers (included in the item price so you might be inclined to think there are no charges applied).

The parcel arrived in a double-membraned brown envelope (double membrane means just that.) and beneath that, the familiar red Bodyline packaging. I'm making a collection of these Bodyline plastics. The packaging was not much of a problem, since a JSK is less fragile than, say, a pair of shoes (which I heard would be shipped without any shoe boxes whatsoever).

On to the JSK, this is what I got:

I am absolutely in love with the print. It features ornately framed rose bouquets, ribbons, cosmetics and accessories over a gingham-like background. I didn't get a clear picture of the print from the website at first, just the impression that it was something like a classic lolita-ish version of the AatP's Castle of Nightmare print (which encouraged me even more to buy it). Upon receiving the JSK, however, I knew I have made the right choice.

I was at first mortified with the absence of waist ties on the JSK, thinking that Bodyline had somehow forgotten to include it with it, but after checking I found out that indeed the JSK doesn't have any form of waist ties. Which is bad because apparently, the JSK is a bit too big for me on the bodice part (you'd think having shirring will make it wearable for small and big girls alike, but no, it's still too big for my 24.5 inches waist). I might need to add corset lacing on the back, granted I can find me a nice roll of grossgrain ribbon. That, or sew a couple of red waist ties/ add buttons so that I can attach the waist ties from my Baby JSK to it / leave it as it is and walk around looking pregnant.

Although the JSK is not lined, the fabric is of good quality and is thick enough. The crochet (?) lace is also lovely; although it doesn't have that much of details, it's better than having tons of itchy raschel lace on it really. There is also a nice row of rose lace on the ruffles, though it's not of the best quality (kind of stiff, not much of details, but satisfactory).

And as usual, whenever there is a big bow on a Bodyline JSK, you can bet it is removable. I don't like the idea of wearing the bow on my chest, so I will probably put it on my waist or make a head-eating headdress out of it or attach it on my bag. Another thing I must metion about the JSK is the fact that the shoulder straps are halter-styled. It might be great for regular lolitas (with an ability to tie a bow correctly) because it's more interesting than the usual styles of straps, but since I'm wearing a tudung, having a big bow on the back of my neck would not make much of a difference; if anything, they would make me look as if I have a big frickin tumour over there. Even if I were to tuck my tudung inside my blouse, I don't know how to tie a bow properly like that in the stock pics, makanya sia-sia sahaja. So we'll see about that later. If I need to cantas them, I'll cantas them.

Anyhoo here's a coordination pic. Bows are there partly for the lulz, and partly because I want to balance the reds in my coord.

Overall I must say I am happy with my purchase, and would probably buy a lot more from Mr. Yan after this (since it's the only way I could get lolita items apart from sewing till my thumb is broken/ searching for loliable items and altering them till my thumb is once again broken).

I make a bad EGL reviewer, don't I?

With love,

Alice/Siti Fatimah/Maya Arielle/Vryzzer/Katharin Vallion/Emma de Lumiere

blogger paling malas

2010-10-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

Heya. It's been a month. This time, my excuse would be the dreaded trial exam. Trial is awesome, we should do it more often, it doesn't matter if we get A in our Maths paper/managed to answer Malay paper perfectly within the time limit/ get into the Pelajar Cemerlang list or not, as long as we have tried our best yayyy!!! *cue fake optimistic squeal*

Anyway, I am not going to bitch about the trial exam or whatever, because I believe what's done is done, and it's my fault anyway that I didn't get anywhere near the expected level of an NZ-bound pharmacist student-to-be. I am here to bitch about how it feels when one is deceived.

Hahahaha, no wayy. You don't expect me to be that brave, do you? But one thing for sure, I am a 'feeler', therefore I can assure you that my hunch is quite reliable (although I felt that most of the time those 'hunches' are merely paranoia).

But yeah, when you look back, it's my fault anyway. I can perfectly understand why am I being deceived. So yeah, there's no need for me to bitch about it. Just felt like mentioning it here, because I was amazed with my ability to 'read' people's minds. Maybe if I were to be a ~~sparkly vegetarian~~ vampire, I would have real mind-reading abilities.

On a lighter note, I made a Soundcloud profile. For those unaware of the existence of this website, Soundcloud is a site for producers and DJs to publish their productions and remixes for free. I have published two track for you guys to listen to. Nothing remarkably awesome though, just a couple of no-vocal stuffs I made using FL Studio 9. I still can't pigeonhole my tracks into any genre, though. If you have any clue on which genre do my tracks belong to (progressive? techno? fidget house(XD)? ), please tell me. I'm a noob in music production hahahah. While you're at it, do drop a comment there. I need to know where can I improve myself, music production-wise.

Sneak preview: I bought a Bodyline JSK :D Shall post a review on the next post.

Don't want to write more. Have some sewing projects to complete. Till next time.

Alice

selamat menyambut hari kemerdekaan

2010-08-30T09:16:00.000-07:00

Racism depends on an individual, not the race in which the individual belongs to.

Having said that, you cannot simply make generalizations and say "Kaum ____ rasis! Bigot! Etc Etc!!"

There are Malays who are racists. There are Chinese who are racists. There are Indians who are racists. There are individuals belonging to minority groups who are racists. But you cannot simply accuse every individuals in the respective groups as racists. The sayings 'kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga' may be true, but then, you cannot expect a large group of people to be squeaky clean without any 'perosak kaum' either.

Racism is intolerable. Politicizing racism is far worse.

When you live together with different people of different sorts of background / needs / behaviour / beliefs, toleration is crucial. A typical prep may be forced to live with an annoyingly emo-ish roommate with an affinity to all things weird and macabre, but they can still live peacefully (if not happily) with each other should toleration is practiced. The same principle can be applied in the context of living together in a multiracial country. This is why we have things like Perkara 14-18 and Perkara 153 in the Federal Constitution. While I may not be well versed in law, I do believe that the Federal Constitution was carefully designed to be fair and just for all citizens of Malaysia. I am not saying this because I am a Malay (although I am a Malay according to the constitution, I am only half-Malay and prefer to address myself as Malinja - Malay+Indian+Javanese XD), I am saying this as a Malaysian.

By the way, I do know that the government cannot always be right, but I think being a rebel for the sake of rebelling is just ridiculous. Not all things implemented by the government need to be protested.

Happy 53rd Independence Day. May we can make it to the 54th.

Alice

aku ada buat lagu

2010-08-27T10:37:00.001-07:00

tapi sayangnya aku tak boleh kongsi dengan orang sebab aku tak boleh upload mp3 kat mana-mana site (tak tau sebab apa). Nak post lirik pun tak boleh sebab dah nama memang tak ada lirik kan. Lagu tu tak awesome mana; 4 layers, ada synth dua, bass satu, pads satu cukuplah. Dah nama pun noob kan. 8 bars of melodies diulang-ulang barang cukup 3 minit. Itulah ~~dance music~~ ambient pada tahap paling basic, terma kasih kepada FruityLoops.

Kenapa aku tulis ni?

Sebab aku kagum dengan mereka yang tulis dan buat lagu sendiri. Ini tak hanya merujuk kepada dance music artists. Orang terdekat pun ramai. Adik aku misalnya. Aiman Black pun hebat.

Satu hari nanti aku akan dapatkan Ableton Reason dan buat lagu sekompleks Shpongle. Paling koman pun, brush up aku punya FL skills supaya aku tau macamana nak vocoderkan suara aku guna that damned Vocodex (salah aku ke salah soundcard aku tak tau). Semalam aku baru discover macamana nak guna Fruity Love Philter. Sungguh pathetic. Kau fikir bagi seseorang yang minat dance music, lagu-lagu yang aku buat mesti at least ada a brief session of filter. Filter sungguh awesome. Aku berjaya remake I Feel Love menjadi lebih housey (acid synth boleh dikira housey kah?).

postscript: Minggu depan balik. Aku rindu mak. Rindu bapak. Rindu adik-adik. Rindu rumah. Hahahaha cheesy sungguh diriku.

astronomy is awesome

2010-08-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I don't want to have any romantic relationship with any guy (at least for the time being), especially if that guy is not Raphael (or at least Raphael-like). Having said that, don't expect me to be too friendly to you guys whatsoever. No offline communications, no "let's go out together!!!1!!1!!!!!", no direct contacts. Been there done that. Nak keluar sama mesti belanja. All expenses paid. Tambang pun taja sekali. Aku tak kira. Kau nak label aku materialistik ke hape ke silakan. If you can't sacrifice for me now, I cannot justify being your wife in the future. Nuff said.

Secondly, I love full moon. I really do. Full moon rising is the best natural phenomenon ever (besides the usual eclipses). If you are lucky enough, go to any place where you can almost see the horizon without any obstructions during a full moon night, preferably around Maghrib. You will see a beautiful orange full moon . (I rarely have a chance to witness this event because kat depan bilik banyak pokok and bangunan and whatnots makanya sangat sedih).

Thirdly, I'm sorry if I offended you. Apparently I have this 'enhanced' interpretation skills that leads me to misinterpret many an innocent status updates/ blog posts. The blame should be put entirely on me.

Fourthly (that sounds odd), I want macarons. I want I want I want I don't care I really want some macarons!!!11!11!!!!

Rose and pistachio and caramel and cherry with Nutella (I can go on forever with the list of 'freaky' flavours) is teh awesomest.

Fifthly, you can see Jupiter clearly right now. Look at the moon, and find the nearest bright object that doesn't twinkle. That's Jupiter. I want me a telescope, that would be awesome.

Yes, misleading title is misleading :D

sewing plans yet again

2010-08-25T03:34:00.001-07:00

Hi. I bought some beautiful fabric from Nagoya last July:

Yes, it's very lolita (not only loliable! XD) and apparently, this print is a part of a series of similarly sweet prints from Japan. I saw some with carousels at sew_loli, which I really really love (coz it reminds me of SC) but I couldn't find it here. Chose cream instead of pink because I need some variety in my loli wardrobe. I'm planning to make a JSK for the dinner (if I have the time and the willpower) should my plan to purchase one during Mr. Yan's birthday sale fails. So far I have several plans for this fabric, one of them involving bustles (yet again) and blue ruffles, and another one involving making a replica of this F+F dress:

(it even has the EXACT print, in black colourway! XP)

Maaaybe with added ruffle because I'm a sucker when it comes to ruffles. And most definitely, I'm going to put the waist ties at the back. Somehow I feel like tying your waist ties at the front seems weird (no matter how good it looks on that Putumayo Cat Window skirt). Now, if only I could find a decent sewing machine for under RM100 (which is damn impossible)...

unweekly update

2010-08-24T07:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know. Feels like writing about this as soon as I finished the dreaded test. You could say statistics, like the rest of the abhorred Maths syllabus, is my weakest point. Meh, you say. This could be another one of my self-pitying post, about me being reportedly inferior to other people, or having lack of zeal/motivation/optimistic point of view whatsoever compared to other people. You're probably right. I hate Maths because I am not good in it. I used to, but no longer I am. That makes me hate it even more. 'Hate' may be a strong word to describe what I feel towards the subject, but yeah, if it's not hatred, it's something close. No, I don't hate the lecturer (I love the lecturer by the way, she's the sweetest), I hate the fact that I could not make myself better in Maths. Maybe it's my utter laziness. Maybe it's my newly-found 'couldn't care less' attitude. No matter what the excuses are, I found it very difficult to get that coveted A in this subject. The source of my parents' disappointment, no doubt. And my lecturer's disappointment, too. She is the best lecturer ever, a very patient, dedicated teacher. It's disheartening to think that our marks do not reflect her hard work of teaching us from January to August. Though I feel that there is hope for me to get at least (or at most?) B in today's test, I couldn't be too sure. I might screwed up on the normalcdf/ binomcdf thingie (let's not discuss Question 1 because obviously I did not flip a single page of that box whisker topic in the textbook for my revision. So meh.).

I miss my earlier days. This is my worst nightmare at its best. Me falling down after a brief moment of triumph. One should learn to be grateful during one's best moments. Something I didn't do before. Look what happened now.

"Oh hell, it's only a test, it's not the end of the world, vessel. Good luck for your trial exam." - Subconscious

With an air of negative charge,

Alice who couldn't be bothered to edit grammar.

p/s go and download Global Communication's 76:14 album. Every song is a blissful journey to an ethereal state of mind. Listen to 14:31 before you sleep. Best barbiturate ever.

midnight randomization part deux

2010-08-20T23:37:00.001-07:00

Aku tak berapa kisah kalau kau nak kacau aku pun. You could say I like it. Sebab aku rasa kau menarik. Dan aku suka orang-orang menarik. Orang normal sangat boring. Ya, aku label kau dan aku sebagai tak normal. Tapi itu patut jadi satu compliment. But I don't know. Some people get offended by this, tapi aku trust kau bukan jenis yang cepat offended.

By the way, yes, I love dance music. Been hearing it since I was 4. It's only natural. Sayangnya tak ramai orang di Malaysia tahu pasal dance music. Kalau ada yang tahu/suka tu pun daripada exposure lepas pergi ke kelab-kelab posh e.g. Zouk (kelab tak posh tak pasang dance music, diorang pasang lagu dangdut); suka sebab dance music mempercepatkan heartbeat dan mempercepatkan proses high. Bukan suka sebab dance music itu sendiri. Takpun exposure lepas lepak-lepak di Bukit Bintang dan berkawan dengan budak-budak shufflers yang menari mengikuti rentak hardstyle. Mereka cuma tahu itu hardstyle, dan letak di t-shirt masing-masing; mereka tak tahu itu ialah sub-style hard dance, dan "hardstyle" yang mereka gelarkan itu boleh jadi hard trance ataupun cuma bangin' techno. Lalu dengan knowledge yang sikit ini mereka cuba buat tracks sendiri; maka keluarlah lagu seperti Roti Keju yang sangat out of place.

Mereka yang menghayati dance music sangat sedikit, apatah lagi menghayati psychedelic trance. Epic Tribe sangat awesome, mereka ada soul Goa sebenar (sans LSD). But that doesn't mean all of the punters that attend their events have that true psychedelic spirit. Kalau orang berhenti associate dance music dengan clubbing dan dadah, dunia ini akan jadi lebih indah. Dan kalau industri muzik indie di Malaysia juga memaparkan artis dance music alongside the usual alt rock bands, dunia ini sudah tentu akan jadi lebih awesome.

Entry ini pelik sebab aku terbaca blog lama di Friendster yang ditulis masa umur 13, komen-komen pasal local dance music scene. Waktu aku umur 11 dulu, dance music di radio tempatan sangat awesome. Sekarang sudah mati. Terima kasih mainstream music kerana contribute serba sedikit ke arah itu.

Midnight randomization part deux kerana kalau kau perasan, entry ini ada kena-mengena dengan midnight randomization yang pertama, bab 'exposure' tu. Hint from the writing style of this entry. Mari layan Moguai yang tidak sama dengan Mogwai (aku baru perasan).

Alice yang bakal hadapi interview lagi sebelum cuti.

emotions are there for you to show it

2010-08-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

Here it is, the long awaited weekly post! (that doesn't seem correct because I have just written an entry here yesterday)

Week started with Chemistry test. 80% Chapter 4, the rest come from random chapters in the book. Did not do much of revision during the weekends because I couldn't bother to do so, a habit that is proven to be detrimental to this overly confident self. So of course I had to cringe while answering the questions. And of course my marks were less than those who study day and night. But that doesn't matter! Inferiority complex can lead to cutting, so I don't give a damn anymore. I am happy with my results coz I deserve it! :D :D

I was also looking forward to the week because the TESL peeps at INTEC organised a Ramadhan PC & Book Fair for 3 days at the great hall. Not exactly full-blown PC and book fair, but at least they have a BookXcess stall! Ohmygosh! I've been wanting to go to BookXcess since forever (or at least, since Leana introduced it to me) but until now I never had any opportunities to go there because Amcorp Mall is so secluded, there's no way I'll be able to go there without being lost *cue hyperbole*. I was hoping to find some interesting classic literature, but the choices were limited to Jane Austen and Shakespeare and a couple other titles that I have read/ have no interest in reading, so I had to pass. Was looking for Alice I Have Been too, but I was told that the book was nonexistent in their original store. Disappointed, I tried my luck with Crichton. I have been wanting to buy The Terminal Man since I finished reading A Case of Need, so I inquired of the salesperson whether they have it in stock. Much to my delight, they do have it, and promised to bring it the following day. So I went again the next day, only to find out that The Terminal Man was sold out, so they brought Pirate Latitudes and Prey instead. I have read Prey for 3 times already, and I am not that much of a fan of pirate-y stories (despite my immense love towards Alice and the Pirates), so of course I was disappointed. Nevertheless, I decided that it doesn't hurt to buy Pirate Latitudes since Crichton's stuffs are generally awesome anyway. And for RM19.90, it's a hell of a bargain (original price RM69.90). Needless to say, I have made a very good investment. 70 pages through and I just couldn't stop.

And since I have so much disposable money in my hands (despite needing to pay NZD 900 for accommodation fees, and how many more RM for passport and visa purposes), I proceeded to buy yet another book the next day. Now, this book (The Heart-Shaped Box by Joe Hill) was purely compulsive purchase; I never recalled buying gothic novels other than the usual classic Gothic literature and the vampire romances (and, ugh, The Complete Twilight Saga). I bought it because I thought it was interesting (about an ageing death metal band member buying a ghost-infested suit and having his life ruined by it. Oh the irony...), and the cover is pretty. Something I could coord with my gothic lolita-tinged dresses, perhaps. And it's somewhat Gaiman-y. Did I mention it was for RM17.90? Yeah, that one really made me buy it ><.

Had my Malay forum on Wednesday, and the topic's "Wajarkah Artis Dijadikan Sebagai Idola?" (Should artistes be made into idols?). Played the role of an ustazah, but I didn't think I did well. Those usual verbal problems again. Heard that we'll be having an interview with people from Australia before Raya holidays regarding our In-Depth Studies. Interview with Malay-speaking Aussies means no colloquial Malay whatsoever - else they won't be able to understand whatever heck we are talking about. It's Nik Safiah Karim's Malay all the way, baby!

The week was full-on Yearbook work week. Need to finish everything by next week so that Hong Seng can submit the drafts to be printed. Tiring, no doubt, but at least it was enjoyable. Enjoyable in a sense that I am working with Photoshop CS4 (despite me being a n00b in graphic designing and Photoshop usage and whatnots). I prefer that over flipping through pages of the Biology textbook. Maybe I shouldn't take a course in health sciences, judging from my utter laziness to do anything academic. But then, maybe I am wrong. Drugs, legal or illegal, have always been my personal favourite.

Next week, it's double action again. Maths test on Tuesday, and Biology test on Thursday. Wish me luck; I may need it heavily.

Title is related to this entry because I said so.

Till next time,

Alice of Phantasmagoria.

midnight randomization

2010-08-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

You grow up having no particular interest in life whatsoever, then you meet a couple of queer individuals - later in life you realize they are the only set of individuals you could ever get along with - and started absorbing whatever they are, assimilating them to be a distinct personality that is you. The way they talk. The way they dress. What kind of music they listen to. Their current obsessions. Their philosophy in life.

Because that is what we are. We mold ourselves to be what we are today from the little things we are exposed to in life. One does not abruptly develop a taste for Aphex Twin without being introduced to it via one's brother's DJ friend, or via the loud industrial festival one attended last year (I must include Aphex Twin analogies coz he is fcking insanely awesome). In the end, a person is a being formed by numerous aspects acquired from his surrounding world; those that are carefully selected and skillfully crafted to be what one may call as the personality, or the personal characteristics. One may choose not to be affected by anything that happens around him, but sooner or later, the effect will start to surface.

Song of the entry is Bluetech's Triangle because psybient is food for the soul (acquired via the exposure to Shpongle, which was acquired from an old DJmag magazine, which was bought by my awesome dad. Dad knows dance music more than I do).

to you.

2010-08-11T03:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I did not support you during your worst moments. I thought I just want to let things be settled down first, and let you have the time to recover without me interrupting the process. 'Sides, I'm afraid if I act all counselor-y I'll make things worse. You know how bad I am in communications. The last time I did so, I made a friend get annoyed with me. I don't want the same thing to happen between us. Alas, I was wrong. Doing nothing is even worse, isn't it? I'm very sorry. I am concerned about you, it's just that I don't know how to show it. Maybe your other friends know you better than me, and know the best ways to cheer you up. Seems like I've been ignoring you, but I'm not. I know, I should do something with myself and my lame social skills. But yeah, I'm sorry.

here's a dozen dead roses for you

2010-08-09T06:15:00.000-07:00

Dear one whom I have banished from my life for eternity,

Which part of 'we're through' don't you understand? The 'we're' part or the 'through' part?

I don't miss you, you ugly piece of indelible memory. And stop expecting that I do.

By the way, the word reconciliation does not belong in my dictionary.

With deep regret (for having known you),

Countess Maya Arielle Evans.

p/s: when I say I'm Raphael's, that means I'm Raphael's. I don't give a damn whether he really exists or not.

one heck of a week

2010-08-06T09:29:00.001-07:00

If you noticed, my posts tend to be despairing lately. Hormones [driven by Subconscious] are that bad.Anyways it has been yet another eventful week, though not as eventful as the most eventful week in my AUSMAT life (repetitions are awesome). For some reasons I got my supply of BloggerBooster pills back, and decided that it would be best to post weekly entries that summarise the whole seven days than waiting for 'eventful' things to happen. I doubt I can make it, but yeah, we'll see. Won't be as awesomely frequent (and overly popular) as Bie's, but at least I can try to revive my vegetative blog. Vegetative, as in PVS.

I had my Maths statistics quiz this week. When you're in AUSMAT it's natural to have quizzes or tests every week. Thanks to my tendency to doze off in every class I attend, I couldn't really take note of what I've learnt about normal distribution. And being me, I didn't put any extra effort to ensure that I really understand the topic ("ala, statistics senang je kot, apela sangat, dulu aku selalu dapat full mark ape"). So the consequences are nasty. I prefer not to disclose the results here, but suffice to say that I need to stop being overtly confident about my capabilities in statistics after this. And maybe try to gobble down more stimulants. People should make arguments about legalising amphetamines rather than maryjanes (for the uninitiated: marijuana). No, I don't take any of those. DMT in my brain is sufficient.

I also received the results of my Otago interview (forgot to blog about it). Alhamdulillah, I passed it. Was dang worried about it before, mainly because I am skeptical of my ability during the interview with Dr. Brunton and [immensely gorgeous Dean of Pharmacy] Prof. Duffull. When you have difficulties pronouncing simple words and have lack of coherence during verbal communications, you definitely have all the rights to be paranoid when it comes to interviews. But I prayed, and let God determine what's best for me. And thank God I managed to pass. Anywho, passing the interview only means that I have passed the first stage. There will be two more stages to come; the dreaded SACE exam and Health Sciences First Year ("If you don't take Physics during your Year 12, you will find PHSI 191 Biological Physics very challenging" - Ms. Carol). Hope I am able to make it through all of them, for the sake of my parents (not to forget taxpayers :P). It is sad to know that some of my friends did not pass the interview, but I believe that they will get something even better after this (like what happened to my batchmates after

SPM - those who did not get straight A1's are the ones who leave Malaysia first; those who do are stuck in INTEC for 1.5 years to 2 years lol). And oh, giving false hope is BAD. Leana, fight for your rights, they need to find a place for you to study, it's their fault anyway.

Malay In-Depth Studies presentation was disappointing. You'd think I can do waaaaaay better since Malay is my first language. But I didn't, apparently. Bad communication skills are terrible. Did something about stigma and discrimination among schizophrenia patients, and made a very good job in portraying a schizophrenia patient in front of my classmates (through obvious agitation and actions suggesting 'stage fright'). Brilliant indeed. Of course I can talk, but I don't know how to organize my points when talking. Everything became jumbled up as soon as I start talking. It's depressing.

On a lighter note, I graduated! It's freaky to graduate before the big SACE exam, but INTEC decided that we can graduate with MEP and Russian students in a single ceremony (don't know why) so there we go, the AUSMAT graduating class of 2010 :D

Aaand I just finished reading a new book - A Case of Need by my beloved J. Michael Crichton, M.D. (RIP), the director of the medical series ER, director of awesome movies such as Jurassic Park and Twister, and author of numerous medical/scientific thrillers. I am always a fan of Crichton; I knew him through The Andromeda Strain, that epic novel illustrating the horrors of disease-yielding supermicrobes. Being a person obsessed with diseases and medicines and the sciences, Crichton's novels are my absolute cup of tea. He had visions of the future that are vivid and highly realistic, which are portrayed through his writings (Andromeda Strain, Jurassic Park, Next, Prey, among others). I always love how he included charts and graphs and images to further illustrate the issues he was featuring in his novels. And I love how he was able to blend medical or scientific facts with intense plots seamlessly, without appearing too tacky or being 'I-wanna-explain-everything-because-you-guys-are-morons'. It's a pity that he died in 2008 though; never once did I ever feel disappointed reading his novels. A Case of Need features issues concerning abortion; a quest of a pathologist to find the person behind a fatal medical malpractice. Reading the novel is like reading an immensely interesting medical textbook; he included lots of new informations embedded within descriptions of fast-paced actions. The fact that he wrote the novel shortly after he finished his medical internship (in 1968!) is just plain awesome. Five stars for classic Crichton. Gotta buy more of his medical thrillers - I heard that The Terminal Man is also great.

Ha, epic post is epic. Datin Minda asks us to write a journal to improve our writing skills, but since I am not very keen on keeping journals and updating regularly, I think writing in my blog will do. So there, till next week. I'll have my ESLS tutorials next week, and another Chemistry quiz. Ah...AUSMAT. You gotta love it. Till next time.

Alice. I got my Lolita coords Tumblr'd.

i told you

2010-08-04T04:38:00.001-07:00

I'm not good at social relations stuffs. The prime reason why I would rather be stuck in a frickin lab dosing myself with cytotoxic materials than wearing my best fake smile while dispensing medicines to strangers. It's the reason why I despise any forms of romantic relationships, the reason why I keep having bad blood with my acquaintances, the reason why I keep on doing faux pas when dealing with people.

I'm sorry. Didn't know about it; should've think twice before doing tacky 'bonding' stuffs like that. Curse my ignorance.

we all need a dose of DMT once in a while (it's in your body btw)

2010-08-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

Psychedelic ambient combines the two most awesome things on Earth IMO; psychedelic trance and ambient.

According to this logic, Shpongle is the most double epic awesome thing on Earth.

No one can play flute better than Raja Ram. Period.

ETA: apparently I'm a noob in HTML codes. Damn.

no drugs, just pure caffeine part 2

2010-07-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

Dear vessel,

You seem to start getting back to your old habit - drinking coffee to get high. Drinking an innocent cup of coffee won't usually do much to an average person, but to your pathetic system, it is enough to make you launch into full-blown psychosis. All facts and logics seem distorted, every single thing perceived seems unreal yet scarily vivid. And every single unreal thing seem even more scarily vivid, only worse because it's not even real. Body starts to trigger panic alarms, elevating heartbeat to a whole new level, causing blood pressure to increase quite horrifyingly, even a sphygmomanometer won't be able to take the reading. Bladder starts to take extra OT, kidneys beg for mercy, hoping that the daily assault by antihistamines won't be aggravated by yet another potent drug. Little jackhammers on the head begins to turn into fully-evolved industrial driller. Cold sweat begins to break, anxiety of unknown origins starts to take place, shoving aside the pathetic little portions of tranquility left in the distorted mind of the distorted vessel.

No matter how you try, your eyes won't shut. You need to stop seeing the tormenting images swirling in front of you, but your eyes won't shut. You want to run away from the hysteric voices in your head, but your eyes won't shut. Your eyes feel extra tired, but they won't shut. You are completely paralysed, trapped within the phantasmic wonderland, unable to find your way out. It's the baddest version of a bad trip you could get, without even needing to ingest the tiniest mole of lysergic acid diethylamide.

All because you want to run away from the reality. Because you need to forget the fact that all the problems you are facing comes from your own insensitivity. You know you will return to your manic SI state by doing so, but you just have to do something to run away.

Is it worth it? Do you get to escape the 'pain and sufferings' that you are enduring? Do the troubles miraculously disappear the moment you gulp down the abominable concoction? Do you honestly think it is not a form of self-mutilation? Tell me, how is poisoning yourself not self-mutilating?

Learn to accept the fact. Do not just run away. You are nothing more than a pathetic coward if you do so. Being egoistic won't change anything. A cup of coffee won't change anything. You need to change. It doesn't matter who's wrong or right; if you need to get over it, you have to start it yourself.

And oh, try to optimise your time. 'I don't want to sleep tonight' is bad for your system.

Love,

Your Friendly Subconscious.

p/s: Despite being your 'devilish Subconscious', I am not always bad, you see.

welcome to the wonderful world of hallucinogens

2010-07-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

I do not take hallucinogenics in any way, of course. I love my brain cells too much to do that. But as an experienced Goa trancer, I cannot help myself from involving in all things psychedelic. Personally I think hallucinogenics are awesome; they make you feel detached from the real world. I am not trying to advocate the usage of drugs (but as an aspiring pharmacist I would be more than happy to encourage the usage of medicinal drugs among all of you - it's better than taking unregistered traditional medications laced with hydroquinone isn't it?), but I really do think that the spiritual experience of seeing (or hearing) unreal things are exciting. Especially when it comes in Technicolour. With all 16 million colours included.

Frankly, whenever I listen to Goa trance, I could almost feel the synthesis of DMT going on in my head, giving me an unexplainable rush (not as intense as LSD, but still). The deep basslines are intoxicating, the surreal composition of melodic synths are entrancing, the mystical Indian chants are pure bliss. I could relate to those Indian chants by the way, so I bet it's no wonder why I prefer old-skool Goa trance from Destination Goa than the current stuffs people are making out of Fruity Loops. It's a good thing that Goa trance is gaining recognition in Malaysia though, thanks to the awesome people from Epic Tribe. Though I will never be able to attend one of those mystical psy events they organise, it's nice to think that I'm not the only one knowing about Goa trance in this very country, where most teenagers are heavily drugged with sex-laced songs from the likes of Gaga, Ke$ha, or any one of those pimptastic hip-hop artistes singing about taking off knickers, wanting to 'do it again and again', getting laid and...well, it's basically about getting laid.

I realised I have no topic sentence and proper flow of ideas. Haha. If you have to ask, I am in no mood whatsoever to complete my vital essays, hence this fcking nonsense I'm writing. I am also WUI; writing under influence. It's my personal psychedelic drug, the good ol' caffeine. Current pulse rate is 120 at rest, and could escalate higher. I admire people who could write things that I could never understand, with high English and whatnots, whereas I'm stuck with my colloquial mangled English here, all the while knowing the fact that I could not afford to have this style of writing. See how much I am detached from the real world by taking caffeine? Yeah, I drank half a glass of Ipoh White Coffee earlier today; it's this adverse effect I got after my caffeine OD 4 years ago, causing me to be extra agitated after consuming even the teeniest amount of that dreaded chemical. If you must get attention by self-harming, do anything but poison yourself. Scars can heal, but the effects of chemicals can linger for a very long time. I just have to say this. People don't tell about their imbecile experiences doing SI online without being anonymous, but I'm doing this for the sake of preventing more people from doing so. Being sober makes you feel important. Hoyeah.

Way to go Otago. Way to go pharmacy. Oh, give me some litmus paper already. I can't sleep.

of being extra polite

2010-07-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

This is my current weapon of choice to deal with people who think they are superior in every aspects. Sometimes, you can't launch into butthurt-esque attacks in defense of yourselves when encountering these people, as they would then turn it into a major drama by showing them to their posse/ cliques/ fellow elitists, and make you appear bad among the general community. They are able to turn you into some kind of worthless brat who could not take any forms of criticism (even when the said 'criticism' is done in the most insulting way). So the only option would be to go with the flow, pretend that you 'agree' with whatever they are saying, and be extra polite in your replies.

"Oh, I'm very very sorry, I'm such a noob in all these things, so I really need the worthy advice from a highly experienced person like you. Thank you very much for pointing things out to me :D I don't know what will happen to me if you didn't say this. You are my saviour in this cruel world, I'm very grateful to have you as my guide :D :D :3 XOXO"

Something tacky like that will do.

The said persons would probably fall into your trap, thinking that you acknowledge them as a superior. But at a second glance, they could eventually see that you are actually being sarcastic. Conveying your points via this method could save you from the worthless brat image they're trying to imply on you. At least you are being receptive of their 'superior' criticism and not acting all butthurt-y, innit? Besides, you are able to tell them, albeit discreetly, that they are not the only ones having vast knowledge about whatever heck they think you don't know, and that their opinions are not always right. Points conveyed, image preserved, what more can you ask for? XD

If you're asking, no, I'm not butthurt. I just felt that some people need to stop thinking that they are superior in all aspects, warranting them the rights to degrade others. And things need to be said, so I typed them down here. And of course, I'm not always right either, and I'm open to concrits; it's just that I felt being rude would negate the process of conveying points. Choose your words wisely, peeps.

inferiority

2010-07-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

seven over twenty.

apparently that's my current level. I am that bad in organisation.

and apparently, not knowing how to avoid yourself from exceeding the word limit is detrimental to any assignments.

alice in her dreamland

23 October

revamp

New wishlist (in no particular order)

Bersihkah?

KEEP CALM AND...

why do people fall in love

it's holiday, holiday, gotta get down on holiday!

feeling a bit nostalgic...

it's exam week but what the hell

best thing about living in NZ...

well, one can always try

could you define the word paranoiac

NRT

leaving lolita?

bitchin'

talking? what's that?

ozora!!!

entry tipikal seorang perempuan

this is why i don't wanna be a dentist

let's go back in the time machine... to ancient India...

dunedin

16 February

yes, i now have a dream journal

a pathetic attempt at drawing (also: Forever Alone.jpg)

you are me and i am you

Pseudoephedrine I Have Known And Hated (PIHKAH)

Shpongle - Ineffable Mysteries

i *cough cough* love older guys

thank you

three drives - greece 2000

aku sape nak komplen2

kucing

deep house fever

nak study kat new zealand? part 2 dan 3

nak study kat new zealand? edited version

philosophy of time travel

like any other blogs, a new year post

comic fiesta ohohoho

the ocean also dreams (a song meme - Goa trance version!)

entry marah

the bittersweet SACE result

permata hijrah? permata sadomasochism lah!

december loliday 2010 / sewing project completed!

a muslim lolita's dilemma

lucid dreaming (and dreaming in general)

old flame?

got nothing better to write

new song

cerekarama, feminism dan masochism

appropriate professions in the scientific field for Goa trance headz like me part 1

the grand dinner

a short one about BBW

maka dengan ini saya mengisytiharkan

change of plan

permohonan maaf

words

not a counter-attack

i take drugs

support Mr. Yan

blogger paling malas

selamat menyambut hari kemerdekaan

aku ada buat lagu

astronomy is awesome

sewing plans yet again

unweekly update

midnight randomization part deux

emotions are there for you to show it

midnight randomization

to you.

here's a dozen dead roses for you

one heck of a week

i told you

we all need a dose of DMT once in a while (it's in your body btw)

no drugs, just pure caffeine part 2

welcome to the wonderful world of hallucinogens

of being extra polite

inferiority

i cough cough love older guys