blackrose_inferioritycomplex

Ah, hey, sorry for the long absence.


I told you I'm not good in updating blogs (think I should give the credit to AUSMAT programme, but then again I think it's just me~~).


Say...the long drought of a decent blog post was mainly due to the fact that I'm in college now, so most of the time I'll be sitting on my desk shuffling through RM300++ worth of books (actual price may vary) instead of writing a journal. That, and the absence of a proper internet connection.


BUT...everything shall change now that, thanks to my dearest housemates, I'm now experiencing the wonders of w1max!





So on to my main topic.


Living in college was not something new to me. Of course, that sentence was a false statement, as I am not some kind of a maths wizard who attended Cambridge when I was 14 or so. What I meant with 'not something new' was that I had been away from my family for 5 straight years, so it's not alien anymore for me to live on my own along with 3 other girls. Yeah, yeah. BUT then again (my catchphrase?) when you're an ex-boarding school student with 5 years of spoon-feeding experience, college life (in terms of academic) can be quite scary. Hey, there's no Mr. XXXXX forcing us to study, there's no Ms. YYYYY to wake us up for Subuh prayer, there's no step-by-step demonstration on how to solve inequalities using sign diagram (or something like that. By the time I'm writing this, Maths has been haunting me for days). No more spoonfeeding, no more orders from adults, no seniority whatever.



But that's not the worst of all things.



The very worse, I should say, is the fact that you are no longer the superior and the special one in your community.



OMG!!!!!



And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, my inferiority complex.
According to Wikipedia, "an inferiority complex, in the fields of psychology and psychoanalysis, is a feeling that one is inferior to others in some way. Such feelings can arise from an imagined or actual inferiority in the afflicted person. It is often subconscious, and is thought to drive afflicted individuals to overcompensate, resulting either in spectacular achievement or extreme schizotypal behavior, or both. Unlike a normal feeling of inferiority, which can act as an incentive for achievement, an inferiority complex is an advanced state of discouragement, often resulting in a retreat from difficulties". (don't tell me this is plagiarism; I've cited properly already)

Sounds like I belong in a mental asylum? You betcha.

Problems arise as soon as I started lesson. I have learnt (in a hard way) that 7 months of idle-lic (a play on word based on 'idyllic') life is proven fatal to the brain cells (it has got to do with either iron (III) sulphate deposits, or the mass suicide by my neurones). All of sudden my elaborate piece of essay outline seemed minuscle compared to the others, with their incorporation of myriads of bizarre Anglo-Saxon words as well as intricate sentence structure that rivalled those of Shakespeare's (or Ernest Hemingway. Or Bram Stoker. Or whatever). What happened to those essays you used to wow the teachers with, Maya? At that point, my long-abandoned inferiority complex started creeping up slowly, and by the evening it had turned into a full-blown one.

I just so hate inferiority complex. It made me feel as if I was having a disintegrating mass of pink jelly for a brain.

But hey, a good news. I am a new Maya, and I shall not repeat the mistakes I have done in my past teenage years. So instead of whining all over again about my psychological disorder in this very blog, I will do something about it. No, I'm not going to have an appointment with a shrink (but I would be more than happy if you could be generous enough to sponsor my appointment), I'm going to change. Oh yeah. Change we can believe in. Like, so Obama.
The first step that I would like to take is to be less pessimistic. Pessimistic is cool for a goth, but nothing is good when you have too much of everything. From now on, instead of letting Subconscious repeating "I am a pathetic loser going down from her throne", I shall force it to say out loud "I can do this!". Um, sounds very Oprah/geeky physics student, but somebody's gotta do the grim task. It's better than self-mutilation anyway.

So there, this is my new-life-in-college resolution. Combat inferiority complex and change for the better. I wish I have enough capability to do it. See? I'm sounding pessimistic again! So, guys, you know me better than I do myself. Do you think I could make it?

Hope so.