Tuesday, April 24, 2018

you would probably find this difficult to understand if you don't know me well

Ah, I suddenly feel like an annoying person.
I mean, surely people have become tired of my ongoing Adrien-related ramblings? My housemates, and close friends especially. It's not like I have anything interesting to tell them about him anyway, most of the time it's about how I walked past him while on my way back home/ in a lecture and failed to utter a silent hello. That goes on for a number of times already.
If I'm not talking about him, I would probably talk about a few other guys I fancy here. That's so pathetic.

It's like I don't have any other things to be said. Well, I do, but who would listen to me babbling about the complex layered sounds produced by Simon Posford anyway? Or about how I found MRSA highly interesting, about the books I found at Scribes today, about my lucid dreaming-related hypotheses, about my desire to take up debating once again, about how I wish I was pretty, about how bummed I would feel if i couldn't get my hands on a lolita dress for next month's Dunedin Armageddon Expo, about ADHD and Ritalin, about pineal glands, melatonin production and circadian rhythm.

About how lonely I felt here in Dunedin.

Why would I feel lonely anyway? I'm not going to blame frustration phase, since I've been through that two months ago, surely there are no such things as recurring frustration phase aite? Not going to blame PMS either, since a girl can't be in her PMS stage for the whole 3 months. I guess it's my neurotic nature, but I'm not sure. Most of the time I would end up blaming myself for every single thing I deemed wrong, so I don't think I want to blame anybody/anything this time. Of course, that also means I would probably never find the culprit behind my feeling lonely whatsoever, but meh.

People ask me why I keep talking to myself. This is the reason.

But then, I guess I should be grateful. I could still get along with people here. I just hope things would not go wrong later - I have a long history of making things go wrong in terms of my relationships with people.


Last month marked my 2nd anniversary of being sober from cutting. Not going to say "sober from self-harm", because within that 2 years I think I did some stuffs that could be considered as 'self-harm'. Taking excessive medication, for example, although that's solely for the purpose of alleviating moderate pain (it's self-harm because I'm fully aware of the risks, yet I still did it). I'm quite proud of myself for being able to take control over the thing that I once thought could never be controlled, but I guess that's not really enough. Surely, I have stopped cutting myself, but have I stopped myself from viewing things in a pessimistic way?


On a somewhat related note (or perhaps not related at all), I can't seem to understand how some people thought it's best to ignore your emotions, and regard them as something of lesser importance. "You're not supposed to tell others you're pissed off/hurt/deeply upset. For God's sake find something else to distract you, keep those things to yourself", they would say. Dude, surely there's a reason why God gives us emotions - so that you know something's not right and that you need to take action on it. And just because you can't see them doesn't mean you should put them aside.I know some people have the amazing capability to control their emotions, but please, just because you could do so doesn't mean everybody else have the same capability. Keeping things to yourself is bad for your health - it increases your cortisol level and stuffs.


Apologies to people who are sick of Adrien or List of Guys Alice Like in Dunedin - I know you're not interested, so I shall stop.

Shit, I'm such an insensitive person. Should've noticed about this eons ago.

comic fiesta ohohoho

(a rather short one I guess)

I went to my first Comic Fiesta last week, on December 19th. I've always thought that going to CF would be an impossibility because I'm living in JB and the event is during my holidays (so that I can't go there straight from my college in Shah Alam), but this year I had found a perfect excuse to fork out RM70++ worth of bus fare to go to Shah Alam/KL: I had to take my SACE result slip. And oh, I also needed to go to Putrajaya to get a new SKB coz the one I made via post was invalid (all because of one effing number! Civil servants bukan kena buat eye check ke before masuk kerja?). But good thing though, two excuses to cover my main agenda (laughs menacingly).

Anyhoo, one reason why I was so hyped up about going to CF this year was because I participated in the Malaysian Lolita Club's lolita runway. Yep, you heard me right, lolita runway. My only experience in modelling clothes would be during this one 3K carnival hosted by JPKCA last year (lol), but then, I modelled 'the proper attire for an INTEC student' and not full-blown lolita. To make things worse, I was the only Muslim lolita wearing hijab on the runway because Najwa was free-haired as always and Chark decided to wear a wig because a hijab won't suit her gothic coord very well. As for me, there's no way I'm going to expose my hair to public so there you go, a tudung-wearing loli on stage (dah tau camtu apasal join jugak hoh).

I was supposed to wear my handmade sweet JSK but decided not to do so because 1) Chark cancelled her plan to twin with me, 2) I don't have enough time to assemble a decent coord with the JSK, 3) I bet there would be too many sweet girls joining already and 4) I somehow don't want to wear my new hooker white boots (a full 4 inches I guess ) on stage lol. So I just went with a half-gothic, half-classic coord instead (I seriously don't have a clue how to pigeonhole this coord).

petti was made the previous night...sebab tu kembang gila babas

*buat gaya Leo DiCaprio jalan*

Outfit rundown time!
JSK: Bodyline
Blouse (a cream-coloured one): Offbrand lucky find
Jacket: Peace Collections (from my aristo coord)
Mini top hat: from My One Shop (the same hat from my aristo coord)
Boots: Offbrand, from Sungei Wang
Rose brooch: Handmade
Accessories: Random offbrand finds

Also, here's the link to the egl post, in which you could find snapshots of other lolis as well (and a derpy shot of mine)

Aaaand of course we have a video!

(if you can catch what that guy was saying when I was on stage I'll give you a free cookie)

group shot! *lost in the sea of burando*

After the runway show, we had a mini meetup outside the ballroom, where I met Aira and a bunch of other Muslim lolitas, as well as other MLC members who do not participate in the runway

group shot once again!

with Aira!

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful for me, apart from having my lunch with a new set of lolita friends, and meeting Top (pelik eh? I was supposed to give him that Pirate Latitudes, and he was supposed to give me my Lost Symbol but neither of us managed to bring them so yeah, we just, uh 'dated' the whole day). I guess going to CF no longer excite me as much as I would do two or three years ago (during the height of my anime obsessions... I'm way mellower nowadays). But still, it was fun joining the runway and meeting new friends, and changing my perception towards several people (don't ask!). Too bad we weren't able to have a proper meetup with the Muslim lolita girls that day. But yeah, meeting all of them is enough already, and I'm looking forward to joining the next MLC/Muslim lolita meetup. Perhaps one more before I fly to New Zealand? *hint hint*

Till next time!

Monday, April 23, 2018

aku sape nak komplen2

I feel like leaving lolita until I graduate. Bukan apa, sejak aku minat lolita ni aku mempunyai ilusi yang aku 'cukup kaya' untuk beli baju-baju yang ratus-ratus tu (walaupun baju aku yang mencecah harga ratus hanya 2 - one Bodyline blouse and one Baby JSK, but still, you get my point). Disebabkan aku minat benda ni la aku sanggup melanggar rule Jangan Lebih RM50 tu. Dan disebabkan aku minat benda ni, minat aku terhadap fesyen2 lain makin lama makin accumulate, menyebabkan aku melakukan compulsive buying setiap kali pergi shopping complex. Tambah lagi dengan shoes addiction la, accessories addiction la hape la, memang banyak duit aku dah buang. Kalau mak bapak aku kaya takpe la, ini cukup-cukup je. Aku pulak shopping macam la bapak aku CEO syarikat. Agaknya kalau aku simpan duit dari awal, beli baju dan kasut setahun 2 kali, tak beli barang-barang lolita bagai tu, aku dah boleh simpan cukup duit untuk bayar yuran Toroa. Sekarang ni dah sempit baru nak mengomel salahkan JPA la, salahkan Otago la. Padahal memang salah aku sendiri. Yelah, salah sendiri sebab walaupun JPA tak bagitau awal-awal yang diorang memang tak bagi duit for that, aku patutnya aware yang study overseas ni memerlukan duit yang banyak. Memanglah aku ade save duit scholarship (target konon RM1000 satu sem- habuk la RM1000), tapi tu pun dah habis buat bayar deposit Toroa dah - maknanya sikit la savings aku. Reluctant2 beli barang pun tak boleh save duit eh, pelik betul. Benda2 style2 ni tak penting pun - orang lain tak stylish pun boleh je berjaya dalam hidup. Memanglah tak salah beli baju bergaya, tapi kalau dah tak sesuai dengan financial status sendiri itu dah jadik salah dude.

Sekarang ni kena sapu licin duit mak untuk bayar Toroa fees. Dah menyusahkan mak pulak. Duit tu dia nak guna beli rumah pulak tu. Haih. Nak pinjam sedara mara memang mintak maaf la. Nama je profesor la, pengarah hamendefirma la, hape la, tapi kedekut nak mampus. Memang betul, kalau kita susah dan memerlukan, takde sape pun nak pandang hatta sebelah mata sekalipun. Bila dah kaya semua nak ngaku sedara. Time tu aku akan tendang sorang-sorang sambil lemparkan kata-kata kesat. I long for that moment.

Sesiapa nak beli semua barang-barang lolita aku? Aku ada blouse Bodyline, JSK Baby n Bodyline, 2 pasang boots (hitam n putih), satu handmade JSK, bonnet Baby, beberapa altered offbrand JSK/OP, er... La sikit jugak barang lolita aku eh? Pelik.

it's exam week but what the hell

Guess what I'll be doing this winter break?

Cancelling my plan to go to Christchurch! I'm going to use this baby of mine!


And guess what I'll be sewing?

A freakin lolita JSK of course!

But that depends, really, because I'm yet to find affordable fabric (average price here is $20/metre, back in Malaysia I can get 4 metres of awesome floral printed cotton with $20 you know???). Will probably spend $100 worth of taxpayers' money to complete this project, hahaha.

Loli project will have to wait till I finish my exam, though. CELS this Monday, Chem on Wednesday, Physics on Friday (kenapa killer subject mesti last sekali???) and then it's FUN FUN FUN FUN LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND


p/s: I'm staying up to study for CELS (teh horror!) and look what I found amidst tons of lecture handouts. Hahaha!

Fangirling is okay (Philosopher, 2011)

Pray for me, please. As much as I love pharmtox, I don't want to go through the whole contract signing processes again should I fail Health Sciences First Year. Need to get an average of B. That's difficult man, considering I have ADD (lol!) and can't sit on my desk studying for hours without being distracted by the thoughts of spinning poi. Really hope I can get at least one A and no C. A+ sounds better though.

See you in a week's time!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

23 October

This post is for my friend, one of my best ones, the coolest person I've ever known personally in my whole life. She whose unique insights on life changed those of my own, whose myriads of wonderful books expanded my reading list, whose exquisite taste in music enriched mine, whose talent and passion for art never failed to amaze me, whose beautiful poetries cheered me up and made me wonder, whose patience with my immature antics made me learn, whose sincere help brought me out of misery at times when I didn't know who else can I turn to, whose genuine friendship rekindled my hope. She whose 20th birthday is today.

Happy birthday dear Leana. Age is not just a number, it is also Experience, Maturity and Wisdom. May Allah bless you always, and in everything that you do. Sucks that I didn't get to give you a handwritten letter, but I got Julian to write something for you. Hope that will suffice :P See you this summer :D

Sunday, October 2, 2011


A two-month long hiatus broken with a post about the said hiatus. How meta.

Blog is revamped, because that's what I usually do every time I came back from a hiatus. Not content with needing to manage two separate blogs, I now have a tumblr. What better thing to do on a quiet Friday night than scrolling through 43 pages on my dashboard and reblogging the hell out of Cute Boys with Cats? (They have Dave Franco!!!)

It's spring now in Dunedin, which is the awesomest, because spring is my favourite season. That's not entirely true though, because I like winter even more - you get to wear your loveliest winter coats, and see gorgeous guys wearing blazers and vampiric long coats. Eh. Also, if you're lucky, you get to experience snow. Thank Allah, I am one of them lucky ones - it snowed twice here in Dunedin.

Snow fight!

Ah, I miss winter. I might be complaining about the temperature all the time, but at least I could experience things that I could only dream of. Now that the temperature's getting hotter, I have to ditch my coats and blazers aside. I often found myself going out feeling naked because I'm so used to having an extra layer of clothing over my usual jeans and t-shirt combo.  But then, Allah gave me something even better - a chance to witness thousands of flowers blooming before my very eyes.

pics by Linda. I forgot to transfer mine.

The flowers are just beginning to bloom, so at this point there's not much of them save for some lovely rhododendrons, sakura (which are very short-lived and are getting lesser and lesser day by day), daffodils (a whole field of them!) and other random flowers we found at the Botanic Gardens. We're still waiting for tulips and roses - I think by the time we finish our final exams, they'll be blooming like crazy and Dunedin will be much more colourful. I can't wait.

Social relationship-wise, I made new friends, which is always a good thing. I'm still trying to polish my conversational English, although I do still stutter quite a lot. And I get to talk to poi girl! At last! Hahaha. I was doing five-beat weave aimlessly in front of Clocktower one sunny afternoon when she suddenly approached me and asked where did I get my poi. Got some cool new moves from her as well. 

Talk about poi, meet my Cheshire Poi, Bella and Belly :D

So yeah, I guess that's it. It's 12.35 am now and I need to go to sleep. If I don't update for the next couple of months, you can always visit me on my tumblr. I've got lots of psychedelic pictures there, they're good for your eyes hahaha. Till next time.


Thursday, August 4, 2011

New wishlist (in no particular order)

  1. Shpongle!!!
  2. A pair of LED poi.
  3. If that's too expensive, a pair of psychedelic striped poi
  4. PiHKAL
  5. LSD My Problem Child
  6. Some Bodyline stuffs, especially this bag
  7. Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming
  8. A new mp3 player, preferably 4GB coz my 4-year-old one buat hal
  9. Something decent from Dream of Lolita (I'm still drooling over Melty Chocolate btw)
  10. A dreamcatcher
  11. Psychedelic tapestries :D
  12. Lovely cotton fabric, like these
  13. Any kind of cotton as long as I can make a dress out of it
  14. Yardley English Rose. It's been long since I use that
  15. A loliable black blouse
  16. A loliable anything. Preferably classic/aristocrat stuffs
  17. A gorgeous coat. One that reminds me of Moi-meme-Moitie. Perhaps something like this or this
  18. A mini sewing machine
  19. Hippie chic jewelleries & clothing
  20. Can I ask for Isaac here? XDDDDDD
  21. More rings! Hahahahaha
  22. A make up set
  23. Melatonin + choline + B6 pills for my dreams
  24. A new dream journal. Yang lama dah nak penuh
  25. All A's for this sem. Get into Pharmacy School. Failing that, get into Pharmtox Department
  26. More shoes
  27. I need my 10 lucid dreams per month back
  28. Supply of legal psychoactives. Pseudoephedrine. Salvia (lol jk!)
  29. DJ set
  30. Digital camera
  31. As usual, Raphael.

I get what I want. Insya-Allah. (Including that Raphael part hahaha!)