you would probably find this difficult to understand if you don't know me well

Ah, I suddenly feel like an annoying person.

I mean, surely people have become tired of my ongoing Adrien-related ramblings? My housemates, and close friends especially. It's not like I have anything interesting to tell them about him anyway, most of the time it's about how I walked past him while on my way back home/ in a lecture and failed to utter a silent hello. That goes on for a number of times already.

If I'm not talking about him, I would probably talk about a few other guys I fancy here. That's so pathetic.

It's like I don't have any other things to be said. Well, I do, but who would listen to me babbling about the complex layered sounds produced by Simon Posford anyway? Or about how I found MRSA highly interesting, about the books I found at Scribes today, about my lucid dreaming-related hypotheses, about my desire to take up debating once again, about how I wish I was pretty, about how bummed I would feel if i couldn't get my hands on a lolita dress for next month's Dunedin Armageddon Expo, about ADHD and Ritalin, about pineal glands, melatonin production and circadian rhythm.

About how lonely I felt here in Dunedin.

Why would I feel lonely anyway? I'm not going to blame frustration phase, since I've been through that two months ago, surely there are no such things as recurring frustration phase aite? Not going to blame PMS either, since a girl can't be in her PMS stage for the whole 3 months. I guess it's my neurotic nature, but I'm not sure. Most of the time I would end up blaming myself for every single thing I deemed wrong, so I don't think I want to blame anybody/anything this time. Of course, that also means I would probably never find the culprit behind my feeling lonely whatsoever, but meh.

People ask me why I keep talking to myself. This is the reason.

But then, I guess I should be grateful. I could still get along with people here. I just hope things would not go wrong later - I have a long history of making things go wrong in terms of my relationships with people.

*********

Last month marked my 2nd anniversary of being sober from cutting. Not going to say "sober from self-harm", because within that 2 years I think I did some stuffs that could be considered as 'self-harm'. Taking excessive medication, for example, although that's solely for the purpose of alleviating moderate pain (it's self-harm because I'm fully aware of the risks, yet I still did it). I'm quite proud of myself for being able to take control over the thing that I once thought could never be controlled, but I guess that's not really enough. Surely, I have stopped cutting myself, but have I stopped myself from viewing things in a pessimistic way?

*********

On a somewhat related note (or perhaps not related at all), I can't seem to understand how some people thought it's best to ignore your emotions, and regard them as something of lesser importance. "You're not supposed to tell others you're pissed off/hurt/deeply upset. For God's sake find something else to distract you, keep those things to yourself", they would say. Dude, surely there's a reason why God gives us emotions - so that you know something's not right and that you need to take action on it. And just because you can't see them doesn't mean you should put them aside.I know some people have the amazing capability to control their emotions, but please, just because you could do so doesn't mean everybody else have the same capability. Keeping things to yourself is bad for your health - it increases your cortisol level and stuffs.

********

Apologies to people who are sick of Adrien or List of Guys Alice Like in Dunedin - I know you're not interested, so I shall stop.

Shit, I'm such an insensitive person. Should've noticed about this eons ago.

Alice

it's exam week but what the hell

Guess what I'll be doing this winter break?

Cancelling my plan to go to Christchurch! I'm going to use this baby of mine!

FINALLY AFTER WAITING FOR 2 YEARS

And guess what I'll be sewing?

A freakin lolita JSK of course!

But that depends, really, because I'm yet to find affordable fabric (average price here is $20/metre, back in Malaysia I can get 4 metres of awesome floral printed cotton with $20 you know???). Will probably spend $100 worth of taxpayers' money to complete this project, hahaha.

Loli project will have to wait till I finish my exam, though. CELS this Monday, Chem on Wednesday, Physics on Friday (kenapa killer subject mesti last sekali???) and then it's FUN FUN FUN FUN LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL NOW REBECCA

p/s: I'm staying up to study for CELS (teh horror!) and look what I found amidst tons of lecture handouts. Hahaha!

Fangirling is okay (Philosopher, 2011)

Pray for me, please. As much as I love pharmtox, I don't want to go through the whole contract signing processes again should I fail Health Sciences First Year. Need to get an average of B. That's difficult man, considering I have ADD (lol!) and can't sit on my desk studying for hours without being distracted by the thoughts of spinning poi. Really hope I can get at least one A and no C. A+ sounds better though.

See you in a week's time!

Alice

feeling a bit nostalgic...

...I decided to compile a list of songs which can make me feel nostalgic. I'm freaky like that, hahaha!

Taste Experience - Summersault: Reminds me of the time when me and my youngest bro could still get along and do things without feeling awkward. I taught him to play the song on my keyboard so that we could play duet.

Funny - Sing A Song (All Night Long): Despite the sheer ridiculousness of this song, I really love this! This is one of my first favourite dance music song. Back when I was 8 or 9, this song was played everywhere, especially at dollar stores (they tend to play lots of crappy Ah Beng nu-italo disco stuffs like that). I remember getting all excited when I heard this song played in a pirated CD shop, and proceeded to ask the salesgirl the title of the song. Of course she didn't know it lol. 11 years later, I rediscovered this song from Ishkur's Guide to Electronic Music. Took me 11 freaking years to search for a ridiculously addictive nu-Italo disco track!

Astral Projection - Mahadeva: My very first Goa trance exposure. Found this on Astral Projection's official website in 2003. Before the advent of Celcom Broadband and affordable mp3 players, I had fun blasting this song on my neighbourhood cyber cafe's faulty speakers, much to the dismay of rempit guys sitting beside me.

Push - Strange World: This was on my first ever dance music cassette, bought in 2002 from my kampung's pasar malam (of course it's pirated, duh). Cassettes are effin annoying - this is my favourite song from the compilation, but replaying it was a pain in the ass (mechanical forward/rewind and stuff, have to be very precise kalau tak nanti terlajak). Thank God for mp3s!

Ian van Dahl - Castles in the Sky: Discovered this from The Official UK Top 40. They used to have this on hitz.fm every Saturday, and I would spend my Saturday evening glued to the radio, religiously jotting down every single dance music songs appearing on the chart (songs from the likes of Flip N Fill, N-Trance, Kelly Llorenna, Scooter, occasional Prodigy). This song reminds me of the times when I had to stay at dad's mother's house, zaman-zaman merempat dulu. Still a cool song though.

4 Strings - Take Me Away: Back then when I had to stay at my maternal grandmother's house, I worked as waitress at grandma's food stall in Gunung Ledang. Johor FM was the official radio station at the food stall, playing the latest Malay hits and lengthy news segments. Odd enough, in between songs and DJs babbling about random stuffs, they played an instrumental version of this song.

Daft Punk - One More Time: I think this came out when I was 9 or 10, no? I was particularly excited about it receiving airplay on commercial radio stations like hitz.fm (it was even on their daily chart! How cool is that?) Back then I was obsessed with songs with vocodered vox, so naturally Daft Punk became my instant obsession.

Cosmos - Take Me With You: From good ol' Essential Selection circa 2001, used to be on Red FM every Friday at 10 pm. Again, kept me glued to the radio until midnight. Friday night was my dance music marathon night, with Wicked playing house and trance from 8 pm, followed by Essential Selection at 10. Those were the times when my only source of dance music was from commercial radio stations, and good thing Red FM had a dedicated dance music segment every weeknights.

Holden & Thompson - Nothing: When I was in Form 1, I was too noob to go back to JB from my school at Kuala Pilah on my own, so dad had to fetch me. He would take a bus to Seremban, and then I would follow him back home by bus. Basically the monthly cost of me going back home would be doubled, because he had to accompany me on my journey. I don't know how I could do that to my dad (hey, I was not the one asking for it). Anyhoo, one unfortunate evening (the day before Raya holiday), dad came and fetch me as usual, but by the time we reached Seremban, there were no tickets left to Johor Bahru. Not even a single ticket, bas tambahan pun takde. No choice left, we had to take a taxi, which costed around RM200 to JB. Thank God there was one unfortunate uncle who also had to go back to JB by taxi, so dad only had to pay RM130 (was still very expensive though). I felt like crying once we're in the taxi, and that's when this song came up on the radio. I still remember every single thing happening on that day every time I play this song. *cries*

Terry Bones vs Fred Baker - Return to Innocence: Form 1. It's either the bus, or dad fetching me all the way from JB by motorcycle. Yep, I'm not bluffing, I used to have several 300km+ journey from Kuala Pilah to JB, and back to Kuala Pilah again by motorcycle when it was time to go back. Come rain or shine, dad would spend a total of 24 hours to and fro Kuala Pilah on the road (6 hours from JB to KP, 6 hours with me from KP to JB, they cycle is repeated again when it's time to return to school). It must be very tiring for him. I'm such a terrible daughter. Anyhoo, the song. I used to listen to this song on one of those journeys, courtesy of Wicked. It was barely audible though, masked by the sounds of motorcycle engine and wind blowing past us.

Brother Brown - Under the Water and Chungking - Making Music: By the time I was in Form 2, I can finally go back home by bus on my own. My journey usually took 6 hours, and by the time I reach JB, it was already 9 pm. I spent the last hour of my journey listening to Wicked, and songs like these usually came up at the beginning of the show. Best part of the journey.

Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful: What? Of course I do listen to stuffs other than dance music! Again, discovered this song from The Official UK Top 40, one rainy Saturday night, in my late grandpa's van while on my way back from shopping at Tangkak. This is a very strange and beautiful song indeed, but it has now became my official stalking song. Most people I like are strange anyway, so yeah. Hahahaha.

Adele - Hometown Glory: I forgot when exactly did I first listen to this song, but this song is nostalgic for a reason. It's the song me and Leana performed on INTEC's Got Talent (we didn't even get to the final stage, though). So basically, this song reminds me of her. Aw, rindu lah.

I think that's all for now. I have lots of other nostalgic songs to be included, but meh. Exam, exam. In the meantime, what's your list of nostalgic songs?

Off to study Chem

Alice

well, one can always try

Aku masuk pertandingan lagu puisi. How freaky is that?? I mean, okay I can always compose the songs via FL and stuffs, I have a reservoir of melodies on my head anyway, tapi nak tulis lirik dalam bentuk puisi? Dalam bahasa Melayu?? Like heck! Aku kalau bab bunga-bunga ni lemah sikit actually. Aku pun tak tau kenapa aku boleh ambil keputusan separa suicide dengan menerima tawaran Zariq untuk masuk benda lagu puisi bagai tu. Tangguh punya tangguh, sampai ke sudah aku tak siap lagi apa-apa.

Sampaila semalam. Dalam keadaan separa sedar lepas bangun dari tidur (hypnagogia maybe), aku tiba-tiba dapat ilham dalam bentuk random sets of words. So petang tu aku cuba tulis satu-satu, susun elok-elok. Cubaan pertama gila babas punya clichéd, ala-ala sajak aku tulis zaman Form 3 dulu ('jalan penuh duka, raungan kedengaran di mana-mana', stuffs like that). Tak tau la kalau ini pun boleh kira clichéd jugak, but oh well. Dah tak sempat, pertandingan tu Sabtu ni.

Seka Air Matamu

oleh Vryzzer

Sunyi

Walau bibir menguntum senyum tapi di jiwa tiada apa

Sunyi

Satu-satu menjadi debu, yang tinggal hanya rongga

Walau kau kata sinar itu ada, mengapa aku tak upaya

Hanya kelam yang aku rasa

Ini luahan si gadis sunti

Yang hatinya luluh dilanyak realiti

Katanya manusia itu hanya topengan

Mulia luaran disebalik kebinatangan

Rakus politikus menghenyak segala cita-cita

Cita untuk melihat hapusnya duka

Cita untuk mengecap indahnya cinta

Manusia itu apa?

Yang menoda tanah pusaka bangsa

Katanya tak apa, ini hak kita

Yang pengecut menikus tanpa bicara

Katanya tak apa, ini hal mereka

Biarkan sahaja, biarkan sahaja!

Manusia itu apa?

Yang obsesi merajai diri

Kata mereka, aku punya suka

Yang berkuasa mereka buta

Kata mereka, aku upaya

Biarkan sahaja, biarkan sahaja!

Lalu gadis sunti itu diam di situ

Bergenang matanya memandang sepi

Kukatakan padanya, seka air matamu

Kerna yakinlah, janji Tuhan itu pasti

If you're wondering, tema lagu puisi ini ialah kemanusiaan yang hilang. Ada la sikit2 pasal Palestin kot. Huaaaaaaaaaa maluuuuuu

Nanti lagu full aku upload kat Soundcloud.

Alice

could you define the word paranoiac

I used to think Younger Brother was not as awesome as Simon's other projects, probably because they don't really make Shpongle-tinged psychedelic ambient (unlike Celtic Cross, Purple Om, Mystery of the Yeti and Dub Trees). Younger Brother features sounds that you wouldn't expect coming from the great Simon Posford himself. I mean, Simon is synonymous with psychedelic ambient and Goa trance, he wouldn't possibly produce stuffs that sound like a marriage between Pink Floyd and Coldplay innit? The "un-psybientness" is especially prominent in their latest album Vaccine, where you could actually get Ru singing like he's freaking Chris Martin. But after exploring their tracks pre-Vaccine, I actually found them highly interesting. After all, the whole Pink Floyd-ness vibe is not that bad, I like Pink Floyd. And by making something outside the usual Goa-psy spectrum, more people are aware of the existence of the musical genius that is Simon Posford. Let's just hope he won't end up being the psybient version of Infected Mushroom - too much mainstream exposure can be bad for the imagination (what the hell do they have in mind - a 3 1/2 minute-long psy track???).

'All I Want' is my current favourite YB track, because it's rather psychedelic and has that distinctive Simon + Benji vibe presented in a refreshing way. And Loituma samples - who would've thought of putting that? I also love the vocal samples in the beginning of the track - weird accent, weirdly beautiful. Paranoiac critical method. Awesome.

Talk about paranoiac, 'Adrien having a girlfriend already' is another one of my paranoid assumption. But still, there are possibilities. I didn't know why I was so upset about it - I realized he's too far-fetched for me. Maybe this whole incident reminds me of the things that happened during my school days. I did not feel disappointed, I feel humiliated. This is exactly the reason why I don't want to make the first move (and by first move, I didn't mean flirting whatsoever. I was just sending an innocent message saying hello for God's sake!). When I eventually did, bad things happened. Like that one time when I tried to befriend Ezra, my schoolmate. And shit like these actually decreased my self-esteem further. I mean, am I that repulsive or what? Too eccentric weird? Too ugly? I know this sounded like me circa 2006 (or like any random 15-year-old girls with raging hormones. I should feel ashamed because I'm an effin adult now, I'm 20), but hell.

Anyhoo, to make myself feel better, I made a list on why I deserve someone better than Adrien. Among other things, I included 'fckin womaniser', 'drinks alcohol', 'not a fellow dreamer', 'not a spitting image of Raphael because Raphael is WAY better than that' and 'doesn't even know freakin Shpongle!!! Are you fckin kidding me!!! And he calls himself alty!!!' in my list. Now that really made me feel better!

On the bright side, looks like my New Year Resolution #15 will stay intact, thank God for that. I don't think I will ever have the desire to, um, look for potential campus crushes or anything after this. As the Malay saying goes, I don't want banana to fruit two times (pisang berbuah dua kali HAHAHAHAHAHA!!). 'Sides, going to class for the sake of eyeing your crush sangat menyimpang okeh. Belajar tak ikhlas.

Excuse me while I go and find Raph in my dreams.

Alice

bitchin'

We live in a world where physical appearances are much better appreciated than 'what's behind the curtains'. That's why we have girls putting their duckfaced pictures on their blog headers, trying their best to look like HanaYunaTajimaWhatever in every single shots. No, I don't have any specific opinions regarding these girls, although sometimes I do feel they have gone overboard.

But that's not my point. My point is, how often do you find a person attractive due to his or her quirkiness? Or, since quirkiness may only appeal to a small subset of the community, his or her charisma? Flair? Attitude? Most people would definitely go for what they could perceive with their naked eye. Having said that, if you are born pretty, or somehow found a way to make yourself look pretty, you will most likely be the subject of admiration for many people. Yep, I know, I'm merely restating an obvious fact; there's nothing new here. But how about those who did not have beauty (or physical attractiveness, at least, considering the word 'beauty' is so damn subjective) as their asset? Sure, someone would eventually notice that hidden, skin-deep beauty within them, but can you guarantee that they won't suffer from serious inferiority complex/ lack of self-esteem before that happens?

And guys still question why girls wear makeup and Hana Tajima-inspired outfits.

While we're at it, is quirkiness a turn-off?

Alice

talking? what's that?

I can't have a decent conversation with people.

No really, I can't.

No, I'm not trying to be pessimistic and start a two-page rant about my non-existent social skills, but that's the reality.

It's one of the many things I can't do well in life. Whenever I found myself engaged in conversations with people I'm unfamiliar with, things get awkward in a matter of seconds. Either I began babbling incoherently about things that are not worth mentioning (most of the time about myself - I'm self-centered like that lol), or I started stuttering while trying to say simple phrases like "How's your Physics test?", or the conversation died after two clichéd questions.

Example:

Me: Hi there, can I be your lab partner?

Girl: Sure, that'll be cool.

Me: So... what's your name?

Girl: I'm ____. And you?

Me: I'm Fatimah :D *forced smile, barely audible*

Girl: Oh, Tina?

Me: No, it's F-Fatimah *stutters* Just call me Tim.

Girl: Oh, alright then Tim.

*long pause, us doing our own thing*

Me: Sooo... where do you come from?

Girl: I'm from Auckland. You:

Me: I'm from Malaysia.

Girl: Cool! Malaysia is a lovely country.

Me: You think so?

Girl: Yeah, I like Malaysia.

Me: Cool!

*another long pause*

Me: Do you live in a residential college? (well duh, that's obviously a lame question because all first year students are required to stay in a residential college)

Girl: Yup, I'm staying at X College. Where do you live at?

Me: Ah, I'm staying at T-Toroa College *stutters again*

Girl: Sorry?

Me: Toroa, it's quite far from here, um, ah... *trying to find words to describe where exactly is the location of my college* ...near St David.

Girl: Cool! So you wanna stir this chemicals first?

*long pause lasted until the end of the lab*

Like heck. That happens in most of my labs, particularly one in which I don't have a permanent lab partner and none of my fellow Malaysian friends are around (yes, I'm talking about CELS here). Explaining something requires tremendous amount of effort, and even with all those precautionary measures I've taken (arranging my words carefully before blurting them out, making sure I know what I want to talk about, translating them properly from Malay to English) I still can't speak properly. I stuttered. I lost my words in the middle of a sentence. I don't have any freaking topics to be brought up. In the end, I kept my mouth shut, trying my best to keep conversations with other people minimal, all the while making myself look like an extremely snobbish person who doesn't want any kinds of human interaction.

That sucks, because if people don't start talking to me, there's no way I'm going to start talking to them. I really wanted to make friends with people in my class other than fellow Malaysian students and the occasional Bruneians, but that simply won't happen because, well, there's no way they're going to say hi to a socially-challenged Asian girl like me. And there's no way I'm going to start that too, because I fear things will get awkward. Like that time when I decided to become friendly enough and said hi to an Indian girl who always sit beside me during HUBS lecture. Suffice to say I never found her sitting beside me again.

Maybe my English just sucks, hence me not being able to have a decent conversation with people whose mother tongue is English. But then again I found myself extremely conversant when I'm talking to myself. Doesn't matter if I didn't 'arrange' the words prior to speaking or anything, I can easily deliver a 10-minute non-stop impromptu public speaking session when I'm alone in my room, no stuttering whatsoever. I'm too shy? Hell no, I was never a shy person, nor I was born to be one. Mom once told me that when I was 4, I was the one entertaining our guests with my non-stop rants and my tendency to break into a Michael Jackson-inspired dance in public (I still do that dance-in-public thingy nowadays- only this time, instead of moonwalks I prefer hippie trance dance). I still don't know what happened during my pre-adolescent years that made me transform into the socially awkward person that I am today, but one thing I'm certain, they involved things like 'being ostracized' and 'damned paternal family who did nothing apart from making our lives more miserable day by day'. Wait, that last part didn't have anything to do with being socially awkward, but meh.

Last two days I had a very long 'conversation' with myself, trying to discover what I could do to fix this particular problem of mine. Among other things, I realized that I worry too much on what people think about myself. Like, "OMG I stutter every time I speak, they must think I'm retarded or something, how can I live like this OMG OMG" I focus too much on perfecting the 'cosmetic' side of conversation (i.e. slang, intonation, pronunciation, body language), while paying little attention on the essence of the conversation itself. Seriously, you can still talk to people and give the impression that you are one friendly girl willing to make friends with others even when your English is not Band 7 material. I've seen that in action. And gosh, I kept thinking about "what if things end up being awkward?" instead of thinking about the positive outcome of the conversation. FGS what's the worst thing that could happen? People may think I have the weirdest accent ever, maaaaaybe with some problems pronouncing my R's and S's, and slightly exaggerated facial expressions, but that adds up to my eccentricity, and I love being eccentric. I may end up talking to an equally eccentric person (like that poi-playing girl in my class - seriously, I should talk to her one of these days, I like poi), maybe even finding someone who actually knows what the hell is Shpongle (hint: someone = not Adrien).

I'll start with that psy guy in my chem lab next week. And maybe Adrien after that. After all, I need to explain to him that the ever elusive 'Shy Siti' is not Alia, even though she does seem to be shyer than me.

Mark my words.

Alice

a pathetic attempt at drawing (also: Forever Alone.jpg)

I don't have much talent in drawing compared to my bro, but I do love em. When I couldn't be bothered to draw proper anatomy, I draw people with round heads and specs. This is my signature style ever since I was in Form 1.
And yeah, my stroke is a bit messy. :P

I think you can click on them to have a better view. Enjoy!

Alice :D

philosophy of time travel

Hi there. Went back from Shah Alam earlier today, for my Merit Certificate Ceremony something. Left JB yesterday with a crippling abdominal pain, and after a brief consultation with the doctor at Klinik Waqaf An-Nur (which is an awesome clinic, especially if you have financial difficulties), I was finally diagnosed with gastritis. Uh, well, I've been diagnosing myself with gastritis since forever, but yeah, never had any official diagnosis until now. So thanks to the crippling pain, I'm now on cimetidine and hyoscine butylbromide and finally, my hypochondriac self-diagnosis is certified to be true. So kids, if by any chance you're interested in self-harming to get attention whatsoever in your early teenage years, do not choose to starve yourself. Don't skip breakfast. And don't attempt to get overdosed on NSAIDs (uh, not that I've ever taken NSAIDs before - paracetamol is not anti-inflammatory - nor do I ever attempt to OD on any drugs, but you get my point). Pesanan penaja ini dibawa khas oleh Kementerian Kesihatan. Baca label sebelum menggunakan ubat.

Uh, where were we? Oh yeah, the Merit Cert thingie. Like I've mentioned in my previous posts, I was hoping for a merit, but definitely didn't expect two merits, especially when one of them is for the dreaded ESLS. Hell, I didn't even bother to check my grandma here kot! Thank Allah for that. Turns out I was among those People You Wouldn't Expect to Get Merit Whatsoever, i.e. not in the same category as Jeffrey and Hajar. Definitely not in the same category as Jeffrey. He whom the Director of INTEC knows personally, who have awesome people skills, who went around giving cards to every single AUSMAT lecturers, who have mesmerizing voice. Eh wait, I didn't mean to sound jealous or whatever la, I was just pointing out the obvious. Those who follow my Findings From My Anthology Studies series will understand that those who can connect with people better, and have superior interpersonal skills, will more likely be successful in whatever they're doing compared to their antisocial-ish peers. Individualism is a thing of the past, and since people are so engrossed with teamwork and stuffs like that nowadays, interpersonal skill is what you MUST have in order to survive. In other words, they didn't care about your natural tendency to be shy or among people, you have to shove your true personality aside and blend with the rest of the fake smiling crowd to climb the corporate ladder. I honestly think that while some people may be born with that natural charm, many people merely pretend to be 'friendly' for their own good. Doesn't matter if you don't like certain individuals, just wear that fake smile to portray that 'pleasant' imagery of yours, and people will start worshipping you in no time. No, this has nothing to do with Jeffrey at all. Just something I've been thinking for a very long time.

But then again, what you might refer as 'your default personality' may not even be default at all. Some people claim that it's in their blood, it can't be helped that they're not people friendly like the rest of their peers, that God has made them that way and there's no way to change it. Very few people realize that personalities are decided by our own self. We are the one who determine who we want to be, what sort of responsibility do we want to hold, our reasons to live in this world. To quote the philosophy professor in Waking Life: "... we should never simply write ourselves off or see each other as a victim of various forces. It's always our decision who we are." So I guess you could decide whether or not you want to be quiet, or talkative, or rebellious. What you are today may be determined by your actions and decisions in your earlier stage of life (I always thought that one of the reasons why I seem to be very very quiet is because I couldn't be bothered to connect with people back then when I was younger. This resulted in me refusing to make any effort to be friendly or learn vital social skills, hence making the the socially awkward person that I am today.) I guess you could even apply this to them "Saya Gay, Saya OK" people out there. You choose your own destiny and what you want to be peeps. Don't blame natural selection whatsoever in this case.

Wow, those are some seriously detached writings I've got there. I can never write a full book based from my dissertation later (what book? the "Fighting Rhinitis By Gene Therapy Which Is Absurd Because Histamines Are Part Of Our Defence Mechanism"?"Immunotoxicology For Dummies"?). Anyhoo, title is such because I've been highly interested in the theory of wormholes these days. Maybe it's influenced by Fringe, or John Connolly's The Gates, or Crichton's Sphere, or all those CERN- and quantum physics-related stuffs (and Goa stuffs - you would be amazed) I've been Googling for the past few weeks, but I do find them interesting. There's an infinite number of parallel universe multiverse, and by travelling through wormholes you might be able to travel to other bizarre places. Like the fifth dimension, or the universe where everybody still wear neon leotards and have bad mullets, or someplace where you can have Salviatrip just by breathing in air. The possibilities are endless. I would love to go back to the Rococo era, but that would be too clichéd for a lolita like me. Maybe that universe with Salvia-saturated atmosphere would be awesome. I would be happy to travel to that universe hahaha.

Thanks for reading by the way despite me being in my twisted mood

Alice

aku ada buat lagu

tapi sayangnya aku tak boleh kongsi dengan orang sebab aku tak boleh upload mp3 kat mana-mana site (tak tau sebab apa). Nak post lirik pun tak boleh sebab dah nama memang tak ada lirik kan. Lagu tu tak awesome mana; 4 layers, ada synth dua, bass satu, pads satu cukuplah. Dah nama pun noob kan. 8 bars of melodies diulang-ulang barang cukup 3 minit. Itulah dance music ambient pada tahap paling basic, terma kasih kepada FruityLoops.

Kenapa aku tulis ni?

Sebab aku kagum dengan mereka yang tulis dan buat lagu sendiri. Ini tak hanya merujuk kepada dance music artists. Orang terdekat pun ramai. Adik aku misalnya. Aiman Black pun hebat.

Satu hari nanti aku akan dapatkan Ableton Reason dan buat lagu sekompleks Shpongle. Paling koman pun, brush up aku punya FL skills supaya aku tau macamana nak vocoderkan suara aku guna that damned Vocodex (salah aku ke salah soundcard aku tak tau). Semalam aku baru discover macamana nak guna Fruity Love Philter. Sungguh pathetic. Kau fikir bagi seseorang yang minat dance music, lagu-lagu yang aku buat mesti at least ada a brief session of filter. Filter sungguh awesome. Aku berjaya remake I Feel Love menjadi lebih housey (acid synth boleh dikira housey kah?).

postscript: Minggu depan balik. Aku rindu mak. Rindu bapak. Rindu adik-adik. Rindu rumah. Hahahaha cheesy sungguh diriku.

astronomy is awesome

Firstly, I don't want to have any romantic relationship with any guy (at least for the time being), especially if that guy is not Raphael (or at least Raphael-like). Having said that, don't expect me to be too friendly to you guys whatsoever. No offline communications, no "let's go out together!!!1!!1!!!!!", no direct contacts. Been there done that. Nak keluar sama mesti belanja. All expenses paid. Tambang pun taja sekali. Aku tak kira. Kau nak label aku materialistik ke hape ke silakan. If you can't sacrifice for me now, I cannot justify being your wife in the future. Nuff said.

Secondly, I love full moon. I really do. Full moon rising is the best natural phenomenon ever (besides the usual eclipses). If you are lucky enough, go to any place where you can almost see the horizon without any obstructions during a full moon night, preferably around Maghrib. You will see a beautiful orange full moon . (I rarely have a chance to witness this event because kat depan bilik banyak pokok and bangunan and whatnots makanya sangat sedih).

Thirdly, I'm sorry if I offended you. Apparently I have this 'enhanced' interpretation skills that leads me to misinterpret many an innocent status updates/ blog posts. The blame should be put entirely on me.

Fourthly (that sounds odd), I want macarons. I want I want I want I don't care I really want some macarons!!!11!11!!!!

Rose and pistachio and caramel and cherry with Nutella (I can go on forever with the list of 'freaky' flavours) is teh awesomest.

Fifthly, you can see Jupiter clearly right now. Look at the moon, and find the nearest bright object that doesn't twinkle. That's Jupiter. I want me a telescope, that would be awesome.

Yes, misleading title is misleading :D

unweekly update

I don't know. Feels like writing about this as soon as I finished the dreaded test. You could say statistics, like the rest of the abhorred Maths syllabus, is my weakest point. Meh, you say. This could be another one of my self-pitying post, about me being reportedly inferior to other people, or having lack of zeal/motivation/optimistic point of view whatsoever compared to other people. You're probably right. I hate Maths because I am not good in it. I used to, but no longer I am. That makes me hate it even more. 'Hate' may be a strong word to describe what I feel towards the subject, but yeah, if it's not hatred, it's something close. No, I don't hate the lecturer (I love the lecturer by the way, she's the sweetest), I hate the fact that I could not make myself better in Maths. Maybe it's my utter laziness. Maybe it's my newly-found 'couldn't care less' attitude. No matter what the excuses are, I found it very difficult to get that coveted A in this subject. The source of my parents' disappointment, no doubt. And my lecturer's disappointment, too. She is the best lecturer ever, a very patient, dedicated teacher. It's disheartening to think that our marks do not reflect her hard work of teaching us from January to August. Though I feel that there is hope for me to get at least (or at most?) B in today's test, I couldn't be too sure. I might screwed up on the normalcdf/ binomcdf thingie (let's not discuss Question 1 because obviously I did not flip a single page of that box whisker topic in the textbook for my revision. So meh.).

I miss my earlier days. This is my worst nightmare at its best. Me falling down after a brief moment of triumph. One should learn to be grateful during one's best moments. Something I didn't do before. Look what happened now.

"Oh hell, it's only a test, it's not the end of the world, vessel. Good luck for your trial exam." - Subconscious

With an air of negative charge,

Alice who couldn't be bothered to edit grammar.

p/s go and download Global Communication's 76:14 album. Every song is a blissful journey to an ethereal state of mind. Listen to 14:31 before you sleep. Best barbiturate ever.

midnight randomization part deux

Aku tak berapa kisah kalau kau nak kacau aku pun. You could say I like it. Sebab aku rasa kau menarik. Dan aku suka orang-orang menarik. Orang normal sangat boring. Ya, aku label kau dan aku sebagai tak normal. Tapi itu patut jadi satu compliment. But I don't know. Some people get offended by this, tapi aku trust kau bukan jenis yang cepat offended.

By the way, yes, I love dance music. Been hearing it since I was 4. It's only natural. Sayangnya tak ramai orang di Malaysia tahu pasal dance music. Kalau ada yang tahu/suka tu pun daripada exposure lepas pergi ke kelab-kelab posh e.g. Zouk (kelab tak posh tak pasang dance music, diorang pasang lagu dangdut); suka sebab dance music mempercepatkan heartbeat dan mempercepatkan proses high. Bukan suka sebab dance music itu sendiri. Takpun exposure lepas lepak-lepak di Bukit Bintang dan berkawan dengan budak-budak shufflers yang menari mengikuti rentak hardstyle. Mereka cuma tahu itu hardstyle, dan letak di t-shirt masing-masing; mereka tak tahu itu ialah sub-style hard dance, dan "hardstyle" yang mereka gelarkan itu boleh jadi hard trance ataupun cuma bangin' techno. Lalu dengan knowledge yang sikit ini mereka cuba buat tracks sendiri; maka keluarlah lagu seperti Roti Keju yang sangat out of place.

Mereka yang menghayati dance music sangat sedikit, apatah lagi menghayati psychedelic trance. Epic Tribe sangat awesome, mereka ada soul Goa sebenar (sans LSD). But that doesn't mean all of the punters that attend their events have that true psychedelic spirit. Kalau orang berhenti associate dance music dengan clubbing dan dadah, dunia ini akan jadi lebih indah. Dan kalau industri muzik indie di Malaysia juga memaparkan artis dance music alongside the usual alt rock bands, dunia ini sudah tentu akan jadi lebih awesome.

Entry ini pelik sebab aku terbaca blog lama di Friendster yang ditulis masa umur 13, komen-komen pasal local dance music scene. Waktu aku umur 11 dulu, dance music di radio tempatan sangat awesome. Sekarang sudah mati. Terima kasih mainstream music kerana contribute serba sedikit ke arah itu.

Midnight randomization part deux kerana kalau kau perasan, entry ini ada kena-mengena dengan midnight randomization yang pertama, bab 'exposure' tu. Hint from the writing style of this entry. Mari layan Moguai yang tidak sama dengan Mogwai (aku baru perasan).

Alice yang bakal hadapi interview lagi sebelum cuti.

midnight randomization

You grow up having no particular interest in life whatsoever, then you meet a couple of queer individuals - later in life you realize they are the only set of individuals you could ever get along with - and started absorbing whatever they are, assimilating them to be a distinct personality that is you. The way they talk. The way they dress. What kind of music they listen to. Their current obsessions. Their philosophy in life.

Because that is what we are. We mold ourselves to be what we are today from the little things we are exposed to in life. One does not abruptly develop a taste for Aphex Twin without being introduced to it via one's brother's DJ friend, or via the loud industrial festival one attended last year (I must include Aphex Twin analogies coz he is fcking insanely awesome). In the end, a person is a being formed by numerous aspects acquired from his surrounding world; those that are carefully selected and skillfully crafted to be what one may call as the personality, or the personal characteristics. One may choose not to be affected by anything that happens around him, but sooner or later, the effect will start to surface.

Song of the entry is Bluetech's Triangle because psybient is food for the soul (acquired via the exposure to Shpongle, which was acquired from an old DJmag magazine, which was bought by my awesome dad. Dad knows dance music more than I do).

welcome to the wonderful world of hallucinogens

I do not take hallucinogenics in any way, of course. I love my brain cells too much to do that. But as an experienced Goa trancer, I cannot help myself from involving in all things psychedelic. Personally I think hallucinogenics are awesome; they make you feel detached from the real world. I am not trying to advocate the usage of drugs (but as an aspiring pharmacist I would be more than happy to encourage the usage of medicinal drugs among all of you - it's better than taking unregistered traditional medications laced with hydroquinone isn't it?), but I really do think that the spiritual experience of seeing (or hearing) unreal things are exciting. Especially when it comes in Technicolour. With all 16 million colours included.

Frankly, whenever I listen to Goa trance, I could almost feel the synthesis of DMT going on in my head, giving me an unexplainable rush (not as intense as LSD, but still). The deep basslines are intoxicating, the surreal composition of melodic synths are entrancing, the mystical Indian chants are pure bliss. I could relate to those Indian chants by the way, so I bet it's no wonder why I prefer old-skool Goa trance from Destination Goa than the current stuffs people are making out of Fruity Loops. It's a good thing that Goa trance is gaining recognition in Malaysia though, thanks to the awesome people from Epic Tribe. Though I will never be able to attend one of those mystical psy events they organise, it's nice to think that I'm not the only one knowing about Goa trance in this very country, where most teenagers are heavily drugged with sex-laced songs from the likes of Gaga, Ke$ha, or any one of those pimptastic hip-hop artistes singing about taking off knickers, wanting to 'do it again and again', getting laid and...well, it's basically about getting laid.

I realised I have no topic sentence and proper flow of ideas. Haha. If you have to ask, I am in no mood whatsoever to complete my vital essays, hence this fcking nonsense I'm writing. I am also WUI; writing under influence. It's my personal psychedelic drug, the good ol' caffeine. Current pulse rate is 120 at rest, and could escalate higher. I admire people who could write things that I could never understand, with high English and whatnots, whereas I'm stuck with my colloquial mangled English here, all the while knowing the fact that I could not afford to have this style of writing. See how much I am detached from the real world by taking caffeine? Yeah, I drank half a glass of Ipoh White Coffee earlier today; it's this adverse effect I got after my caffeine OD 4 years ago, causing me to be extra agitated after consuming even the teeniest amount of that dreaded chemical. If you must get attention by self-harming, do anything but poison yourself. Scars can heal, but the effects of chemicals can linger for a very long time. I just have to say this. People don't tell about their imbecile experiences doing SI online without being anonymous, but I'm doing this for the sake of preventing more people from doing so. Being sober makes you feel important. Hoyeah.

Way to go Otago. Way to go pharmacy. Oh, give me some litmus paper already. I can't sleep.