Tuesday, April 24, 2018

you would probably find this difficult to understand if you don't know me well

Ah, I suddenly feel like an annoying person.
I mean, surely people have become tired of my ongoing Adrien-related ramblings? My housemates, and close friends especially. It's not like I have anything interesting to tell them about him anyway, most of the time it's about how I walked past him while on my way back home/ in a lecture and failed to utter a silent hello. That goes on for a number of times already.
If I'm not talking about him, I would probably talk about a few other guys I fancy here. That's so pathetic.

It's like I don't have any other things to be said. Well, I do, but who would listen to me babbling about the complex layered sounds produced by Simon Posford anyway? Or about how I found MRSA highly interesting, about the books I found at Scribes today, about my lucid dreaming-related hypotheses, about my desire to take up debating once again, about how I wish I was pretty, about how bummed I would feel if i couldn't get my hands on a lolita dress for next month's Dunedin Armageddon Expo, about ADHD and Ritalin, about pineal glands, melatonin production and circadian rhythm.

About how lonely I felt here in Dunedin.

Why would I feel lonely anyway? I'm not going to blame frustration phase, since I've been through that two months ago, surely there are no such things as recurring frustration phase aite? Not going to blame PMS either, since a girl can't be in her PMS stage for the whole 3 months. I guess it's my neurotic nature, but I'm not sure. Most of the time I would end up blaming myself for every single thing I deemed wrong, so I don't think I want to blame anybody/anything this time. Of course, that also means I would probably never find the culprit behind my feeling lonely whatsoever, but meh.

People ask me why I keep talking to myself. This is the reason.

But then, I guess I should be grateful. I could still get along with people here. I just hope things would not go wrong later - I have a long history of making things go wrong in terms of my relationships with people.


Last month marked my 2nd anniversary of being sober from cutting. Not going to say "sober from self-harm", because within that 2 years I think I did some stuffs that could be considered as 'self-harm'. Taking excessive medication, for example, although that's solely for the purpose of alleviating moderate pain (it's self-harm because I'm fully aware of the risks, yet I still did it). I'm quite proud of myself for being able to take control over the thing that I once thought could never be controlled, but I guess that's not really enough. Surely, I have stopped cutting myself, but have I stopped myself from viewing things in a pessimistic way?


On a somewhat related note (or perhaps not related at all), I can't seem to understand how some people thought it's best to ignore your emotions, and regard them as something of lesser importance. "You're not supposed to tell others you're pissed off/hurt/deeply upset. For God's sake find something else to distract you, keep those things to yourself", they would say. Dude, surely there's a reason why God gives us emotions - so that you know something's not right and that you need to take action on it. And just because you can't see them doesn't mean you should put them aside.I know some people have the amazing capability to control their emotions, but please, just because you could do so doesn't mean everybody else have the same capability. Keeping things to yourself is bad for your health - it increases your cortisol level and stuffs.


Apologies to people who are sick of Adrien or List of Guys Alice Like in Dunedin - I know you're not interested, so I shall stop.

Shit, I'm such an insensitive person. Should've noticed about this eons ago.

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