No really, I can't.
No, I'm not trying to be pessimistic and start a two-page rant about my non-existent social skills, but that's the reality.
It's one of the many things I can't do well in life. Whenever I found myself engaged in conversations with people I'm unfamiliar with, things get awkward in a matter of seconds. Either I began babbling incoherently about things that are not worth mentioning (most of the time about myself - I'm self-centered like that lol), or I started stuttering while trying to say simple phrases like "How's your Physics test?", or the conversation died after two clichéd questions.
Example:
Me: Hi there, can I be your lab partner?
Girl: Sure, that'll be cool.
Me: So... what's your name?
Girl: I'm ____. And you?
Me: I'm Fatimah :D *forced smile, barely audible*
Girl: Oh, Tina?
Me: No, it's F-Fatimah *stutters* Just call me Tim.
Girl: Oh, alright then Tim.
*long pause, us doing our own thing*
Me: Sooo... where do you come from?
Girl: I'm from Auckland. You:
Me: I'm from Malaysia.
Girl: Cool! Malaysia is a lovely country.
Me: You think so?
Girl: Yeah, I like Malaysia.
Me: Cool!
*another long pause*
Me: Do you live in a residential college? (well duh, that's obviously a lame question because all first year students are required to stay in a residential college)
Girl: Yup, I'm staying at X College. Where do you live at?
Me: Ah, I'm staying at T-Toroa College *stutters again*
Girl: Sorry?
Me: Toroa, it's quite far from here, um, ah... *trying to find words to describe where exactly is the location of my college* ...near St David.
Girl: Cool! So you wanna stir this chemicals first?
*long pause lasted until the end of the lab*
Like heck. That happens in most of my labs, particularly one in which I don't have a permanent lab partner and none of my fellow Malaysian friends are around (yes, I'm talking about CELS here). Explaining something requires tremendous amount of effort, and even with all those precautionary measures I've taken (arranging my words carefully before blurting them out, making sure I know what I want to talk about, translating them properly from Malay to English) I still can't speak properly. I stuttered. I lost my words in the middle of a sentence. I don't have any freaking topics to be brought up. In the end, I kept my mouth shut, trying my best to keep conversations with other people minimal, all the while making myself look like an extremely snobbish person who doesn't want any kinds of human interaction.
That sucks, because if people don't start talking to me, there's no way I'm going to start talking to them. I really wanted to make friends with people in my class other than fellow Malaysian students and the occasional Bruneians, but that simply won't happen because, well, there's no way they're going to say hi to a socially-challenged Asian girl like me. And there's no way I'm going to start that too, because I fear things will get awkward. Like that time when I decided to become friendly enough and said hi to an Indian girl who always sit beside me during HUBS lecture. Suffice to say I never found her sitting beside me again.
Maybe my English just sucks, hence me not being able to have a decent conversation with people whose mother tongue is English. But then again I found myself extremely conversant when I'm talking to myself. Doesn't matter if I didn't 'arrange' the words prior to speaking or anything, I can easily deliver a 10-minute non-stop impromptu public speaking session when I'm alone in my room, no stuttering whatsoever. I'm too shy? Hell no, I was never a shy person, nor I was born to be one. Mom once told me that when I was 4, I was the one entertaining our guests with my non-stop rants and my tendency to break into a Michael Jackson-inspired dance in public (I still do that dance-in-public thingy nowadays- only this time, instead of moonwalks I prefer hippie trance dance). I still don't know what happened during my pre-adolescent years that made me transform into the socially awkward person that I am today, but one thing I'm certain, they involved things like 'being ostracized' and 'damned paternal family who did nothing apart from making our lives more miserable day by day'. Wait, that last part didn't have anything to do with being socially awkward, but meh.
Last two days I had a very long 'conversation' with myself, trying to discover what I could do to fix this particular problem of mine. Among other things, I realized that I worry too much on what people think about myself. Like, "OMG I stutter every time I speak, they must think I'm retarded or something, how can I live like this OMG OMG" I focus too much on perfecting the 'cosmetic' side of conversation (i.e. slang, intonation, pronunciation, body language), while paying little attention on the essence of the conversation itself. Seriously, you can still talk to people and give the impression that you are one friendly girl willing to make friends with others even when your English is not Band 7 material. I've seen that in action. And gosh, I kept thinking about "what if things end up being awkward?" instead of thinking about the positive outcome of the conversation. FGS what's the worst thing that could happen? People may think I have the weirdest accent ever, maaaaaybe with some problems pronouncing my R's and S's, and slightly exaggerated facial expressions, but that adds up to my eccentricity, and I love being eccentric. I may end up talking to an equally eccentric person (like that poi-playing girl in my class - seriously, I should talk to her one of these days, I like poi), maybe even finding someone who actually knows what the hell is Shpongle (hint: someone = not Adrien).
I'll start with that psy guy in my chem lab next week. And maybe Adrien after that. After all, I need to explain to him that the ever elusive 'Shy Siti' is not Alia, even though she does seem to be shyer than me.
Mark my words.
Alice
3 comments:
Tim. I SUCK too here. It's difficult innit. =_= Everything's just LOST in translation.
N I support ya! With the whole made yourself be known to Isaac ( heh :p) plan.
Eh?? I found that difficult to believe. Coz I've seen you having conversation with people. They're awesome. But I guess things will be different once we're in a foreign country, kan? Sobs
Alas, I still didn't manage to talk to him. The very idea of confronting him and saying hello gives me shivers and adrenaline poisoning. And I was so close to him today, tskkkk
chillax tim. this stuff is bugging you too much. makes u feel nervous, hence the stuttering.
the thing about conversation is, be completely urself. cut all the slang, bombastic words n whatnots.
and dont worry about what people think. all you gotta do is to show them that u r cool, easy-going n approachable.
and there r two kinds of people: the friendly kind and the other kind who dont wanna talk much.
you just gotta understand them. if you find that a person is in the first kind, then it's cool to have chat with them.
the second kind, well, it may take some time to build a connection.
so, just dont worry much about yourself.
remember your goal: to make friends with the locals. that means you have to open your mind completely and be cool.
and by being cool i mean you dont have to show/tell them everything about. but i think you'd probably known that.
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