You seem to start getting back to your old habit - drinking coffee to get high. Drinking an innocent cup of coffee won't usually do much to an average person, but to your pathetic system, it is enough to make you launch into full-blown psychosis. All facts and logics seem distorted, every single thing perceived seems unreal yet scarily vivid. And every single unreal thing seem even more scarily vivid, only worse because it's not even real. Body starts to trigger panic alarms, elevating heartbeat to a whole new level, causing blood pressure to increase quite horrifyingly, even a sphygmomanometer won't be able to take the reading. Bladder starts to take extra OT, kidneys beg for mercy, hoping that the daily assault by antihistamines won't be aggravated by yet another potent drug. Little jackhammers on the head begins to turn into fully-evolved industrial driller. Cold sweat begins to break, anxiety of unknown origins starts to take place, shoving aside the pathetic little portions of tranquility left in the distorted mind of the distorted vessel.
No matter how you try, your eyes won't shut. You need to stop seeing the tormenting images swirling in front of you, but your eyes won't shut. You want to run away from the hysteric voices in your head, but your eyes won't shut. Your eyes feel extra tired, but they won't shut. You are completely paralysed, trapped within the phantasmic wonderland, unable to find your way out. It's the baddest version of a bad trip you could get, without even needing to ingest the tiniest mole of lysergic acid diethylamide.
All because you want to run away from the reality. Because you need to forget the fact that all the problems you are facing comes from your own insensitivity. You know you will return to your manic SI state by doing so, but you just have to do something to run away.
Is it worth it? Do you get to escape the 'pain and sufferings' that you are enduring? Do the troubles miraculously disappear the moment you gulp down the abominable concoction? Do you honestly think it is not a form of self-mutilation? Tell me, how is poisoning yourself not self-mutilating?
Learn to accept the fact. Do not just run away. You are nothing more than a pathetic coward if you do so. Being egoistic won't change anything. A cup of coffee won't change anything. You need to change. It doesn't matter who's wrong or right; if you need to get over it, you have to start it yourself.
And oh, try to optimise your time. 'I don't want to sleep tonight' is bad for your system.
Love,
Your Friendly Subconscious.
p/s: Despite being your 'devilish Subconscious', I am not always bad, you see.
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