best thing about living in NZ...

... I get to buy books I never thought I could buy! Hahaha!

Found this while browsing through Marbecks, a secluded CD store-cums-bookshop in Wall Street. They also had lots of obscure classics, and popular classics with gorgeous covers (note to Leana: I found 3 different versions of On The Road, and they're all awesome like heck).

I'm also waiting for my DMT: The Spirit Molecule to arrive in the mail, bought it off Whitcoulls. Next on my wishlist would be LSD My Problem Child and PiHKAL, found them at great prices on Mindfuel, but I'll probably need to wait until I get my next allowance to buy them. Um, maaaaaybe I'll buy me My Problem Child next month if I do well in my exams, it's only $30 anyway, with free shipping and all.

I really love bookstores here. You could buy books online with no additional shipping costs, you can get all sorts of obscure titles (do you honestly think I would find DMT: The Spirit Molecule at Malaysia? Last time I check I couldn't even find anything about lucid dreaming, let alone hallucinogens), the prices are great provided you don't convert the currency, and you could automatically get a 10% discount by being a student, without needing to apply for membership cards and renew them every year. Even if you want to apply for membership cards, it's absolutely free! And oh, if $20 per book is still too expensive for you, you could always buy them at secondhand bookstores at half the original price or lower. Gila awesome.

I guess this has got to do with the reading culture here. We don't have that strong of a culture in Malaysia; people prefer to read about the latest political sex scandal or stories about 'who gets raped by who' taken from Harian Metro instead of reading something worthwhile. You could hardly find people reading in public places or while waiting for something. I used to carry a book with me and read them while manning Mom's kuih stall, and oftentimes I found myself being the subject of teasing by rempit types who passed by, saying things like "hai kak, rajinnya, jual kuih pun sempat belajar" (I was reading Crichton's Sphere. I didn't know that could be considered as 'belajar'. Oh well, those bits about Drake equation maybe). Anyhoo, putting that aside, I would like to get myself a nice bookshelf and fill them with the books I bought/will buy while I'm studying here. Macam J dalam novel Empangan. There's an epic book sale coming up this September in Dunedin, where you could buy secondhand books at prices as low as $1. I can't wait.

That reminds me. I should totally update my bibliophile wishlist.

Alice

well, one can always try

Aku masuk pertandingan lagu puisi. How freaky is that?? I mean, okay I can always compose the songs via FL and stuffs, I have a reservoir of melodies on my head anyway, tapi nak tulis lirik dalam bentuk puisi? Dalam bahasa Melayu?? Like heck! Aku kalau bab bunga-bunga ni lemah sikit actually. Aku pun tak tau kenapa aku boleh ambil keputusan separa suicide dengan menerima tawaran Zariq untuk masuk benda lagu puisi bagai tu. Tangguh punya tangguh, sampai ke sudah aku tak siap lagi apa-apa.

Sampaila semalam. Dalam keadaan separa sedar lepas bangun dari tidur (hypnagogia maybe), aku tiba-tiba dapat ilham dalam bentuk random sets of words. So petang tu aku cuba tulis satu-satu, susun elok-elok. Cubaan pertama gila babas punya clichéd, ala-ala sajak aku tulis zaman Form 3 dulu ('jalan penuh duka, raungan kedengaran di mana-mana', stuffs like that). Tak tau la kalau ini pun boleh kira clichéd jugak, but oh well. Dah tak sempat, pertandingan tu Sabtu ni.

Seka Air Matamu

oleh Vryzzer

Sunyi

Walau bibir menguntum senyum tapi di jiwa tiada apa

Sunyi

Satu-satu menjadi debu, yang tinggal hanya rongga

Walau kau kata sinar itu ada, mengapa aku tak upaya

Hanya kelam yang aku rasa

Ini luahan si gadis sunti

Yang hatinya luluh dilanyak realiti

Katanya manusia itu hanya topengan

Mulia luaran disebalik kebinatangan

Rakus politikus menghenyak segala cita-cita

Cita untuk melihat hapusnya duka

Cita untuk mengecap indahnya cinta

Manusia itu apa?

Yang menoda tanah pusaka bangsa

Katanya tak apa, ini hak kita

Yang pengecut menikus tanpa bicara

Katanya tak apa, ini hal mereka

Biarkan sahaja, biarkan sahaja!

Manusia itu apa?

Yang obsesi merajai diri

Kata mereka, aku punya suka

Yang berkuasa mereka buta

Kata mereka, aku upaya

Biarkan sahaja, biarkan sahaja!

Lalu gadis sunti itu diam di situ

Bergenang matanya memandang sepi

Kukatakan padanya, seka air matamu

Kerna yakinlah, janji Tuhan itu pasti

If you're wondering, tema lagu puisi ini ialah kemanusiaan yang hilang. Ada la sikit2 pasal Palestin kot. Huaaaaaaaaaa maluuuuuu

Nanti lagu full aku upload kat Soundcloud.

Alice

could you define the word paranoiac

I used to think Younger Brother was not as awesome as Simon's other projects, probably because they don't really make Shpongle-tinged psychedelic ambient (unlike Celtic Cross, Purple Om, Mystery of the Yeti and Dub Trees). Younger Brother features sounds that you wouldn't expect coming from the great Simon Posford himself. I mean, Simon is synonymous with psychedelic ambient and Goa trance, he wouldn't possibly produce stuffs that sound like a marriage between Pink Floyd and Coldplay innit? The "un-psybientness" is especially prominent in their latest album Vaccine, where you could actually get Ru singing like he's freaking Chris Martin. But after exploring their tracks pre-Vaccine, I actually found them highly interesting. After all, the whole Pink Floyd-ness vibe is not that bad, I like Pink Floyd. And by making something outside the usual Goa-psy spectrum, more people are aware of the existence of the musical genius that is Simon Posford. Let's just hope he won't end up being the psybient version of Infected Mushroom - too much mainstream exposure can be bad for the imagination (what the hell do they have in mind - a 3 1/2 minute-long psy track???).

'All I Want' is my current favourite YB track, because it's rather psychedelic and has that distinctive Simon + Benji vibe presented in a refreshing way. And Loituma samples - who would've thought of putting that? I also love the vocal samples in the beginning of the track - weird accent, weirdly beautiful. Paranoiac critical method. Awesome.

Talk about paranoiac, 'Adrien having a girlfriend already' is another one of my paranoid assumption. But still, there are possibilities. I didn't know why I was so upset about it - I realized he's too far-fetched for me. Maybe this whole incident reminds me of the things that happened during my school days. I did not feel disappointed, I feel humiliated. This is exactly the reason why I don't want to make the first move (and by first move, I didn't mean flirting whatsoever. I was just sending an innocent message saying hello for God's sake!). When I eventually did, bad things happened. Like that one time when I tried to befriend Ezra, my schoolmate. And shit like these actually decreased my self-esteem further. I mean, am I that repulsive or what? Too eccentric weird? Too ugly? I know this sounded like me circa 2006 (or like any random 15-year-old girls with raging hormones. I should feel ashamed because I'm an effin adult now, I'm 20), but hell.

Anyhoo, to make myself feel better, I made a list on why I deserve someone better than Adrien. Among other things, I included 'fckin womaniser', 'drinks alcohol', 'not a fellow dreamer', 'not a spitting image of Raphael because Raphael is WAY better than that' and 'doesn't even know freakin Shpongle!!! Are you fckin kidding me!!! And he calls himself alty!!!' in my list. Now that really made me feel better!

On the bright side, looks like my New Year Resolution #15 will stay intact, thank God for that. I don't think I will ever have the desire to, um, look for potential campus crushes or anything after this. As the Malay saying goes, I don't want banana to fruit two times (pisang berbuah dua kali HAHAHAHAHAHA!!). 'Sides, going to class for the sake of eyeing your crush sangat menyimpang okeh. Belajar tak ikhlas.

Excuse me while I go and find Raph in my dreams.

Alice

NRT

I watched this ad for the first time on TV3 around 2 years ago. And every time I watch it, I couldn't help but to think of my dad. Now that I'm away from home, watching this ad once again made me cry. I love my dad so much (even though I never show it, we're one weird family), I couldn't bear the thoughts of losing him to diseases related to his habit. My whole life was spent living away from him (he worked at Singapore when I was 11, and I went to boarding school when I was 13), and I pray to God to give him good health so that I could spend more time with him. I saw what happened to my cousin's father (also a hardcore smoker) and it breaks my heart every time I think of it. I don't want dad to end up like that

Guess I should really introduce nicotine replacement therapy to him. Better late than never

bitchin'

We live in a world where physical appearances are much better appreciated than 'what's behind the curtains'. That's why we have girls putting their duckfaced pictures on their blog headers, trying their best to look like HanaYunaTajimaWhatever in every single shots. No, I don't have any specific opinions regarding these girls, although sometimes I do feel they have gone overboard.

But that's not my point. My point is, how often do you find a person attractive due to his or her quirkiness? Or, since quirkiness may only appeal to a small subset of the community, his or her charisma? Flair? Attitude? Most people would definitely go for what they could perceive with their naked eye. Having said that, if you are born pretty, or somehow found a way to make yourself look pretty, you will most likely be the subject of admiration for many people. Yep, I know, I'm merely restating an obvious fact; there's nothing new here. But how about those who did not have beauty (or physical attractiveness, at least, considering the word 'beauty' is so damn subjective) as their asset? Sure, someone would eventually notice that hidden, skin-deep beauty within them, but can you guarantee that they won't suffer from serious inferiority complex/ lack of self-esteem before that happens?

And guys still question why girls wear makeup and Hana Tajima-inspired outfits.

While we're at it, is quirkiness a turn-off?

Alice

talking? what's that?

I can't have a decent conversation with people.

No really, I can't.

No, I'm not trying to be pessimistic and start a two-page rant about my non-existent social skills, but that's the reality.

It's one of the many things I can't do well in life. Whenever I found myself engaged in conversations with people I'm unfamiliar with, things get awkward in a matter of seconds. Either I began babbling incoherently about things that are not worth mentioning (most of the time about myself - I'm self-centered like that lol), or I started stuttering while trying to say simple phrases like "How's your Physics test?", or the conversation died after two clichéd questions.

Example:

Me: Hi there, can I be your lab partner?

Girl: Sure, that'll be cool.

Me: So... what's your name?

Girl: I'm ____. And you?

Me: I'm Fatimah :D *forced smile, barely audible*

Girl: Oh, Tina?

Me: No, it's F-Fatimah *stutters* Just call me Tim.

Girl: Oh, alright then Tim.

*long pause, us doing our own thing*

Me: Sooo... where do you come from?

Girl: I'm from Auckland. You:

Me: I'm from Malaysia.

Girl: Cool! Malaysia is a lovely country.

Me: You think so?

Girl: Yeah, I like Malaysia.

Me: Cool!

*another long pause*

Me: Do you live in a residential college? (well duh, that's obviously a lame question because all first year students are required to stay in a residential college)

Girl: Yup, I'm staying at X College. Where do you live at?

Me: Ah, I'm staying at T-Toroa College *stutters again*

Girl: Sorry?

Me: Toroa, it's quite far from here, um, ah... *trying to find words to describe where exactly is the location of my college* ...near St David.

Girl: Cool! So you wanna stir this chemicals first?

*long pause lasted until the end of the lab*

Like heck. That happens in most of my labs, particularly one in which I don't have a permanent lab partner and none of my fellow Malaysian friends are around (yes, I'm talking about CELS here). Explaining something requires tremendous amount of effort, and even with all those precautionary measures I've taken (arranging my words carefully before blurting them out, making sure I know what I want to talk about, translating them properly from Malay to English) I still can't speak properly. I stuttered. I lost my words in the middle of a sentence. I don't have any freaking topics to be brought up. In the end, I kept my mouth shut, trying my best to keep conversations with other people minimal, all the while making myself look like an extremely snobbish person who doesn't want any kinds of human interaction.

That sucks, because if people don't start talking to me, there's no way I'm going to start talking to them. I really wanted to make friends with people in my class other than fellow Malaysian students and the occasional Bruneians, but that simply won't happen because, well, there's no way they're going to say hi to a socially-challenged Asian girl like me. And there's no way I'm going to start that too, because I fear things will get awkward. Like that time when I decided to become friendly enough and said hi to an Indian girl who always sit beside me during HUBS lecture. Suffice to say I never found her sitting beside me again.

Maybe my English just sucks, hence me not being able to have a decent conversation with people whose mother tongue is English. But then again I found myself extremely conversant when I'm talking to myself. Doesn't matter if I didn't 'arrange' the words prior to speaking or anything, I can easily deliver a 10-minute non-stop impromptu public speaking session when I'm alone in my room, no stuttering whatsoever. I'm too shy? Hell no, I was never a shy person, nor I was born to be one. Mom once told me that when I was 4, I was the one entertaining our guests with my non-stop rants and my tendency to break into a Michael Jackson-inspired dance in public (I still do that dance-in-public thingy nowadays- only this time, instead of moonwalks I prefer hippie trance dance). I still don't know what happened during my pre-adolescent years that made me transform into the socially awkward person that I am today, but one thing I'm certain, they involved things like 'being ostracized' and 'damned paternal family who did nothing apart from making our lives more miserable day by day'. Wait, that last part didn't have anything to do with being socially awkward, but meh.

Last two days I had a very long 'conversation' with myself, trying to discover what I could do to fix this particular problem of mine. Among other things, I realized that I worry too much on what people think about myself. Like, "OMG I stutter every time I speak, they must think I'm retarded or something, how can I live like this OMG OMG" I focus too much on perfecting the 'cosmetic' side of conversation (i.e. slang, intonation, pronunciation, body language), while paying little attention on the essence of the conversation itself. Seriously, you can still talk to people and give the impression that you are one friendly girl willing to make friends with others even when your English is not Band 7 material. I've seen that in action. And gosh, I kept thinking about "what if things end up being awkward?" instead of thinking about the positive outcome of the conversation. FGS what's the worst thing that could happen? People may think I have the weirdest accent ever, maaaaaybe with some problems pronouncing my R's and S's, and slightly exaggerated facial expressions, but that adds up to my eccentricity, and I love being eccentric. I may end up talking to an equally eccentric person (like that poi-playing girl in my class - seriously, I should talk to her one of these days, I like poi), maybe even finding someone who actually knows what the hell is Shpongle (hint: someone = not Adrien).

I'll start with that psy guy in my chem lab next week. And maybe Adrien after that. After all, I need to explain to him that the ever elusive 'Shy Siti' is not Alia, even though she does seem to be shyer than me.

Mark my words.

Alice