like any other blogs, a new year post

2010 had been a wonderful year for me, a year of achievement. Ececeh, mukadimah gila poyo. But it's no doubt that 2010 had been better than my previous years, because

1. I celebrated my first year of no cutting
2. I passed my IELTS with my desired band
3. I passed my Otago interview
4. I became more active in lolita fashion, including managed to make my first handmade JSK
5. I managed to complete my internal assessments okayly (hahaha gila word)
6. I passed my SACE with flying colours, and got two merits in the process
7. I had reached my goal of getting lucid dreams once per week
8. I graduated from AUSMAT, the "toughest preparation program in INTEC"
9. I had awesome people as classmates and lecturers
10. I, uh, survived the year without falling for someone? XDDDD

Alhamdulillah, thank God for every bits of happiness that He gave me throughout the year. And thank God for every bits of uncomfortable moments as well, because they taught me something about life (like, recently I've learnt that it's always a bad thing to keep things from your acquaintances, especially benda2 yang ko tak puas hati. Baik cakap awal-awal daripada accumulate banyak-banyak di kemudian hari).

For 2011, although I'm not the one who makes (and keeps!) resolutions every time a new year arrives (my resolution for 2010, like the previous years starting from 2006, is to be more organised - I'm pretty sure I'm still a disorganised person by the time I'm writing this!), I thought it would be cool to list down my goals for 2011. After all, those who fail to plan, plan to fail right? Hahahahahahaha XD

So here goes nothing:

Alice's List of Things She Might Wouldn't Even Achieve Being A Pessimist That She Always Is

1. Stop being too pessimistic!
2. Be organised. Just organised, not "more organised" because I was never an organised person to start with
3. Reach 2nd year of being sober free from cutting. April is not long from now, go bebeh go!
4. Have at least two lucid dreams per week. By the end of the year, must have at least one lucid dream every alternate days.
5. Read more books, including deep philosophical stuffs. And physics stuffs, because I suck at physics.
6. Should I find any headshop at NZ, refrain self from buying LSD/peyote/Salvia/DMT (shoot, think I've found one)
7. Survive Health Science First Year with more than B. Get Dean's List or whatever (awwww Prof. Duffull~~)
8. Under the conditions in which I fail to pass HSFY with at least a B, beg JPA to allow me to take pharmacology
9. Survive first year at NZ with as little tears as possible. Aw shucks.
10. Make more lolita outfits. Assemble a hippie loli coord!
11. Reduce compulsive buying. Since 'stop compulsive buying' is too harsh, reducing em will do
12. Uhhh... socialize more?
13. Get Melty Chocolate replica
14. Update blogs moarrrr!!!!11!11!
15. No romantic relationships whatsoever. Exceptions only apply if I manage to find Raphael
16. Increase study hours. Less time online. Erk, contradict #14
17. Improve music making skills. Make more songs. Explore other sub-genres, like, uh, breakbeat?
18. Speak more English. Well, speak more in general. Resurrect grandma grammar
19. Stop pendam-pendam hahahahaha
20. Be less dependent and more independent
21. Be a better muslimah and be closer to God :D
22. The list goes on

Don't know if I will manage to achieve all of them though. Anyhoo, I do look forward to whatever in store for me this year. Marilah 2011!

By the way, thank you for following! (kes dah baru cecah 50+)

Alice

the bittersweet SACE result

what I actually wrote and kept as a draft the day before I got my result:

"Let me tell you something. It's not in my nature to reveal my target on anything (unless if it's obvious - like SPM, ofkos la aku KENA dapat 10 A1 yaww). But this time I felt compelled to do so because, uh, I don't know.

ATAR at least 94

All A's - INCLUDING Maths. Impossible? Who cares!!

At least 1 merit - I'm hoping it's Chemistry.

Of course I'll be content with ATAR Cukup-cukup Sembilan Puluh Dua as long as I get to go to Otago, but I'm determined. It makes me cry to think that I have been anything but excellent during my college years (as compared to me during my school years), so I really hope that things will be changed this time. I painfully realized that I didn't put much effort in AUSMAT (read: tido, internet berjam-jam, study bila nak exam aje), but who knows what God has in store for me, right?"

16th of December was D-day. I was up at 5.30 am for sahur when I received messages from my friends asking me how did I do in SACE. Naturally, I, being the person who finds it difficult to face the reality, resumed my slumber instead of going online to check the result. When I finally woke up for good, it was time to goreng kuih and it was 9 am when I finally got the opportunity to turn on the computer and log on to www.sace.sa.edu.au to check my results.

I cried when I saw what's displayed in front of the computer screen.

Alhamdulillah, I managed to achieve my every target, even getting an A for Maths! I couldn't describe how shocked I was. Shocked, really, because I only targeted for ATAR 94, but God gave me way more than that. Shocked, because I knew that my dream of getting straight A's would only remain a dream with Maths blocking my way, but God finally granted my wish. Shocked, because all the talk of getting a merit would not fit an extremely lazy person that I am, but God gave me the opportunity to achieve what I thought couldn't be achieved. For that, I am extremely grateful. Thank you Allah.

Of course, deep in my heart, I felt like I didn't deserve it. I have to admit, my efforts are very minuscule compared to other people. I was never the one who could study round the clock, harnessing every single materials I could get my hands on. I tried that, but I couldn't. My mind was so accustomed to the laid-back method that I've been using since my school days that when I finally pushed it to work harder to cope with AUSMAT's gruesome schedule and expectations, all systems began to overload. Or something close to that. Back in my school days, I kept stressing over the fact that I couldn't be half as hardworking as most people in my class, leading to several cutting sessions (because of the whole goddamn inferiority complex thingie lol). That was until a friend said to me "dude, kau ada cara sendiri, diorang ada cara sendiri. kau ada kelebihan dalam part lain, diorang ada kelebihan dalam part lain. so just go with your own method!" (quote telah diparaphrase).

So in order to achieve my mission to reach my first anniversary of being free from cutting, I took my friend's advice and study at my own pace. Although it is indeed fatal for my academic achievement (please refer to previous posts under the label 'AUSMAT'), it's better than adding another scar on my hand by doing things I'm not fond of. Of course it's a very bad feeling, especially when considering the fact that I did much better at school than I did in AUSMAT, but after a year and a half, I had become calloused already. I just leave it to God, let He determine what's best for me. I would be grateful enough if He gave me something which befits my efforts for one year and a half, like, say, ATAR Cukup-cukup Sembilan Puluh Dua (or less than that, I think). But if He wants to give me more, I would be more than elated.

At the end of the day, I believe it's about doing things your own way, praying and tawakkal. "Your own way" may mean staying up until 3 am to study, camping at the study room/library, or playing DotA while browsing through your Specialist Mathematics notes; it basically depends on which method you are comfortable with (I know I'm not comfortable with camping at the library lol). Just because others have their own study ritual doesn't mean you have to follow them bulat-bulat (well, of course you can if you want AND if you have the capability though). At the same time, "I can't do this bawww" should not be an excuse for you not to do anything either. Dude, who am I to say this anyway hahahahaha.

This post is unrelated to anything or anybody. Just feel like writing because I can.

Alice

p/s: Berbaktilah kepada haiwan nescaya haiwan akan mendoakan kemurahan rezeki kita

p/p/s: Remember the elevator dream? Apparently my dream deciphering is correct!

maka dengan ini saya mengisytiharkan

Yes, saya sudah MERDEKA!!!!

Penat lelah selama satu setengah tahun (lelah sangat la kau) telah berakhir dengan selamatnya pada pukul 2.42 petang tadi. Harap-harap impian murni untuk mendapat TER 94 (ambitious much?) dan subsequently fly ke Otago akan tercapat...

Amin....

Terima kasih kepada semua lecturers, especially lecturers yang pernah mengajar saya selama saya berada di INTEC kerana telah mendidik dan membimbing saya tanpa jemu.

Terima kasih juga kepada rakan-rakan di INTEC yang telah banyak membantu, especially budak-budak Illawong yang best!

Terima kasih kepada housemates yang berjaya endure setahun setengah dengan saya yang uber twisted

Terima kasih kepada penyelia asrama, driver bas, pak dan mak guard, makcik cleaner, abang library, etc etc... pendek kata, semua yang pernah hadir dalam hidup saya sepanjang bergelar pelajar INTEC.

Jumpa di dinner!

Alice

change of plan

Special 'dress codes' have rendered my plans to wear sweet lolita/ my new Bodyline dress for my grand dinner inexecutable. The HEP head honcho says that should anyone fail to follow the dress code, i.e. long attires for ladies, no short skirts whatsoever, poor Head of Programme will suffer some bad consequences. Which means no knee-length lolita dresses. Friends said that lolita is okay since I'm going to cover everything below the knees with boots (which are not form fitting - I saw some of those around) but I dunno, better be safe than sorry. Aku kan budak protokol (Linda 2010).

So putting aside my Bio and Chem books for a while, I let my imaginations run wild and made this

Muslimah Blood Aristocrat by alicephantasmagoria featuring a black dress

I already have the blouse (not exactly the same as above, but passable), the hijab, the headdress (needs some more embellishments), the ring and the lace gloves. Gonna make the jabot myself. Found a nice aristocrat-ish long blazer at Peace, and planned to hunt for the skirt at Subang Jaya. Kasut tu pinjam orang je kot XD

So yeah, can't wait for SACE to end so that I can make preparations for the dinner (and CF perhaps) quick. Cakap pasal SACE, I only have two papers left - Bio and Chem. Maths, surprisingly, was not as horrifying as I would have expected. Alhamdulillah for that. As for the two others, hmm tak taulah, when it comes to language papers you can't say much coz they're very subjective anyway.

One thing for sure, sitting for three 3-hour papers while having a stabbing toothache sucks real bad. Let's hope that the ampicillin given to me will do wonders within its 3-day course. Kalau tak, aku demand balik RM35 aku tadi. But really, the pain is beginning to subside now that I have taken two capsules already.

How I am amazed with the power of modern medicine,

Future Pharmacist Alice