why do people fall in love

I've been wanting to ask this question for a very very long time, but I just didn't know to whom should I ask. Definitely not my mom, coz I don't share lovey dovey stuffs like this with my family members. Why do people fall in love? How can people love each other? What makes a person willing to devote their everything for a particular person? (Note: for convenience purposes, 'love' in this entry refers to romantic love, that feeling towards a person you barely know for how many years or even less than that, not maternal love whatsoever)

I always thought that guys don't have the emotional capability to love another person. After romantically involved with several guys throughout my life, I came to the conclusion that among these XY chromosome possessors, love simply exists in the form of lust. What other explanation do I have, after knowing several guys who demanded sex from me, and harassed by several others? Although I realize that my statement here is severely biased, I still can't see how that very idea of love can be applied to a guy. Even if lust does not take place here, how can a species associated with dominance, assertiveness, strength and ego could give in to something as gentle as love? When you say you love a particular girl, do you love her because she's beautiful, or because she stirs up something on your groin, or because she loves you first? Or for some other reasons I might fail to see? For guys in their teenage/ young adult years, what makes you willing to say "I love you" to a girl when you are still unsure of your own future? Do you say so because your peers challenged you to go and confess to her? Some sort of game among your guy friends, to see who can tackle the most number of girls? To avoid yourself from being left out because everybody has a girlfriend or two already?

To girls my age who are 'in love': was it really love? How can you be so sure? It could be merely loneliness, or jealousy. You may simply want someone to understand your thoughts and your emotions, or someone to be your conversation partner, perhaps. For all I know, you don't need a boyfriend in your life for that. Most of the time, XY Homo sapiens are terrible when it comes to understanding girls and stuffs. I effin know very well, I could relate to girls my age when it comes to this. Being girls, there would be moments when we simply feel like having someone to 'fill the emptiness in our heart', whatever that means. That's not freaking 'love'. That's something else.

It baffles me how people who are practically teenagers could utter those three sacred words to their 'significant others' so easily. When you say you 'love' someone, it means so much more than sending morning messages, going out for dates, having romantic conversations on MSN/Skype, exchanging gifts every once in a while, stuffs young couples always do. Loving someone means you would sacrifice yourself for that someone, even when you have to die in the process. How could you possibly do that to a person who's practically a stranger in your life? A person whom you have just known for several weeks/months/years? I won't do that, personally. That would be too bizarre.

One more thing. If mutual feelings are required in a relationship, how can two persons possibly fall in love with each other at the same time? I mean, how can A fall in love with B at exactly the same time when B falls in love with A? Wouldn't the probability be so small? From what I've been observing, a romantic relationship usually starts with someone 'falling helplessly in love' with a person, who later agrees to be his/her lover. If that's the case, don't you think it will practically be a one-sided love? When you say yes to a guy's proposal to make you his girlfriend, were you in love with him at the first place, or do you simply say yes because you don't want to break his heart? Because you were thrilled to finally have someone confessing his love to you (as in my case)? Because you were lonely and want to have someone to 'fill that emptiness in your heart'?

I have never been in love, so I may not be the right person to write something like this. No, having a crush on someone is not freakin love. That's infatuation, and infatuation won't last long. I haven't been to the point where I could sacrifice myself for a freakin XY Homo sapiens. But I'm curious, you know, to hear something from people who claim to be in love/have been in love. So please, answer me. I need to know.

Don't you effin misconstrue me or anything. I am not desperate/being extra androphobic/have given up hope on love. I just want to know.

Alice

entry tipikal seorang perempuan

I'm at the verge of breaking my New Year Resolution #15.

Good news is, that guy (I didn't know his name, but let's just call him Adrien) fits my description of Raphael perfectly. Long brown hair - check. Gorgeous and hypnotizing eyes - check. Awesome sense of fashion - check. Quirky attitude - check. Music junkie - check. Mesmerizing voice - check. It's like I have found my dearest Raphael - this time, it's not merely a dream. I couldn't help but to fall in love. Haish.

Bad news is, I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! I'm a socially awkward person, see, and there's no way I'm going to start a conversation with random people, let alone with a guy I fancy. I almost got an opportunity to talk to him and even sit beside him today during HUBS, but I didn't have the audacity to do so. No, there's no way I'm going to make the first move - look what happened back in my school days.

I would love to be his friend. He seems to be interested in quirky stuffs, and he's rather eccentric as well. I love eccentric guys like that (think Simon Posford). I could already imagine how awesome it would be if I were to be his friend. "You're into lucid dreaming as well? Dude, that's awesome! We could, like, have a shared lucid dream or something. No really, it's not merely Inception material, you really can do that in real life. Let's try it tonight!" Feel free to change 'lucid dreaming' to 'Shpongle' or 'Infected Mushroom' or 'dimethyltryptamine'.

Next time I will find out his real name. If it's Raphael, I swear I'm going to make the first move. And tell him I'm in love with him.

Wish me luck

Alice

lelaki ade yg xgune... ade, not all

Klaha yang suke kucing ialah satu contoh lelaki gentleman yang tidak tergolong dalam golongan tak gune tu

sorang adik form 1 0913 (yg aku xkenal pon) tanye aku "Akak rase umur brape sesuai kapel?"

aku cakap kat die "High school ni xyahla kapel2 dik oi... guys are not serious in their relationship during high school...diorang bese nak main2 jek, or nak merasa, or nak ade 'title', or hormonal drive. "

dan die pun reply, "Ooooo..."

budak2 zaman sekarang. Sekolah rendah pun dah kapel (aku la tuhhh :P)

Dulu aku fikir kapel tu mesti best. Ape yang best aku tak tau. Mebe rase disayangi kot.

Tapi lepas kapel ngan 3 orang losers, I quit.

And I made a conclusion that teenage years are not the time to be in a relationship.

Aku malas nak bitching2 sal my previous bfs, sbab one of them dh kne belasah habis kat dalam blog aku ni (kat sini). But yeah, somehow I always end up with the wrong persons. Yang not straight la, yang overly obsessed la, yang playboy la, yang curik motor la. Desperate la katekan. Guys yang aku suke xpernah la return my love. Aku tunjuk cmane pon still xpaham2. Kadang2 rase diri ni sangatlah gedik n hegeh. Pastu ade yg macam ade tanda2, tp last2 aku yg perasan lebey.

Then we have random male strangers. Orang yang aku tak kenal pon tp suke make my life miserable. Contohnye mamat2 loser yang ntah dari mane tetibe suit2 aku ('suit' itu ialah slang bagi catcall) bile nampak aku jalan sorang2. Or makhluk2 yang bawak lori/bas/kereta/traktor yang tetibe hon cipan punye kuat diikuti dgn the said suit2 mase aku nak lintas jalan. Or setan2 yang cube pecah rumah aku tyme aku darjah 6 sbb nak 'baham' aku tape terpakse berputih mata sbb tyme tu aku xde kat rumah. Dasar __________ btol ah (insert expletives here).

And that actually made me become slightly androphobic. All male strangers are capable of inflicting harm towards me - Subconscious told me that. Sebab tu la kalo aku kuar sorang2 aku memang tak tinggal ah gunting/pisau/jarum/paku/racun/pepper spray kat dalam beg aku. Or make myself look terrifying, like a vampire ke. Pakai sumer hitam. Pakai eyeliner tebal2. Up to the point of wearing black lipstick. And sengaje wat pisau/gunting/etc aku visible. Ape2 saje asalkan I'm not being bothered. Kadang2 that androphobia terbawak2 dlm social life. "Oh, mamat ni saje nak test aku ni gedik/murah/cikaro ke tak. Baik jangan layan." Macam tu lah.

Sometimes I hope I live in an era where guys have immense chivalry/gallantry. Sangat malang la aku sbb dalam abad ke-21 ni, chivalry is dead. Susah nak carik guy yang btol2 gentleman, kalo ade pon gentle man ade la. Nak carik yang aristocrat type macam, er, Klaha-sama (aku dh hilang idea nk bg contoh sape. PEOPLE PLS DUN SUGGEST EDWARD CULLEN!!!) sungguh datukla susah. Kadang2 aku risau cmane nnti bile aku kahwin. Laki aku nanti mcm yg aku nak ke tak. Dapat yang hormat pompuan ke, or yang jenis juara sepak terajang anak bini (flaming over drama malam Ahad hari tu)? Kang tak kahwin kang aku ni.

Sebab tu la kot, for the time being, I'll just stick to my Raphael. Walaupun die mmg xwujud (boleh jdk wujud...aku jek lom jumpe die), at least he's better than many guys out there. Ntahla. Tengoklah nanti yek aku kahwin ngan sape. Tp skarang ni aku memang xde niat nak kapel, sebab buang mase. Buang kredit, buang air mata. I'm not a lovey-dovey type. Selagi ko belum jadik laki aku, ko still stranger dlm idop aku. Xde keje aku nak komited kat ko ke, pujuk2 ko ke, call2 ko slalu ke, tanye ko dh makan ke blom ke <---- sbb tu org takut nk jdk bf aku kot

Wait. Somebody pls tell me nape aku tulis ni at da first place?

blackrose_bahasa jiwa bangsa

Aku suke tol menipu orang. Kali ni aku tipu korang ngan tajuk blog aku.

Sure korang pelik, nape aku tetibe tulis dalam BM ni? (alrighty, bukan Kamus Dewan punye BM, tapi still leh paham kan?) Narnye xde reason pun, saje2 jek. Cam best la pulak ngimol dlm BM SMS ni. Lagipun aku xnak certain people yang hanya leh paham BI tp xleh phm BM bace post yang ni n terase la hape la (xyahla tanye aku sape diorang). Hati orang mesti dijage, tu satu akhlak yang mulia.

Btw ingat x last post aku yang sal eclipse bagai uh? (kalo xingat leh skrol bawah...dipersilakan...) Post yang ni didedikasikan untuk mengexplain (aku suke gune word hybrid camni) part yang last skali uh. Simply put:

Aku dah clash

Bukan niat di hati nak promote kat orang or membukak iklan bagi single guys yang lain mencarik teman idup diorang, tapi aku rase sangat terpanggil untuk mengimol something pasal tuh kat blog aku. After all, blogs are for expressing your thoughts, d-oh.

Problems started mase gerhana matahari bulan 1 aritu (26 Jan, see last post). Malam lepas gerhana tu, aku dapat mesej kat fs dr sorang makhluk Allah dari I**q ni, die kate die sangat tertarik sebab aku ngan die banyak persamaan. Dari mesej kat fs, kitorang progress to YM pulak.

Dipendekkan cerite la kan, pas beberapa minit kitorang chat (aku tak tipu n ni bukan hiperbola macam aku bese buat tu), tetibe die tanye aku soklan cepu emas, iaitu "Do you have a boyfriend?" Aku yang terlalu jujur ni pun jawabla no, walhal tyme tu aku masih digantung tak bertali. Pas lame2 tu, die progress lagi ke next stage (bile orang dah tanye ko ade lover ke tak, mmg nampak sangat la wey yang die ade niat lain uh). Next stage die ialah dengan bertanyekan pada aku "Will u be my girlfriend?"

Hambik ko.

Aku mintak mase 2 hari. Lemme think about that first. Soal ati dan perasaan bukan leh wat main2, or so aku berhujah. Bodo x bodo uh, mintak 'thinking time' 2 ari jek? Gile. Lepas ari tu hari2 kitorang YM. Dalam jangke mase 2 ari tu jugak r die xputus2 tanye aku dah wat decision ke blom. Tengok r, blom ape2 lagi dh tunjuk pushing attitude die uh.

Dan sebab rase rimas kne push constantly, aku jawab yes.

Bodo kan?

Memule memang r excited. Sebab die perkenalkan diri die cam seorang Victorian dark count something tau tak, ngan genteel manners die bla bla. So naturally, I was attracted (baru attracted, huh). Susah nak jumpe guy yang ade characteristics cam Raphael (well not exactly cam Raphael, tp adela sket2. Not in terms of looks, but in personality). Apparently die ni bercita-cita nk jadik animator, sbab die sangat suke games n animations (esp the ones with blood and gore, and fighting stuffs). I said okay, fair enough. I don't judge people based on their interests. Die kate susah nak jumpe girl cam aku yg interested in bende2 yang same cam die (back then la. Aku dah lame x update fs profile aku, so mase die bace sal aku tu die ngah tengok aku pade mase Form 3, n tyme tu aku still lg into KOF la, Street Fighter la, Castlevania la...). Mmg so flattered la bile ade org puji aku ni tu la ni la, kate aku beautiful la (itu sumer hanya tipuan. I'm not beautiful dammit).

Tapi bile lelame, aku rase len macam. Die cam terlalu obsessed kat aku lak. Hari2 soh online, kalo xonline die sms "why don't u online?". Hari2 mintak gambo la, voice recording la, video la. Hape mamat ni, bisik hati kecilku (cheh). Bile dah slalu aku rase rimas la pulak. Bese r aku ni xsuke dipakse/di-push, so bile ade orang push aku sure r aku beng tol x tol x??? Lagi satu aku anti, aku xsuke tol bile mak bapak/siblings taw yg aku ngah bercintan cintun ngan bf aku, but he seemed like wanting to tell da whole world about it. Malu n awkward weyh!

Oh, aku ade mention x yang die nak gile kahwin ngan aku? Kahwin, as in, lafazkan akad nikah, jadik suami aku, rukun nikah, tanggungjawab suami isteri, bla bla...?OMG!@!!%$^%&^*%$#$

Kemuncak segale2nye adalah mase satu malam tu, aku YM ngan die, n tetibe die tanye soklan cepu emas lagi. Since die mati2 ingat aku mmg nak kahwin ngan die (which I'm not tp aku trpakse gak ckp yes sbb nak jage ati die), die expect aku akan bukak segale rahsia aku kat die gaknye. Watafeck??Aku cakap yang aku ni secretive, tp die pakse gak. Die pakse aku open up for him n tell him aku pnye darkest secret (die ckp "i won't push u, but please consider bla bla"). Like hell la wey. Mak bapak aku pn xtaw, nikan nak gtaw this single stranger? Gi mam. Sejak ari tu, aku ngan die dh mule jdk renggang (dh lame dh narnye. Tp aku pendam)

Sampaila eclipse 22 July 2009, a fateful day in our relationship. Aku realize yang selame ni aku hanya berpura-pura. Aku xcinta pn kat die (not anymore at least), but it took me almost 3 to 5 months to realize n to tell da truth. What took me so long?

AKU KESIAN KAT DIE!!!!

I believe that life is like a courtroom. It should be fair all the time. So aku rase xfair la kalo die gegile sayang aku, wat tu wat ni, korban tu korban ni, tp aku wat cm susu dibalas tuba plak. Kalo tuba okey lg, tp besenye as a toxicologist aku curah cyanide jek trus. Oleh hal yang demikian aku pun paksela diri tok bertahan, but later I realized that aku xleh nak selamenye jage ati/ikut kehendak orang. I have a life of my own too. I don't wanna be confined to the tangled strands of fake love. I just wanna be free. And I hate pretending (tp napela aku slalu wat?hmmm).

So aku ngan berat ati (sambil menyalahkan diri sendiri) mintak cerai (remember, aku dh jadik 'bini' die).

Of course la die xnk trime, n salahkan bff aku plak, tp pastu ngan senangnye die ckp bye.

Dammit, why make me feel damned guilty??????????????????

Seriously aku ckp, sampai skarang aku rase guilty n rase it's unfair for him, but what can I do? Xkan aku nak terus menerus seksa hati aku sendiri (seb bek aku xwat self-mutilation taw)? Xkan aku nak berterusan tipu die n tipu diri sendiri? Xkan aku nak jeopardise future aku? Ne taw t aku leh jumpe laki yg wayyyyyy better? Xkan aku kne selamenye jage ati orang len, walhal ati aku sndiri xterjage? Cmane kalo kitorang btol2 kahwin? Sanggup ke aku tinggal ngan lelaki yg aku xcinte forever, n pretend aku sayang die for the rest of my life? Sblm aku cerai lpas dah nikah, bek aku 'cerai' sekarang. Ni for his sake jugak. Makin lame simpan, kalo satu ari t kantoi, makin dahsyat collateral damage die. So bek aku stop skarang.

I'm sorry I have to be that selfish. But I just wanna be free.

So, from the eclipse it started, from the eclipse it also ended.