no drugs, just pure caffeine part 2

Dear vessel,

You seem to start getting back to your old habit - drinking coffee to get high. Drinking an innocent cup of coffee won't usually do much to an average person, but to your pathetic system, it is enough to make you launch into full-blown psychosis. All facts and logics seem distorted, every single thing perceived seems unreal yet scarily vivid. And every single unreal thing seem even more scarily vivid, only worse because it's not even real. Body starts to trigger panic alarms, elevating heartbeat to a whole new level, causing blood pressure to increase quite horrifyingly, even a sphygmomanometer won't be able to take the reading. Bladder starts to take extra OT, kidneys beg for mercy, hoping that the daily assault by antihistamines won't be aggravated by yet another potent drug. Little jackhammers on the head begins to turn into fully-evolved industrial driller. Cold sweat begins to break, anxiety of unknown origins starts to take place, shoving aside the pathetic little portions of tranquility left in the distorted mind of the distorted vessel.

No matter how you try, your eyes won't shut. You need to stop seeing the tormenting images swirling in front of you, but your eyes won't shut. You want to run away from the hysteric voices in your head, but your eyes won't shut. Your eyes feel extra tired, but they won't shut. You are completely paralysed, trapped within the phantasmic wonderland, unable to find your way out. It's the baddest version of a bad trip you could get, without even needing to ingest the tiniest mole of lysergic acid diethylamide.

All because you want to run away from the reality. Because you need to forget the fact that all the problems you are facing comes from your own insensitivity. You know you will return to your manic SI state by doing so, but you just have to do something to run away.

Is it worth it? Do you get to escape the 'pain and sufferings' that you are enduring? Do the troubles miraculously disappear the moment you gulp down the abominable concoction? Do you honestly think it is not a form of self-mutilation? Tell me, how is poisoning yourself not self-mutilating?

Learn to accept the fact. Do not just run away. You are nothing more than a pathetic coward if you do so. Being egoistic won't change anything. A cup of coffee won't change anything. You need to change. It doesn't matter who's wrong or right; if you need to get over it, you have to start it yourself.

And oh, try to optimise your time. 'I don't want to sleep tonight' is bad for your system.

Love,

Your Friendly Subconscious.

p/s: Despite being your 'devilish Subconscious', I am not always bad, you see.

welcome to the wonderful world of hallucinogens

I do not take hallucinogenics in any way, of course. I love my brain cells too much to do that. But as an experienced Goa trancer, I cannot help myself from involving in all things psychedelic. Personally I think hallucinogenics are awesome; they make you feel detached from the real world. I am not trying to advocate the usage of drugs (but as an aspiring pharmacist I would be more than happy to encourage the usage of medicinal drugs among all of you - it's better than taking unregistered traditional medications laced with hydroquinone isn't it?), but I really do think that the spiritual experience of seeing (or hearing) unreal things are exciting. Especially when it comes in Technicolour. With all 16 million colours included.

Frankly, whenever I listen to Goa trance, I could almost feel the synthesis of DMT going on in my head, giving me an unexplainable rush (not as intense as LSD, but still). The deep basslines are intoxicating, the surreal composition of melodic synths are entrancing, the mystical Indian chants are pure bliss. I could relate to those Indian chants by the way, so I bet it's no wonder why I prefer old-skool Goa trance from Destination Goa than the current stuffs people are making out of Fruity Loops. It's a good thing that Goa trance is gaining recognition in Malaysia though, thanks to the awesome people from Epic Tribe. Though I will never be able to attend one of those mystical psy events they organise, it's nice to think that I'm not the only one knowing about Goa trance in this very country, where most teenagers are heavily drugged with sex-laced songs from the likes of Gaga, Ke$ha, or any one of those pimptastic hip-hop artistes singing about taking off knickers, wanting to 'do it again and again', getting laid and...well, it's basically about getting laid.

I realised I have no topic sentence and proper flow of ideas. Haha. If you have to ask, I am in no mood whatsoever to complete my vital essays, hence this fcking nonsense I'm writing. I am also WUI; writing under influence. It's my personal psychedelic drug, the good ol' caffeine. Current pulse rate is 120 at rest, and could escalate higher. I admire people who could write things that I could never understand, with high English and whatnots, whereas I'm stuck with my colloquial mangled English here, all the while knowing the fact that I could not afford to have this style of writing. See how much I am detached from the real world by taking caffeine? Yeah, I drank half a glass of Ipoh White Coffee earlier today; it's this adverse effect I got after my caffeine OD 4 years ago, causing me to be extra agitated after consuming even the teeniest amount of that dreaded chemical. If you must get attention by self-harming, do anything but poison yourself. Scars can heal, but the effects of chemicals can linger for a very long time. I just have to say this. People don't tell about their imbecile experiences doing SI online without being anonymous, but I'm doing this for the sake of preventing more people from doing so. Being sober makes you feel important. Hoyeah.

Way to go Otago. Way to go pharmacy. Oh, give me some litmus paper already. I can't sleep.

inferiority

seven over twenty.

apparently that's my current level. I am that bad in organisation.

and apparently, not knowing how to avoid yourself from exceeding the word limit is detrimental to any assignments.

I'm posting for the sake of updating

It's lame, I know. But somehow I can't find any willpower to write anything here. Of course, there are loads of things to write, like how I purchased my dearest Baby the Stars Shine Bright shirring JSK (will write about it. It's in the draft list.), or how I spent my whole 1 month of holiday doing nothing but making and selling kuih so that I am able to buy the aforementioned Baby, or how I was slightly disappointed with my Sem 2 results, or how I was devastated upon hearing the news that this year's admission to University of Otago's Health Science First Year foundation will be much tougher than before, or how I felt about the current rage over Muslim lolitas. Yes, there are lots of things to write. There are also lots of other more important things to write, i.e. my Biology Human Awareness Essay, ESLS Investigative Studies final draft, Malay In-Depth Studies essay, 3 essays for Otago admission...the list goes on. That's why I don't write much these days. Essays and reports and whatnots engulfed me. Can't run away, uh.

(Before you start, please don't compare me to other fellow AUSMAT bloggers. Humans have different capabilities, and even in the blogosphere, this has no exception.)

Anywho, I am still going to update my blog from time to time. Time to time may range from days to weeks to even years. I have lots of things to write, but let me find my time first. Maybe I should cut my time lurking on egl/egl-related communities. Before I get obsessed with egl, I always find some time to update my blog. Ha.

By the way, I'm going to have my Otago interview at the end of this month. Hope I'll pass it, else I'll be doomed. Doomed as in not able to further my studies overseas. That's a catastrophe, considering that almost everybody in my neighbourhood knew that "anak Rosidah nak pergi New Zealand tahun depan weh!". Gah seram.

Haha. See you later. And welcome, dear new followers. :D

procrastination is the thief of time...

...unfortunately, me owns the greatest thief of time ever.

wat.

i'm going to postpone my birthday entry until God knows when. till then, this.

"When you dream, there are no rules. People can fly, anything can happen"

Astral Projection in People Can Fly

On Sunday, I dreamt of getting all lovey-dovey with a guy friend.

The next night, Gambit Saifullah was my cousin.

Then, I found myself getting ready for Otago interview.

Yesterday, a visit to yet another wonderland.

This afternoon, almost bought Angelic Pretty.

I bet tonight, I'll have Raphael in my arms. Or maybe even Faizal Tahir. I had him twice before, so it's not impossible :D

Dear God, please let this holiday be everlasting. My 19-year-old body is too tired for AUSMAT (hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!).

For the record, I slept for 12 hours straight on Sunday. Talk about qada' tidur.

bibliophile me?

Okay, I admit. My love towards classic literature is a newfound love - started almost immediately after I discovered lifestyle lolita (like, reading Bram Stoker is sooo Elegant Gothic Aristocrat, and reading Jane Austen is sooo Classic Lolita). But I always love books, really, even though I started with cheesy Disney Princesses back when I was four. I always think that reading Michael Crichton during a boring Monday assembly will make you appear way cooler than your peers with their Alaf 21 romantic novels (pardon me, I have to mention XD).

But of course, I don't read books for the sake of being a lifestyle lolita, or for its 'cool factor', or even to 'improve my vocabulary and my sentence structure' or any other nerdy reasons you may fancy. I just love reading. It's the best thing since Dance Dance Paradise (mwahahahaha).

And for that, I need more books. Mine is a pathetic collection (pathetic in terms of quantity, not quality). I even have fricken Twilight Saga in my collection - all four of them (I felt grateful to fall out of love with Twilight before I manage to buy the Official and Unofficial Guide, Twilight Men/Women, Robert Pattinson biographies, those Twilight Saga Diaries in a Tin, Team Edward/Team Jacob T-shirts/mugs/bedsheets, Midnight Sun, Senjakala, Cinta Baru, etc.). Most of my books fall under the vampire romance category - and by 'vampire romance' I mean Christine Feehan-type vampire romance, not those teenage vampire flicks like Vampire Kisses or whatever.

And, ehehe, since I'm so fond of wishlists, I present you:

Alice's Ultimate Bibliophile Wishlist

1. Through The Looking Glass (hardcover) by Lewis Carroll. Of course I have read this, but I need the hardcover version to express my undying love to Lewis Carroll :x
2. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett. Because tales of little girls from the Edwardian period are so lolita :D
3. A Little Princess (hardcover) by Frances Hodgson Burnett. It reduced me to tears, so I NEED IT. NAO. MY BIRTHDAY.
4. Emma by Jane Austen. Collector's item.
5. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. Again, collector's item.
6. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Uh. :D
7. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. Preferably that one with the freaky cover design I saw at Borders some time ago :D
8. Anything from Edgar Allan Poe. However, if you give me The Black Cat, I swear I'll tear you apart (me is an animal lover. The Black Cat itu melampau. Kesian kucing tu.)
9. Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales. Because I can.
10. The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. I think it's interesting :D
11. Frankenstein (hardcover) by Mary Shelley. As an aspiring Elegant Gothic Lolita/Aristocrat, I am a big fan of Gothic literature.
12. The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux. Oh the Gothic romance... oh my lovely Erik...nuff said.
13. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. Yes, I have a copy, but not the one with Ben Barnes on the cover XD
14. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. I love the Bronte sisters~
15. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. While it may not be my kind of lolita, I think Nabokov's style is exquisite, and therefore deserves to be in my collection :D
16. The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton. You see, I live in the Victorian era.
17. Pirate Latitude by Michael Crichton. Hahaha, not classic literature, but I adore the late Michael Crichton. I have The Andromeda Strain, Prey, State of Fear and Next, but not this. And the fact that its manuscript was found after Crichton's death makes it extremely valuable XD
18. Nightlight by the Harvard Lampoon. Aku suka gelakkan Twilight. The Harvard Lampoon makes the best parodies ever (read Bored of the Rings!). Belle Goose and Edwart Mullen FTW
19. The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. Love the book, love Dumas, love the anime, love guys with the title Count (as in Count Raphael Edward Adams tee-hee XD)
20. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Really, I've read the manga version, and I was hooked since then.
21. Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I need to own it. Reading the borrowed copy from the library is not enough.
22. Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice. Borrowing from Leana doesn't count XD
23. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. IDK, somehow this whole Illuminati thingie sparked my interest.

of course there will be more, and of course I'll update later, but for the time being, these are my wishlist for my birthday (ni wishlist buku jek, wishlist penuh kat sini)

Happy Shopping! XD

Alice