why do people fall in love

I've been wanting to ask this question for a very very long time, but I just didn't know to whom should I ask. Definitely not my mom, coz I don't share lovey dovey stuffs like this with my family members. Why do people fall in love? How can people love each other? What makes a person willing to devote their everything for a particular person? (Note: for convenience purposes, 'love' in this entry refers to romantic love, that feeling towards a person you barely know for how many years or even less than that, not maternal love whatsoever)

I always thought that guys don't have the emotional capability to love another person. After romantically involved with several guys throughout my life, I came to the conclusion that among these XY chromosome possessors, love simply exists in the form of lust. What other explanation do I have, after knowing several guys who demanded sex from me, and harassed by several others? Although I realize that my statement here is severely biased, I still can't see how that very idea of love can be applied to a guy. Even if lust does not take place here, how can a species associated with dominance, assertiveness, strength and ego could give in to something as gentle as love? When you say you love a particular girl, do you love her because she's beautiful, or because she stirs up something on your groin, or because she loves you first? Or for some other reasons I might fail to see? For guys in their teenage/ young adult years, what makes you willing to say "I love you" to a girl when you are still unsure of your own future? Do you say so because your peers challenged you to go and confess to her? Some sort of game among your guy friends, to see who can tackle the most number of girls? To avoid yourself from being left out because everybody has a girlfriend or two already?

To girls my age who are 'in love': was it really love? How can you be so sure? It could be merely loneliness, or jealousy. You may simply want someone to understand your thoughts and your emotions, or someone to be your conversation partner, perhaps. For all I know, you don't need a boyfriend in your life for that. Most of the time, XY Homo sapiens are terrible when it comes to understanding girls and stuffs. I effin know very well, I could relate to girls my age when it comes to this. Being girls, there would be moments when we simply feel like having someone to 'fill the emptiness in our heart', whatever that means. That's not freaking 'love'. That's something else.

It baffles me how people who are practically teenagers could utter those three sacred words to their 'significant others' so easily. When you say you 'love' someone, it means so much more than sending morning messages, going out for dates, having romantic conversations on MSN/Skype, exchanging gifts every once in a while, stuffs young couples always do. Loving someone means you would sacrifice yourself for that someone, even when you have to die in the process. How could you possibly do that to a person who's practically a stranger in your life? A person whom you have just known for several weeks/months/years? I won't do that, personally. That would be too bizarre.

One more thing. If mutual feelings are required in a relationship, how can two persons possibly fall in love with each other at the same time? I mean, how can A fall in love with B at exactly the same time when B falls in love with A? Wouldn't the probability be so small? From what I've been observing, a romantic relationship usually starts with someone 'falling helplessly in love' with a person, who later agrees to be his/her lover. If that's the case, don't you think it will practically be a one-sided love? When you say yes to a guy's proposal to make you his girlfriend, were you in love with him at the first place, or do you simply say yes because you don't want to break his heart? Because you were thrilled to finally have someone confessing his love to you (as in my case)? Because you were lonely and want to have someone to 'fill that emptiness in your heart'?

I have never been in love, so I may not be the right person to write something like this. No, having a crush on someone is not freakin love. That's infatuation, and infatuation won't last long. I haven't been to the point where I could sacrifice myself for a freakin XY Homo sapiens. But I'm curious, you know, to hear something from people who claim to be in love/have been in love. So please, answer me. I need to know.

Don't you effin misconstrue me or anything. I am not desperate/being extra androphobic/have given up hope on love. I just want to know.

Alice

it's holiday, holiday, gotta get down on holiday!

TIME TO UNLEASH REBECCA!

too bad the video was removed, though.

I have 3 weeks of holiday. I swear I won't do anything academic during my holiday (besides my usual lucid dreaming/psychoactive drugs researches maybe). In the meantime, I have another list. I love making lists, it makes me feel more organised. #yeahright

Alice's List of Things to Do During a 3-Week Long Holiday (in no particular order)

1. Sew one two freakin lolita dresses!!! Buy sewing stuffs, Google up tutorials, draft patterns. Sew a petticoat.
2. Learn at least 10 new poi tricks from this guy by the end of the holiday. Buy/make one proper sock poi. (you wanna buy this for my un-birthday? It's a bargain!)
3. Get back into lucid dreaming. Haven't got one for 2 weeks already, and I can't even blame pseudoephedrine this time. Also, resume writing in dream journal. Poor guy got abandoned for almost 2 weeks, too bad.
4. Spend all day in secondhand bookstores. Scribes is a warm and cozy place to be at this winter.
5. Start writing The Maya Dream (my writing project, ideas courtesy of Leana. Planning to write a dream journal-like novella).
6. Finish up abandoned artwork and start on new ones.
   it's psylocybe as in PSYlocybe. :P
   
   
7. Trip to Cadbury World. A must!
8. Trip to the beach, perhaps. Tunnel Beach maybe.
9. Trip to Oamaru. I don't wanna spend the whole holiday stuck in Dunedin.
10. Finish up reading The Psychedelic Experience, Art of Dreaming (and other Castaneda books I abandoned), DMT: The Spirit Molecule (still hasn't arrived).
11. Watch movies and TV series. Medical Investigations is awesome.
12. Lolita photoshoot at the Botanic Gardens. :D
13. Shopping spree! Savemart shopping spree!
14. Bake something. Or, try new recipes. What? I do love cooking! More so when it comes to cooking stuffs I love to eat, like weird Indian curries and French stuffs. Potato gratin sounds simple; maybe I'll start with that.
15. Make a new song. I accidentally got a new song while frying my hash brown last night, but I didn't record it so I've lost it already. Grrr.
16. Post Leana's On The Road. Heeeeeee sorry for the delay XP

Let's just hope I won't end up abandoning this list and spend the whole 3 weeks glued to the computer, scrolling through Memebase instead.

Alice

feeling a bit nostalgic...

...I decided to compile a list of songs which can make me feel nostalgic. I'm freaky like that, hahaha!

Taste Experience - Summersault: Reminds me of the time when me and my youngest bro could still get along and do things without feeling awkward. I taught him to play the song on my keyboard so that we could play duet.

Funny - Sing A Song (All Night Long): Despite the sheer ridiculousness of this song, I really love this! This is one of my first favourite dance music song. Back when I was 8 or 9, this song was played everywhere, especially at dollar stores (they tend to play lots of crappy Ah Beng nu-italo disco stuffs like that). I remember getting all excited when I heard this song played in a pirated CD shop, and proceeded to ask the salesgirl the title of the song. Of course she didn't know it lol. 11 years later, I rediscovered this song from Ishkur's Guide to Electronic Music. Took me 11 freaking years to search for a ridiculously addictive nu-Italo disco track!

Astral Projection - Mahadeva: My very first Goa trance exposure. Found this on Astral Projection's official website in 2003. Before the advent of Celcom Broadband and affordable mp3 players, I had fun blasting this song on my neighbourhood cyber cafe's faulty speakers, much to the dismay of rempit guys sitting beside me.

Push - Strange World: This was on my first ever dance music cassette, bought in 2002 from my kampung's pasar malam (of course it's pirated, duh). Cassettes are effin annoying - this is my favourite song from the compilation, but replaying it was a pain in the ass (mechanical forward/rewind and stuff, have to be very precise kalau tak nanti terlajak). Thank God for mp3s!

Ian van Dahl - Castles in the Sky: Discovered this from The Official UK Top 40. They used to have this on hitz.fm every Saturday, and I would spend my Saturday evening glued to the radio, religiously jotting down every single dance music songs appearing on the chart (songs from the likes of Flip N Fill, N-Trance, Kelly Llorenna, Scooter, occasional Prodigy). This song reminds me of the times when I had to stay at dad's mother's house, zaman-zaman merempat dulu. Still a cool song though.

4 Strings - Take Me Away: Back then when I had to stay at my maternal grandmother's house, I worked as waitress at grandma's food stall in Gunung Ledang. Johor FM was the official radio station at the food stall, playing the latest Malay hits and lengthy news segments. Odd enough, in between songs and DJs babbling about random stuffs, they played an instrumental version of this song.

Daft Punk - One More Time: I think this came out when I was 9 or 10, no? I was particularly excited about it receiving airplay on commercial radio stations like hitz.fm (it was even on their daily chart! How cool is that?) Back then I was obsessed with songs with vocodered vox, so naturally Daft Punk became my instant obsession.

Cosmos - Take Me With You: From good ol' Essential Selection circa 2001, used to be on Red FM every Friday at 10 pm. Again, kept me glued to the radio until midnight. Friday night was my dance music marathon night, with Wicked playing house and trance from 8 pm, followed by Essential Selection at 10. Those were the times when my only source of dance music was from commercial radio stations, and good thing Red FM had a dedicated dance music segment every weeknights.

Holden & Thompson - Nothing: When I was in Form 1, I was too noob to go back to JB from my school at Kuala Pilah on my own, so dad had to fetch me. He would take a bus to Seremban, and then I would follow him back home by bus. Basically the monthly cost of me going back home would be doubled, because he had to accompany me on my journey. I don't know how I could do that to my dad (hey, I was not the one asking for it). Anyhoo, one unfortunate evening (the day before Raya holiday), dad came and fetch me as usual, but by the time we reached Seremban, there were no tickets left to Johor Bahru. Not even a single ticket, bas tambahan pun takde. No choice left, we had to take a taxi, which costed around RM200 to JB. Thank God there was one unfortunate uncle who also had to go back to JB by taxi, so dad only had to pay RM130 (was still very expensive though). I felt like crying once we're in the taxi, and that's when this song came up on the radio. I still remember every single thing happening on that day every time I play this song. *cries*

Terry Bones vs Fred Baker - Return to Innocence: Form 1. It's either the bus, or dad fetching me all the way from JB by motorcycle. Yep, I'm not bluffing, I used to have several 300km+ journey from Kuala Pilah to JB, and back to Kuala Pilah again by motorcycle when it was time to go back. Come rain or shine, dad would spend a total of 24 hours to and fro Kuala Pilah on the road (6 hours from JB to KP, 6 hours with me from KP to JB, they cycle is repeated again when it's time to return to school). It must be very tiring for him. I'm such a terrible daughter. Anyhoo, the song. I used to listen to this song on one of those journeys, courtesy of Wicked. It was barely audible though, masked by the sounds of motorcycle engine and wind blowing past us.

Brother Brown - Under the Water and Chungking - Making Music: By the time I was in Form 2, I can finally go back home by bus on my own. My journey usually took 6 hours, and by the time I reach JB, it was already 9 pm. I spent the last hour of my journey listening to Wicked, and songs like these usually came up at the beginning of the show. Best part of the journey.

Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful: What? Of course I do listen to stuffs other than dance music! Again, discovered this song from The Official UK Top 40, one rainy Saturday night, in my late grandpa's van while on my way back from shopping at Tangkak. This is a very strange and beautiful song indeed, but it has now became my official stalking song. Most people I like are strange anyway, so yeah. Hahahaha.

Adele - Hometown Glory: I forgot when exactly did I first listen to this song, but this song is nostalgic for a reason. It's the song me and Leana performed on INTEC's Got Talent (we didn't even get to the final stage, though). So basically, this song reminds me of her. Aw, rindu lah.

I think that's all for now. I have lots of other nostalgic songs to be included, but meh. Exam, exam. In the meantime, what's your list of nostalgic songs?

Off to study Chem

Alice

best thing about living in NZ...

... I get to buy books I never thought I could buy! Hahaha!

Found this while browsing through Marbecks, a secluded CD store-cums-bookshop in Wall Street. They also had lots of obscure classics, and popular classics with gorgeous covers (note to Leana: I found 3 different versions of On The Road, and they're all awesome like heck).

I'm also waiting for my DMT: The Spirit Molecule to arrive in the mail, bought it off Whitcoulls. Next on my wishlist would be LSD My Problem Child and PiHKAL, found them at great prices on Mindfuel, but I'll probably need to wait until I get my next allowance to buy them. Um, maaaaaybe I'll buy me My Problem Child next month if I do well in my exams, it's only $30 anyway, with free shipping and all.

I really love bookstores here. You could buy books online with no additional shipping costs, you can get all sorts of obscure titles (do you honestly think I would find DMT: The Spirit Molecule at Malaysia? Last time I check I couldn't even find anything about lucid dreaming, let alone hallucinogens), the prices are great provided you don't convert the currency, and you could automatically get a 10% discount by being a student, without needing to apply for membership cards and renew them every year. Even if you want to apply for membership cards, it's absolutely free! And oh, if $20 per book is still too expensive for you, you could always buy them at secondhand bookstores at half the original price or lower. Gila awesome.

I guess this has got to do with the reading culture here. We don't have that strong of a culture in Malaysia; people prefer to read about the latest political sex scandal or stories about 'who gets raped by who' taken from Harian Metro instead of reading something worthwhile. You could hardly find people reading in public places or while waiting for something. I used to carry a book with me and read them while manning Mom's kuih stall, and oftentimes I found myself being the subject of teasing by rempit types who passed by, saying things like "hai kak, rajinnya, jual kuih pun sempat belajar" (I was reading Crichton's Sphere. I didn't know that could be considered as 'belajar'. Oh well, those bits about Drake equation maybe). Anyhoo, putting that aside, I would like to get myself a nice bookshelf and fill them with the books I bought/will buy while I'm studying here. Macam J dalam novel Empangan. There's an epic book sale coming up this September in Dunedin, where you could buy secondhand books at prices as low as $1. I can't wait.

That reminds me. I should totally update my bibliophile wishlist.

Alice

well, one can always try

Aku masuk pertandingan lagu puisi. How freaky is that?? I mean, okay I can always compose the songs via FL and stuffs, I have a reservoir of melodies on my head anyway, tapi nak tulis lirik dalam bentuk puisi? Dalam bahasa Melayu?? Like heck! Aku kalau bab bunga-bunga ni lemah sikit actually. Aku pun tak tau kenapa aku boleh ambil keputusan separa suicide dengan menerima tawaran Zariq untuk masuk benda lagu puisi bagai tu. Tangguh punya tangguh, sampai ke sudah aku tak siap lagi apa-apa.

Sampaila semalam. Dalam keadaan separa sedar lepas bangun dari tidur (hypnagogia maybe), aku tiba-tiba dapat ilham dalam bentuk random sets of words. So petang tu aku cuba tulis satu-satu, susun elok-elok. Cubaan pertama gila babas punya clichéd, ala-ala sajak aku tulis zaman Form 3 dulu ('jalan penuh duka, raungan kedengaran di mana-mana', stuffs like that). Tak tau la kalau ini pun boleh kira clichéd jugak, but oh well. Dah tak sempat, pertandingan tu Sabtu ni.

Seka Air Matamu

oleh Vryzzer

Sunyi

Walau bibir menguntum senyum tapi di jiwa tiada apa

Sunyi

Satu-satu menjadi debu, yang tinggal hanya rongga

Walau kau kata sinar itu ada, mengapa aku tak upaya

Hanya kelam yang aku rasa

Ini luahan si gadis sunti

Yang hatinya luluh dilanyak realiti

Katanya manusia itu hanya topengan

Mulia luaran disebalik kebinatangan

Rakus politikus menghenyak segala cita-cita

Cita untuk melihat hapusnya duka

Cita untuk mengecap indahnya cinta

Manusia itu apa?

Yang menoda tanah pusaka bangsa

Katanya tak apa, ini hak kita

Yang pengecut menikus tanpa bicara

Katanya tak apa, ini hal mereka

Biarkan sahaja, biarkan sahaja!

Manusia itu apa?

Yang obsesi merajai diri

Kata mereka, aku punya suka

Yang berkuasa mereka buta

Kata mereka, aku upaya

Biarkan sahaja, biarkan sahaja!

Lalu gadis sunti itu diam di situ

Bergenang matanya memandang sepi

Kukatakan padanya, seka air matamu

Kerna yakinlah, janji Tuhan itu pasti

If you're wondering, tema lagu puisi ini ialah kemanusiaan yang hilang. Ada la sikit2 pasal Palestin kot. Huaaaaaaaaaa maluuuuuu

Nanti lagu full aku upload kat Soundcloud.

Alice

could you define the word paranoiac

I used to think Younger Brother was not as awesome as Simon's other projects, probably because they don't really make Shpongle-tinged psychedelic ambient (unlike Celtic Cross, Purple Om, Mystery of the Yeti and Dub Trees). Younger Brother features sounds that you wouldn't expect coming from the great Simon Posford himself. I mean, Simon is synonymous with psychedelic ambient and Goa trance, he wouldn't possibly produce stuffs that sound like a marriage between Pink Floyd and Coldplay innit? The "un-psybientness" is especially prominent in their latest album Vaccine, where you could actually get Ru singing like he's freaking Chris Martin. But after exploring their tracks pre-Vaccine, I actually found them highly interesting. After all, the whole Pink Floyd-ness vibe is not that bad, I like Pink Floyd. And by making something outside the usual Goa-psy spectrum, more people are aware of the existence of the musical genius that is Simon Posford. Let's just hope he won't end up being the psybient version of Infected Mushroom - too much mainstream exposure can be bad for the imagination (what the hell do they have in mind - a 3 1/2 minute-long psy track???).

'All I Want' is my current favourite YB track, because it's rather psychedelic and has that distinctive Simon + Benji vibe presented in a refreshing way. And Loituma samples - who would've thought of putting that? I also love the vocal samples in the beginning of the track - weird accent, weirdly beautiful. Paranoiac critical method. Awesome.

Talk about paranoiac, 'Adrien having a girlfriend already' is another one of my paranoid assumption. But still, there are possibilities. I didn't know why I was so upset about it - I realized he's too far-fetched for me. Maybe this whole incident reminds me of the things that happened during my school days. I did not feel disappointed, I feel humiliated. This is exactly the reason why I don't want to make the first move (and by first move, I didn't mean flirting whatsoever. I was just sending an innocent message saying hello for God's sake!). When I eventually did, bad things happened. Like that one time when I tried to befriend Ezra, my schoolmate. And shit like these actually decreased my self-esteem further. I mean, am I that repulsive or what? Too eccentric weird? Too ugly? I know this sounded like me circa 2006 (or like any random 15-year-old girls with raging hormones. I should feel ashamed because I'm an effin adult now, I'm 20), but hell.

Anyhoo, to make myself feel better, I made a list on why I deserve someone better than Adrien. Among other things, I included 'fckin womaniser', 'drinks alcohol', 'not a fellow dreamer', 'not a spitting image of Raphael because Raphael is WAY better than that' and 'doesn't even know freakin Shpongle!!! Are you fckin kidding me!!! And he calls himself alty!!!' in my list. Now that really made me feel better!

On the bright side, looks like my New Year Resolution #15 will stay intact, thank God for that. I don't think I will ever have the desire to, um, look for potential campus crushes or anything after this. As the Malay saying goes, I don't want banana to fruit two times (pisang berbuah dua kali HAHAHAHAHAHA!!). 'Sides, going to class for the sake of eyeing your crush sangat menyimpang okeh. Belajar tak ikhlas.

Excuse me while I go and find Raph in my dreams.

Alice

NRT

I watched this ad for the first time on TV3 around 2 years ago. And every time I watch it, I couldn't help but to think of my dad. Now that I'm away from home, watching this ad once again made me cry. I love my dad so much (even though I never show it, we're one weird family), I couldn't bear the thoughts of losing him to diseases related to his habit. My whole life was spent living away from him (he worked at Singapore when I was 11, and I went to boarding school when I was 13), and I pray to God to give him good health so that I could spend more time with him. I saw what happened to my cousin's father (also a hardcore smoker) and it breaks my heart every time I think of it. I don't want dad to end up like that

Guess I should really introduce nicotine replacement therapy to him. Better late than never